Advice from anyone in a Long Distance Relationship

[effyfrost]

I'm writing this basically because I'm not sure if I should continue in the long distance relationship that I'm currently in. If anyone is in one themselves or even if you aren't and can give me advice, I'd really appreciate it. And please, don't hesitate to be completely honest. Don't worry about sparing my feelings.

I met this guy online, through the nerdfighters website (if anyone knows what that is), and we've been talking everyday for about six months now. We both live in the US, about a thousand miles away from each other. And one hour time difference. We text constantly, the only time we are not texting is when we are sleeping, skype or talk on the phone a couple times a week, and we often mail each other things. We have never met in person.

The first couple months we just talked a lot and realized how much we had in common. We both felt like we had never met someone else like each other and that we were the only people that understood each other. About three months in, he said he loved me. I said it back and I truly meant it. It's been escalating since then.

Now he says things like "you're the only reason I have to live" (which doesn't seem like an okay thing to say to me. that puts alot of pressure on me!) and he's actually talked to me about things in the future like whether or not I want to have kids or adopt kids. I'm glad we can talk about the future, because otherwise we wouldn't have much of a relationship, but sometimes he just freaks me out. I want to travel and live an exciting life, without being tied down by anyone too soon. I'm not sure if I want to do this long distance thing. It sucks because I really do think we would be perfect for each other and I'm sure if we were in the same place we would have a successful relationship, but I just don't know if I can do this long-distance thing. It's like I don't want to be apart from him but I also don't want to not be with him at all. If I break it off, I'm afraid I'll regret it and never be able to find anyone like him in real life.


We've had plans to visit eachother, but they haven't worked out. The first was a few months ago where he was supposed to visit me at my college and stay with me in my dorm but he said he couldn't because his parents said no. He's 19 years old, and I kind of felt like he was an adult so he didn't have to ask his parents, but I got over that. We had tentative plans to go to this music festival this summer, but now he is saying that won't work out and that instead he'll see if he can see my for my birthday. Well I just had a birthday and my next one is a year away! I really like him and think we're perfect for eachother, except for the one reason of not being in the same state and I just feel like waiting around for him isn't going to make me happy. I would have been happy just being friends and seeing where things take us but he talks as if we are in an exclusive relationship and could not date other people. I don't know if I'm ready to commit to that.

He does tell me that he will live anywhere I want to live, even move where I live now, after we both graduate from college, but to be honest I don't know if I want to wait that long. And if I do, what are the realistic chances he will actually be able to get a job here and move here? Another problem I have is that I'm so embarrassed to tell anyone, especially my family how I met him. I feel like I could never be honest with my family, but my family's approval is very important to me.

I really do want this to work out, I just don't know if it's worth it. Or if I have the strength to do it.

Any advice at all would be great, thanks for reading, and sorry if I seem whiny.

[SerenitySmile]

I've never been in a relationship that had a distance ending in more than two 0's, but I think regardless of how many miles, being long distance is hard. To be honest, I sound a lot like your boyfriend. I never want to be away from my special one, and talking about the future is comforting to me. I feel bad about saying that I already have a wedding dress designed, but it's what's keeping me from worrying that the relationship will end. Could your boyfriend be thinking this? Are they paranoid or overprotective at times? Before you split things, I would really be with him in person because a relationship can change completely when you're physically with them. It's rough that his parents still control who he spends the night with, but it's just a part of his lifestyle that you have to try an accept. The whole, "I would die without you bit" I find hard to believe. When we lose someone, we *feel* like dying sometimes, but most of us are able to move on. Do what will make *you* heart happy. But I think trying to see him in person would help you decide this.

[PSY]

After reading your story, it doesn't seem like distance is really the problem. The problem is that you can't decide whether or not you want to fully commit to him at this point in time. Sure, distance is a factor - but it sounds like you'd be hesitant, even if he did live nearby. You said you want to travel and don't want to be tied down just yet. So I don't see how his living nearby would change anything in that regard.

What I would suggest is to talk about everything with your boyfriend. It's clear that he's thinking way into the future, and you're not ready to do that. Let him know how you're feeling, even if it means hurting his feelings. It's better than leading him on, only to break the news after he's invested even more time and energy into the relationship. Communication is vital to having a successful relationship, and that is especially true with long-distance relationships.

[effyfrost]

thank you both so much for your advice. i do agree that I should meet him in person before deciding, its just hard when that could be a whole year of my life away and involve one or both of us spending alot of money. maybe I will try and be honest with him about the commitment freaking me out until that time so it will be easier. talking about the future does comfort me even if it freaks me out sometimes, i'm more afraid of hurting him though if i change my mind.

[Ambiance]

Mm, I'm in a long-distance thing, but there's a difference; I met my boyfriend and we lived in the same area, knowing one another, for almost two years and had a relationship where we saw each other every day for one year before he moved, and now it's been cut to seeing each other once a week or every other at the worst, usually.

I don't really support long-distance relationships; with all due respect, people are more likely to share personal information after meeting online because they don't feel all the pretenses necessary when you meet someone in person; that may be the reason that you both feel so connected. If you went on a couple dates with someone you thought was cute in real life, you might find a connection there as well. I'm not trying to tell you you should break it off for sure; I know how the whole thing goes where you feel like you need someone, but you simultaneously want to venture to other places, even with other people. And you should tell him that you can't be in a relationship where you're "his only reason to live", clarify the boundaries both of you want (is it exclusive? can you see anyone else? are you boyfriend and girlfriend? ect.) I think he's looking for something official, though he really should be making his own decisions if he's at least 19.

[roller♥coaster]

I met my boyfriend via YouTube, about four years ago. I'm American, he's Croatian, so there's more than just an ocean between us, and that's a six-hour time difference too. Since then, we've met up in person (for the first time three years after meeting and two after starting a relationship of sorts) and found that we get along as well as we thought we would, perhaps even better. Others have covered most of my other sentiments, but I want to say that things like this CAN work out, but they do take a lot of commitment. You need to decide (as Ambiance said) what exactly your rules, expectations, and boundaries are. If you don't think you can make that commitment, then I advise you to get out of this situation, even if that's hard to do.

Also, I'm 19 and I still ask my for my parents' approval when I plan on going out for long periods, ie. overnight. It's not so much permission, but you don't just stop caring about what they think the day you turn 18 if you have a reasonable relationship with them. :/