Forever alone.

[RedClover]

I am a seventeen year old girl who is a high school senior. However, I have NEVER dated, and it really bothers me. It makes me feel as if something is the matter with me. Well, technically there is (I've been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, ADHD, and I'm a bit of a stutterer), but regardless, I am one of those people who is just *there*. I have friends, but they never ask me to do anything with them, and I hesitate to invite them as well, as I cannot drive. Additionally, I don't have much in common with them. Most of the girls whom I am friends with I befriended in junior high mainly because they were not mean to me, and while they are very tolerant, I don't exactly click with all of them,

I've had three rather strong crushes in the past three years, but none of those three guys thought that I was worth their time. Recently, I began to develop feelings for one of my very close guy friends, but even though he and I are pretty close, I doubt that he sees me as girlfriend material.

But the problem is that I always tend to harbor very strong feelings for one person at a time; I've been that way since elementary school. Regardless, I'm running out of options. Most of the guys in my grade want nothing to do with my hide, and I'm not willing to date much younger, which I admit is slightly problematic because my chances of meeting someone in high school are decimated. Three-fourths of my peers are measurably younger than me now, and I would have less in common with the younger ones. Additionally, given my practically nonexistent social life and social network, dating someone from another school isn't feasible, as I probably would have no way to see them for at least a few more months.

Three people have had feelings for me in my lifetime. One was when I was in elementary school, two were special education students (I would not feel comfortable dating either of them), and the other was a drug user, which is an automatic 'no' for me.

And yes, I know that I will probably find someone in college, but I want a bit of experience now. I feel as if I am ready. Besides, I'm sick of being told that everything will improve in college. If it's so awesome, why do I have to still be in high school? I'm sick of waiting!

[Chris.]

Don't feel bad - because my two bestfriends are in the same boat as you - have never even hugged a girl (besides relatives). So don't think you are alone.

The thing is you are rushing it to much - and when we look for someone to be with or love - then often times we wont find that person. We usually find that person when we don't expect to.

The major thing that I see lacking here is confidence - and social skills.

Confidence - you have to love yourself, before others can love you. Yes, i think to some extent you do love yourself - however from the way you worded some things it seems like you have all these negative thoughts - and that is what is bringing down the confidence. So one of the goals here is to build up the confidence.

Social skills - Since you have friends, you are a step ahead of other people. Even though you don't relate much to them, try.I'm sure you have - but start getting involved with them more. Start joining a club or a sport where you get good friends. To be honest (although its sad), guys sometimes do base girls off how many friends they have and who they hang with. Personally, I would rather talk to the girl who has confidence, and has a big group pf friends, then the one who is sitting at a table with people she doesn't even connect to (which trust me, other people can sense things like this).

Two Goals - Very Hard Goals: Confidence; Social Skills. These will take you to the moon and back - and its not easy, I know because I have been there with depression and girls. Look up some sites on google about confidence - and as far as social skills go - just say hi to someone random and build up on the convo every time you see them. Be open to new things, and smile often.



Best wishes.
Chris

[RedClover]

First of all, thanks for your time and input. As much as I hate to admit it, you are probably right about a lot of things. Or rather, you're at least correct about the confidence part. I generally lack confidence because I don't see that there's much about me to love.

Sure, I have my talents and gifts, but it's hard to appreciate what you have when everyone around you has much more obvious success. For example, I have been on my school newspaper's staff for since I was a freshman. Over the years, I have worked my way up to being one of three associate editors. However, two of the girls whom I started out with ended up be coming the co-editors-in-chief. It seems as if everyone beats me out in life, so what's there to be confident about?

My main objection is to the social skills part. To be honest, despite having Asperger's, my social skills are not in the gutter. Sure, I'm certain that most people at my school are pretty sure that I have it from interacting with me, but the only two other people with it that I know in person have much weaker social skills. Honestly, being somewhat autistic does not hold me back when meeting new people, but it's just that I have been at my school district since I was a little kid, so I grew up with these kids when my social skills were poorer, kwim? It's not how I behave today, it's mostly how I acted from about fifth grade until maybe eighth grade or my freshman year.

Also, I know my school like the back of my hand. Being a newspaper staffer who also helps out yearbook students, I go to extracurriculars quite often. The problem is that there are only so many people that you'll run into that are friendly. For example, I have almost no friends in newspaper; it's basically a clique. Also, I used to be a member of my school's quiz bowl team, but I quit this year because I had *no* friends on the team and I knew that I would not befriend any of the kids there. That may sound fickle, but I would spend a LOT of time with people who wanted to do nothing with me, so that hurt.

To be honest, I don't know where to start outside of school. I don't work, and my interests and hobbies are fairly unusual. Besides, I'm pretty sure if I joined a club somewhere else that I'd be with a bunch of adults with no one close to my age. :I

[Chris.]

Its not about beating others - its about doing what you want to do and self-fulfillment. You weren't put here to compare yourself to others - you are your own person and should do your own thing.

Now, as for your social skills - they may be good for those who are in a similar position - but they can always be better. See often people say "I'm doing everything I can to make friends and be social" and in there eyes they really are - but in reality, they aren't. One HUGE step in there eyes is one very small step in the publics eyes.. So what I'm trying to say is there really isn't being overall socially active. I'm sure you walk through the halls and you see people you know - but yet you walk right past them. Sure they might be friends, or they might not, but since you know there name, maybe give alittle shout out and say 'hello ____', or 'hi _____'. These are simple things that will increase confidence - and make you more socially active.

As far as out of school - I know its hard, but maybe start volunteering to do things, getting involved in a project, or maybe just put in a few applications at a local store. Sounds simple - and may even sound stupid, but I have made such good friends from jobs, and from volunteering (like on here).

You can never run out of options - and although I'm sure it feels like this is a lost cause, but its not. It wont be easy, - and you have to work for it.



Best wishes,
Chris

[Choose]

Hey Mo, just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone in regards to your dating situation, and you shouldn't feel the NEED to try and date if you don't want to. Wait until you're ready. It can be scary trying to navigate the dating world. Even with confidence in yourself it can be scary and as Chris said, you may not have the confidence to proceed right now so it might be ultra scary for you.

In my opinion, you are actually in a pretty good boat. You already have hobbies and friends to network off of. The more people you meet and have positive interactions with, the more likely you'll be to socialize even MORE. Chris has said a lot of what I wanted to (albeit in better words ), but you could delve deeper into the friendships you already have, become an overall happier person, and romantic partners will naturally be drawn into that.

[leavemealone]

I'm 16, never been kissed, nor have ever gone on a date before, so your not the only one I have also had the same problems with guys! I have crushes on them, and they don't seem to want to have anything to do with me. It has a tole on your self-esteem. But really, it is going to get better, and right now you just have to keep your eyes open. You don't find the guy, the guy finds you The guy knows your the one for him before you know. So wait till he finds you, and your going to be so happy! Don't worryyyy

[AmazonQueen]

Me too, I am in the same boat so your not alone by any means. Most of my relationships have been long distance. My boyfriend is amazing but sometimes I still wish people in person would show more interest. Don't think that because you haven't had a relationship yet mean that you are "deffective." I know it'd make you feel better if you have experience before college but honestly it's better to wait until YOU'RE ready and you find someone who is right for you and have good experience than lowering your standards just so you can have experience. You're young. Don't worry so much just try to enjoy the little bit of teenage hood you have left before you start worrying about relationships, college, work and all that. Soon enough you'll be out on your own in a brave new world.

You'll be moving from the lake to the ocean where there will be a ton more fish in the proverbial sea and opportunities.

So my conclusion is don't worry, just sit back and enjoy the ride and let things happy naturally.
I'm sure everything will work out for you just fine.

[RedClover]

To be honest, even though I initially thought that you guys were wrong when you said "don't worry, there's no rush; you're probably not even ready yet," I actually examined my train of thought. My end result?: it's how I think of high school relationships that makes me want one.

I'm stuck between "I'm such a loser; my only friends who have NEVER dated or even went do a school dance with a guy are evangelical Christians who would probably never go within six inches of a guy until after graduation" and "there is no one whom I respect that takes me seriously seriously at this school over the age of fifteen". Maybe it is for the better; I tend to find the temporal nature of high school dating to be annoying and contradictory, and there's nothing saying that little Miss Student Council Leader hasn't gone through the same crap, albeit with a faked smile and hush-hushed drama on Facebook about him cheating on her or something.

I don't know. I'm just lonely. My current friendships suck, to be honest, and I don't know exactly what is so "good" about being a teenager. The only good things I can think of is the lack of responsibility. Frankly, there's more that I cannot do than I am permitted to do, and there's all of these social events which I may or may not attend which crate me up with my snobby graduating class.

And just for the record: I CANNOT make any friends from my current school activities. I have tried, and I'm just a turn-off to them.