Non-PG13: Something Unconditional

[Smitten]

NOTE: This thread may be Triggering for - Substance Abuse

Hey guys, it's been a while -

I would prefer for only the older folks (19/20+) to reply to this thread unless someone younger feels that they have something insightful to add. (not that I don't appreciate the input from the younger kids, but we are just in different points of life.)

The past 6 months has been an eye opening and life altering experience for me. Profoundly positive, and profoundly negative.

On the positive side:

I've been taught how to dress with style, how to make important contacts, how to succeed better in college, had a bit of a attitude makeover in terms of coping styles, and shared a very fulfilling relationship with a brilliant woman. (Fulfilling during the good times that is...)

I've been dating a movie star in her mid twenties, traveling and going to places I never thought I would - I've watched people do cocaine in front of me - flash thousands of dollars on a whim, you know movie star shit, etc.

The negative...

Clubbing, recreational drugs, being out until all hours of the morning, getting so obliterated on alcohol that you can't remember the night before and sleeping until 4pm - this is what she loves to do socially, it is her social life.
She has what she calls a "minor" alcoholism problem.
It really doesn't help at all that she is a really mean drunk, all she knows how to do when she gets to that point is prey on any insecurities that I have and make me feel like absolute garbage.

Then there is this whole issue of us disagreeing on the fundamentals of a relationship - she has dated millionaire business tycoons who would travel for half the year and she would not hear from them for weeks at a time and not see them for months. So to her, being totally independent of each other and doing our own thing when we are not together is the norm. She feels totally within her right to just head into the city or a neighboring state and hit the clubs and casinos without so much as a word to me. That really pisses me off.
All I expect is for her to keep me appraised of what she is doing/ where she is going when it's something major like that.

I am used to having very transparent and effective communication in a relationship, in which I can contact my partner whenever and get a reply within the hour - I always reply immediately regardless of where I am or what I am doing - so within the hour I don't think of as a unreasonable request.


The current issue:

Currently we aren't speaking, and as usual - the woman in the situation makes me out to be the asshole.

The rundown:

We are not speaking because she is pissed at me for being mad at her for being upset with me over me feeling neglected by her.

The explanation/breakdown:

I feel neglected by her - Because last Wednesday she had just gotten out of 2 days of college orientation and was totally burnt out so I took her out for dinner and some drinks to take her mind off of it, then we went back to her place and cuddled until she fell asleep in my arms and I let myself out and went home. She had promised me that she would give me a great day the following day as a thanks, involving much bedroom action. The next day I did not hear from her - so around 4:30pm I sent her a text and told her that I hoped she had a restful night and that if I did not hear from her soon, I would just head over to her place. At about 5:30pm I got to her house and she answered the door in a dismissive way and just said "I wasn't ready for you yet" ok, ouch - I brought you a cup of your favorite coffee and then I get that as a welcome... the hurt start there. She proceeded to have me wait for 2 hours while she worked on insurance issues with her school transfer (It's important and I understand her frustration because they gave her no help and no notice and a tiny window of opportunity) what I don't understand is the way she was treating me - she kept calling me "this kid" which started to really make my blood boil because I have a fucking name and I'm not a kid.
When speaking to her mother: "This kid is waiting for me over there and I have to rush because he really wants to hang out." Mind you, I'm just sitting there watching the news because every offer to help her was shot down.

Finally she TEXTS me from her room "Tonight is not going to work out, sorry for the inconvenience" like she's a customer service rep and I'm nothing more than a client waiting for a meeting. I don't even deserve a 20 foot walk to give me a kiss and apologize? What a fuck you to me.
So I go and confront her about it and tell her she is treating me like I'm a nuisance... She proceeded to flip out on me, tell me I "AM a nuisance and that all I ever want is to have fun, cuddle, and have sex and that she has work to do and dosent have fucking time for my lovey shit right now." I wished her goodluck on her work and went to give her a hug before I left and she didn't move, not even a milometer... just kept working on her laptop. Didn't even say bye.

A side note: I'm a very physical person. Gifts mean nothing to me, money means very little, compliments are insignificant... The only way I actually FEEL loved and appreciated is through touch. Not just sexual, I am talking about hugs, kisses, a brush across the arm when she passes me, cuddling, holding hands, laying her head on my chest/shoulder, etc. To be ignored is my worst torment. To be in the presence of someone that I love and have them not want to be touched or want to touch me - it causes unfathomable feelings of anxiety and as if I have done something wrong or inadequate. As long as I have touch and peel loved, I am like a brick and can take a hell of an emotional beating - take that away and I crumble like sand.

She is upset with me - Because I am apparently not understanding when it comes to taking a back seat to her work, and am too sensitive and take everything too personally. *YET* She has yet to apologize for how she treated me.

I am mad at her - because we had plans saturday and I never heard from her, not even to cancel, we had plans for sunday in which I was out until 1AM in the freezing cold on friday preparing for and she canceled on me - PROMISED to see me / have sex monday, at 2:30 in the morning she texted me that he mom was being rused to the hospital and I offered to go with her for moral and emotional support - I did not hear back from her. Actually, she never even canceled on me for that afternoon and when I asked how her mother was doing I got no reply. I tried to give her space, texting her only positive things once or twice a day or not messaging her at all.

Finally last night I couldn't deal with it anymore and I asked her what the hell was going on, I kinda flipped out because I HATE being ignored, especially when I'm just trying to fucking be there for her and support her!

She is pissed at me - Because APPARENTLY I am being selfish and she needs space, because she is depressed and has a huge workload and "Can't deal with all my need's right now" because she is going through a rough time.

All I ask if for some communication, 5 minutes out of her day, fuck it - every other day even. To just let me know she's even alive and still gives a damn about our relationship.


Right now it's pretty much a "I'll hear from her when I hear from her" situation.



I get that I'm high maintenance - I'll be the first to admit that.
But I've totally toned down any expectations of her and she still can't deal with me? the fuck? Even just trying to make her happy is apparently selfish of me.

I'm rambling now - time to hit submit thread.

[PSY]

It's great to see you again, Smitten! =) I'm just sorry that this issue is what brought you back to TeenHelp. =P

I know you didn't really ask a question with this thread... and that's okay, because sometimes all we need is to rant and know someone cares enough to read. I'm going to answer the implicit question, though: what should you do? In my opinion, it's time to leave her. This isn't necessarily about weighing the "good" with the "bad" - it's about whether or not you two are compatible. You're not. You express love in different ways, and you can't change her "style" of loving people (if you can even call anything she's been doing "loving").

Your best bet is to end the relationship and find someone who enjoys staying in touch throughout the day, who enjoys physical (sexual and non-sexual) contact, and who will truly appreciate you. I don't think you sound "high maintenance" at all... it just sounds like you want to experience love, and that's not happening. If you find the right person, I have no doubt that what seems to be "clingy" or "neurotic" now will vanish. If you were with the right person to begin with, you wouldn't be acting this way. =)

[Aletheia*]

Welcome back! It has been quite a while since we last heard from you, and sadly, this issue has brought you back!

Firstly, I'm sorry that you're struggling so much with this. While it was a lot to read, I'm glad you've included every little detail you could think of. It was extremely relevant to the thread to know EVERYTHING.

Now, as Robin said, you didn't leave a question but the ever imposing "What should you do?" really is needed. For this, I'm going to have to agree with Robin. Right now, you are both in different state of minds. Shes a budding actress who is going to do anything and everything to boost her career, and it sounds like she can't be bothered with having a relationship right now, hence all the ignoring you and lack of communication between you. She also has a social life of most actors and actresses, and while it might be fun for a while, could you really see yourself staying with someone who wants to do nothing but party every night until all hours of the morning? It might be a great life in the beginning but its going to run the both of you down in the long run.

Honestly, I think it's time to leave. You are 100 times more invested into this relationship than I think she ever will be. She expresses her "love" in different ways than you, and while you might not find a girl who expresses her love the same way you do, you can find a girl who shares what you like to do. What she's doing isn't fair to you, and it might be time to find a girl who can be as invested in the relationship as you.

[Amber]

I think it might be time to break up with this lovely ball of sunshine.
You're doing everything the perfect guy should do. You respect her, you bring her coffee (I wish MY boyfriend did that haha,) you put up with all of her pointless shenanigans. You two definitely seem like you're on two totally different levels right now and it doesn't seem like it's going to work itself out at all. If this girl isn't going to treat YOU with respect - then eff it. You need to find someone who is going to love you and give you what you deserve.

[Smitten]

Thank you for your replies, yeah... it seems like the relationship may be going stale. But with the stresses of school and now the fact that her mother may be dying... I feel like I have to cut her some slack.

I'm not sure, any more opinions before I start pondering on how to handle this?

[Aletheia*]

I'd want to be sympathetic towards her situation, but I'm finding it really difficult. She hasn't shown YOU any sympathy, so why should you return it? If her actions were because her mother has been sick and is possibly dying, then I'd be a little sympathetic, but her actions basically are a big F U to you. It's entirely unfair to you, and while it might be unfair for her, it hasn't sounded like she's been completely fair to you either.

[PSY]

My friend's mother recently passed away... and he did NOT treat his girlfriend the way your girlfriend is treating you. I know that everyone handles stress/grief differently, but I am providing this example to illustrate that not everyone acts like a total b*tch to their partners in situations like these. Your girlfriend may be going through a lot, but that doesn't give her the right to treat you like garbage. If she was testy from time to time, but apologized later on, that would be one thing. She's not showing ANY remorse, though, so I can't say that I feel much sympathy for her. I don't think you should have to wait to break up with her out of respect for her feelings - maybe if she was a nicer person to you, this wouldn't be necessary. Maybe she'll think twice before treating the next boyfriend the way she's been treating you.

[Smitten]

Thank you, Robin, Shannon, and Amber.

We decided to split...
She told me she loves me so much but we are just too different in terms of what we need in a relationship and it drives her as crazy as it does me.

She said I deserve better treatment than she can give me and that she will always have my back as a friend.

The breakup is mutually agreed upon, no harsh words were exchanged.

I guess it could be alot worse. I hate being alone, but I am also relieved... I won't ever be dating an actress again - let me tell you.

The emotions involved with KNOWING another man is going to be sexually holding your woman - even if it IS for art ... are indescribable. It's much like that feeling of helplessness you get when you feel you are being cheated on but have no proof - only everyone has proof... it's on the damn TV.

Definitely not for us touchy feely males, let me tell you... it's impossible to compartmentalize.

Not to mention that it's alot easier to handle a girlfriend having a movie-star crush on Mr. Twilight Werewolf when she doesn't actually KNOW HIM. FML.


Anyway. thanks folks.

[dr2005]

Sorry to hear about what had been going on and the eventual break-up. Having looked at what was going on, though, I agree with Robin, Shannon and Amber that it was for the best - you were just at completely different stages in your life and it didn't gel for whatever reason. I know it's probably a bit raw right now, and can sympathise with that, but for what it's worth I'd say you'll find the right girl for you soon enough, one who will appreciate the gestures you made rather than shoot them down. In the meantime, look after yourself and try and stay positive.

[PSY]

I'm sorry that things ultimately didn't work out... but I think you made the right decision, based on what your needs are for romantic relationships. =) Since the issue has been resolved, I am closing this thread; however, feel free to PM me if you would like to have it re-opened, or feel free to create a new thread!