In a funk :/

[Aletheia*]

Hey guys.

As most of you know (and if you look in my sig), you'll know that I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. Our anniversary is coming up next weekend on the 28th.

Lately, I've had this horrible gut feelings (Don't you hate them!?) about my relationship. Saturday night (last weekend), we went out to celebrate with a few friends. As most of you know, again, my boyfriend is also military and a good friend of ours was leaving for his mandatory training with the Army. So, we're having a good celebrating. I had been upset with my boyfriend because he ditched out on my sister's baby shower earlier that day, and then was acting like a jerk afterward because he wouldn't wait for me to go out that night. (I know the baby shower thing sounds weird, but it was a co-ed baby shower and it was important to me). Anyway, back to the point: I met up with him at the bar, was having a great time celebrating with our friends and things were okay. I got over him not coming to the shower, and we were having a blast. At the end of the night, and I can't exactly remember what happened, but we were leaving and something must have been said because he walked away, and I followed him. He hates that, and I admit that I should have given him his space. But, I decided to follow him (mainly for the reason so he could say goodbye to everyone before we went our separate ways). Well, he said something about not loving me anymore, and that it had started 12 hours ago.

Obviously, this was the thing that got to me the most. We argued and fought, and eventually, we got in the car and drove home. I went back to his place, and in the morning, we were able to talk about things and he claims he doesn't remember anything he had said. All fine and dandy right? Not really. For the past few days, I've been feeling that he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. I don't know what's making me feel or think this way, but I'm guessing it has something to do with Saturday. I'm not saying I'm a bad girlfriend, but I do my best to hold up my end of the relationship. I do A LOT: I cook and clean, I do his laundry when I'm at his house, I do anything he pretty much asks. I know he's upset because I haven't been working, and he thinks I'm not doing anything to change that but he's wrong. I just...I don't know.

If this is going to end, am I wrong in feeling that it should be done sooner or later? I'd rather him tell me instead of stringing me along and making me think that everything is okay.

How do I approach this? I want to do it face to face, but if worse comes to worse, would it be okay to talk about this over the phone? I'm scared, and I can't picture myself with anyone else and I'm about to cry just thinking about the relationship that has meant most to me fall apart. I just don't know what to do.

[PSY]

I think this is a conversation that should be done in-person. Yes, over the phone would be easier... but it could also be seen as a cop-out. His thoughts regarding that may be, "Why couldn't she just say something last night/this morning? Why did she have to wait until LATER to say something? Gosh, this is so annoying!" Of course, I don't know your boyfriend as well as you do, so you'd be in a better position to judge his thoughts... but it seems like your boyfriend can have a short fuse at times and jump to conclusions too quickly when he's upset. I'd hate for you two to start off a conversation on the wrong foot... and over the phone, where you're missing that face-to-face element!

Now, I wouldn't approach him and say, "Are you breaking up with me?" or "Do you even love me anymore?" Don't assume anything along those lines! Instead, re-visit what he said at the party, when he said he no longer loved you. I know you already had a discussion, and he said he can't remember any of it... but your feelings are legitimate, and he needs to understand that, even if he doesn't remember it, it was still hurtful to you. I would start off the conversation with something like this:

"Hey, Kristopher. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment?"
(sit down with him)
"I've been thinking about what you said the other day - about how you said you no longer loved me. I know you said you can't remember it, and I understand that - but it still upset me. I'm not trying to dwell on the past or blame you for what happened... but I do want you to know that hearing something like that leaves a lasting impact on me. I feel inadequate as a girlfriend. I know I haven't been able to find a job, and that bothers you, but I have been trying to make up for it by doing things around the house. Is there anything you want to say about anything I just said?"

Again, the actual conversation is going to be different, because you know your boyfriend and his typical reactions best - but the idea is to stick to "I" statements and allow your boyfriend to participate and give feedback, vs. just dwelling on what happened and how much it hurt you.

I wish you all the best, and hope you have a wonderful three-year anniversary next week! <3

[Aletheia*]

Thanks Robin! You literally know what to say to make any given situation better.

I'm hoping to talk to him face to face tomorrow. He works really strange hours, from like 5PM until 1:30AM and he sometimes even works until 5AM. He's going away this weekend (Not feeling the greatest about that either) to make up some training days with his unit, and I had asked him if he wanted to come spend the night since I wouldn't see him this upcoming weekend. He hasn't responded yet, but that's because I got a text from him saying he was working until 5AM instead of 1:30 (which, for some reason, I don't believe).

I just don't know what to do. I feel so horrible for feeling this way, but I can't shake this feeling. I don't want things to end, but then again, I'd rather just get it done if it's going to happen.

[PSY]

I can understand that feeling. I wouldn't want to wait around for someone to break up with me if I knew it was going to happen! The problem, however, is that you DON'T know with absolute certainty - and by giving yourself a "deadline" of sorts, you may inadvertently make the situation much worse. We don't think clearly when we're anxious - it may seem like we're being logical at the time, by just getting it over with - but in our haste, we can actually create new problems for ourselves.