Lovesick and Lost

[CitizenErased]

This new year eve could've been one of two things -
1. I joined the person I love to celebrate new year, things go well and I finally tell her how I've felt about her.
2. It's a complete disaster and I end up having a miserable time.

Sadly, the answer to which one it was is fairly predictable - Because let's face it, I wouldn't be here writing a thread if it went well :/ December was a disaster on so many levels. College was coming to an end and work was getting stupidly busy. I decided I needed a weekend away from everything and to go and see Amy, the girl I love with all my energy. This was 2 weeks before New Year, so I booked a hotel with my Dad and went up to London to see her. She actually lives in Reading, the city I was born in. So I got to London and spent ages getting ready, making sure everything was perfect.

I left my hotel and got on a train to Reading. 10 minutes into the journey, I receive a text. I hadn't had a reply from her all day, so I had been waiting for it. Sadly, the content of the message couldn't have been further from my wishes. "Really sorry Aidan, I've been ill ALLLL night and don't think I'm gonna be able to make it today. Definately see you soon though! xx". This destroyed any hope I had. I picked myself up, tried to dust myself off and move on.

For years, I've seen her for a couple of days, and there's an indescribable beauty about her. She's effortlessly bold, brilliant and painfully beautiful. She's everything I could dream of and more. A closer friendship/relationship always felt like just an armstretch away. I tried so hard to sort something out, I never gave up. But every time I didn't get a reply, it slowly began hurting more and more. Even so, I started loving her even more.

I never knew whether she genuinely was ill or not, but I thought "You only live once" so I had to try one last time to sort something out. So I asked if she was free for New Year. I've loved the whole of her family for years, so I was over the moon when they said they were free and would like to have a party. So I booked a hotel in Reading for the night before New Year, travelled up there (are you starting to see a pattern?). New Years Eve I get a text saying there's been a problem and I can no longer stay with them. There's no way to describe how I felt when I got that text.

So I spent New Years with a bunch of middle aged morons. They are everything I hate. So I got painfully drunk and smoked a cigar I had saved. My parents found me smoking it and just before New Year I got destroyed by them. Nothing more could've gone wrong.

I got another text yesterday reading something like "I'm sorry about New Year, I (Amy's dad) have left home, I just told the family I am leaving indefinitely, so I knew New Year wouldn't be a good time." This leaves me confused. I don't know what's the truth and what's not. The day I travelled to see Amy when I was in London, I read tweets later about her having her haircut and going out to a party. That doesn't sound like someone who's ill? She then went out and spent New Year with some of her friends, so clearly the break up of her parents didn't have enough affect to stop her doing something for New Year. And considering I paid a fortunate to travel up and stay close-by, it seems slightly un-reasonable to change plans last so last minute.

I am devastated that Amy's parents have broken up. They were my heroes. I also found out that Amy is depressed. I relate to her so well, we had a connection, I could feel it. But as the great Philosopher Thom Yorke once said, "Just 'cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there", likewise Jagger had some advice for me as well, "You can't always get what you want".

My question to all of you is this: How many times is it possible to get knocked down, before it's not possible to pick myself back up?

Everyone who has ever meant anything to me in my life has told me "You've just got to chase your dreams, do whatever it takes to get there, because it will feel so good". Are there some times you just have to give up, or do I try again?

Thank you so much for reading some/all of this, I really appreciate it <3 Any thoughts, advice, useful quotes or such like would be so helpful, thank you! <3

[Nicole!]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's all that interested in seeing you. If she wanted to see you as much as you want to see her, I'm sure she would have found some time to see you.
She also isn't worth your time, in my opinion. You deserve a girl who won't continuously blow you off when you took the time and spent the money to come see her. She should appreciate what you've done and at least make some time for you.
Sadly there isn't much you can do about this, you can't make her want to see you. Did this all happen after you told her how you felt? That may be why she was blowing you off. She may not know how to act around you.

[CitizenErased]

Thanks for your reply Nicole I've never directly told her that I love her, but she can probably guess. I guess I always had a feeling she had no interest in me, but I tried to shrug it off and pretend it wasn't true. But I needed to hear that from someone. Thank you

[Aletheia*]

While I agree with Nicole, there are a few things I'd like to point out.

1. By ill, it sounds like maybe she had partied all night and gotten herself into a bit of a drunken mess and wasn't feeling well. You said you seen her partying (or seen the tweets) about partying the night before, and she cancelled plans to see you the next day. This pretty much adds up to my suspicions.

2. With the breaking up of her parents, try to be in her shoes: Would you want to stay home and watch your family fall apart around you? Probably not. So, she went and met up with friends to have a good time. New Years wasn't the best day for her parents to break up, as that's supposed to be the celebration of a new year. So, she surrounded herself with people who could take her mind off what had happened.

Honestly, it does sound like she has no interest in you. Which sucks since you sound like a very nice guy. She isn't worth your time!

[CitizenErased]

Those are 2 very good points. I just wish it was different Thanks Shannon

[blumemusik♫]

Aidan (I'm sorry, I keep spelling your name wrong!)
You're heartbroken, I can tell. So you obviously don't want a third person to tell you what you already know. So I won't but I will tell you this:
I've spoken to you for what? Less than a week. And I can already tell that you're a lovely guy, and that this Amy girl would be lucky to have you, because you are clearly besotted with her.
The obvious points are this:
1) You can tell her how you feel, but that's totally up to you. It will probably make a difference, but whether this is a positive thing or a negative thing won't be known until you tell her.
2) It was unreasonable to cancel on you after you travelled so far to be with her, but that's life. I'm sorry
3) Perhaps the most important point. You don't know her full circumstances. Don't be too upset with her, because you don't know entirely what was going on. So I guess this is saying maybe don't lose hope. Until you've walked in her shoes, you don't know what was going through her head.

We learn from our experiences. You asked how many times you can be knocked down before you can't get back up. The answer is as many times as you're willing to dust yourself off and stand up again. Maybe it is time to move on. Maybe you tell her, and then move on if she doesn't feel the same. Or maybe you pine after her for years. Its your decidion

It sounds as if you love this girl. So whatever you do, please be careful and try not to fall too much further in because it'll hurt even more when you eventually move on. It'll take time, but in the end, friendship can be more valuable than love.

I'm here if you ever need to vent (or a girl's opinion )

~Kate <3