Single...

[TheBabyEater]

Last night I ended up finally breaking it off with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. He's the only guy I've loved, and I feel like he's the only guy I ever will love. He is my life.. He's saved it countless times, both from mental issues and physical ones. But I was far too attached, and still am. I don't know if I can go on without him.. But I know that I need to.

Why did I break it off? Well, I could handle the cheating. I'd almost gotten over the talking to his exfiance for 5 hours straight just recently. And I'd come to accept that if I do something stupid, there's a good chance he'll hurt me. I came to accept all that. Hope that the cheating was over, remember not to screw up, and know that one day he won't think about his exfiance, and maybe I'd be his new one. But last night... He tried to blame all our relationship problems on my insecurities. I'll admit I'm pretty insecure, perhaps far too much. But I always comforted myself by telling myself that they would get better when I was regularly on my meds, when he stopped hurting me, and when he could finally apologize for things like cheating and talking to his ex. But last night.. I just got so mad when he tried to blame all our problems on me being insecure, when to me, the majority of my insecurities lately have come from his mistakes.

I don't know. I gave him my life. I chose my college over getting to live near him. I gave up so many things for him, because I love him. And I don't know if I can do this, as much as I know I should. I feel myself slipping away as it is, ready to break down at any given moment.

[Elizabeth]

Hey there,
I can't really say I know how you feel, but I'm in a relationship right now for almost three years so I understand the connection and how your lives mold together and now part of it might be missing. I'm not really sure of your past, but if he was cheating, I would have major issues with trust, I think any girl would. For him to blame that on you is very unfair. I mean, if he never cheated in the first place, there wouldn't be these issues.
I think that maybe you should take some time to love yourself right now. Do something you enjoy just for you. Let yourself cry. I don't know if you have ever self harm at all ( I only mention it because you said mental health), but sometimes I find it helpful to remove shaving razors from my tub and then take a nice long hot bath and just let myself cry it out there. There isn't much you can hurt yourself with (after the removal of razors) and you can cry underwater and just let yourself feel things.
I don't know how I can be of any comfort to you, but if you want someone to talk to, you can always PM me. I hope you make the best decisions for YOU.

[Aletheia*]

As someone whose been in a relationship for nearly 3 years myself, I also understand the connection and how your lives seem to come together as one. However, though I don't know how you feel, you should never have to settle for what he's done to you in the past. Cheating on you and learning to live with it? Not okay. There is no excuse for cheating. None at all. I mean, talking to his ex doesn't seem like a big deal. You can't really keep him from talking to anyone. It wouldn't be fair to him, or you if he decided to tell you who you could or could not talk too. But, learning to live with all he's done to you isn't right. Cheating ISN'T the norm in a relationship, nor should it be tolerated. I think what you did was the best. If he was continuously hurting you, the relationship was unfairly one-sided, you giving more of an effort than he is. Would you have liked to be engaged to someone who constantly cheated, blamed all the problems you have completely on you, and continued to hurt you. Truthfully, it's not fair, and you're lucky to have gotten out of that. No one deserves it.

[dr2005]

Hey Marissa,

First and foremost, I'm really sorry to hear about your break-up - I was with my ex for a similar period of time so I can also empathise with how entwined you can end up becoming. That all said, I would very much echo Elizabeth and Shannon's comments - you should not have to settle for someone cheating on you in that manner, and certainly not for them to then try and pin the blame for issues arising from that on you. That is just completely unacceptable. Ultimately, being in a relationship should make you happy, not miserable, and if it's making you feel miserable then it's time to consider whether it's in your best interests carrying on. So on that basis, I would say you did the right thing faced with that. I realise that doesn't make it any easier, but it's worth remembering that in the days ahead.

Insofar as what to do next is concerned, as Elizabeth says the best thing to do is to take time to love yourself and look after yourself. Do things you enjoy, spend time with friends, let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling. Speaking from experience, that's a lot better than just bottling things up inside. It will be difficult sometimes, but putting yourself first in the short term will pay off in the longer term. Above all, remember that you can move forward from this and you will find someone who treats you better and is deserving of the love you give them.

Hope some of that helps and take care.