A clingy ex...

[Koharuchan]

Okay. I've posted before about my mom loving my ex and wanting me back with him. Now my ex is starting some things up.

I was home a few days ago, sleeping. My ex called, and mom woke me up to talk to him. It irritated me because I was exhausted and when my friends call she never wakes me up, only when he calls. Anyway...

I talked to him for a while. He's still my friend, he's currently living on base going to military college on the other side of the country. He calls a couple times a week. He really is a close friend and I enjoy talking to him, but lately he's been a little flirtatious. He knows I have a boyfriend, he knows I love my boyfriend very much, and he knows I have no feelings left for him. He only started this after I started dating my boyfriend. He flirts with me, and when I tell him to stop he says he's just joking. Last time we talked he kept calling me by the pet name he gave me when we were dating, and I told him not to. He didn't understand why he wasn't allowed to call me that anymore.

I explained to him that I care about him and I love talking to him and I do miss him, but the flirting, even in joking, makes me uncomfortable. But the thing is I know he's not joking, because this only started after I told him about my boyfriend. It was starting to irritate me, and I talked to my boyfriend about it. I told him not to worry and I would handle it. He wasn't mad, but he found my ex's behavior a little childish.

My ex and I have been broken up for over 2 years. He's my friend, and I don't want him to screw that up by being childish and flirty. At one point he actually made me a little mad, because he suddenly started saying I should be careful and not enter a sexual relationship for a while. We weren't even talking about that, it just came from nowhere. I told him my boyfriend and I would decide that, not him. I don't want to fight with him, and I don't like him flirting with me. My boyfriend, thankfully, is very understanding. He's not mad at all and is letting me handle this because it is a personal matter. He said he would talk to him only if I wanted him to, but he would let me handle it and wouldn't try to interfere.

How do I get it through his head that I don't like the flirting and make him stop? He keeps saying he's joking and I need a sense of humor. I'm more uncomfortable than mad, really. I feel bad talking to him because he flirts, and that makes me feel a little guilty in a way. I just want him to stop before this goes any further and turns into a big argument.

[Chris.]

I would lay down the law here - "listen, if you don't stop the flirting (joking or not) then I'm not going to talk to you - It makes me feel very uncomfortable - so stop". If you say that he may think you are serious and he may actually stop. But if he doesn't that you really come down to two choices - dealing with the flirting, or not talking to him. I know both are very hard but there comes a point where enough is enough and you have to do what you have to do. Even if its for a temporary few weeks of not talking to him - he will get the point.



Best wishes,
Chris

[Aletheia*]

You've tried telling him nicely that his continuous flirting makes you uncomfortable, yet he continues to do it anyway. It sounds like an ultimatum needs to be placed. Either he quits acting this way towards you to respect not only you but your relationship as well, or the friendship needs a break for a while. It sounds like he's jealous of your current relationship, and may even still have feelings for you. But, since you've dated in the past, your feelings should come before his, and it doesn't seem like he understands this concept.

[Koharuchan]

What makes the whole thing even more stressful is mom's continuous pushing to start dating him again along with his flirting. My stress level just keeps going up and it's hard to deal with.

[Aletheia*]

I don't remember reading any of your posts about your mom pushing you to date your ex, so I'm sorry that I have to ask this question Do you have any idea why your mom is pushing you to date your ex, or why it's so important to her?

[Koharuchan]

I'm not sure. I dated him for nearly 2 years, and she liked him a lot. I told her he didn't treat me right, but she doesn't believe that. It upsets me because I have an amazing boyfriend who treats me like a princess and who I love to death, and she barely speaks to him. She hardly even looks at him. She's always pressuring me to go to my ex, saying I won't last with my boyfriend. She won't keep her nose out of my relationship. It's very upsetting.

[Chris.]

I think you need to tell your mom that its your decision and that you are happy with where you are. Maybe throw a question at her like: Would you rather me be with ____ (the ex) and make you happy or would you rather me be with ____ (current bf) and let me be happy? My happiness means more than yours - and I'm happy where I am - and I love _____ to death. Your mom must have a hard time understand that you are happy where you are - and the only thing I can say is talk to her one more time and if she doesn't stop the pressuring than I don't think she will ever understand how you feel - thus ignoring her (on relationship advice or who to date) would be a good idea.