Painfully Shy, Frightened of Guys

[kissfromarose]

I've always been pretty shy for as long as I can remember. But a few years ago I had a bad experience with a guy and now I really struggle in the company of anyone male but a lovely gay guy I know.

I think I need to explain the bad experience for anyone to be able to give me good advice so you'll have to bear with me if it comes out a bit garbled. It was when I was thirteen and at a hospiral unit school because of uncontolled epileptic fits. I began finding lots of origami paper hearts. At first it was just on my chair or in my desk but then I found them tucked in my P.E kits and with my make up and toilettries in my locker. A little frightened I mentioned it to a teacher and it stopped. Weeks later I was chatting with a boy also at the school and he said it was him that left the hearts. I tried to say I was flattered but didn't see him in that way when he began accusing me of leading him on. I was confused and a little panicked as I'd never thought of any guy in that way let alone someone I considered a friend. He grabbed my wrist and pushed me agaist the wall. I completely freaked out and started having a seizure. I could feel him squeezing my wrist and then he warned me that if I said anything to anyone then I'd be called a slut. For the last few weeks I was at the school he made my life hell but brushing against me or just watching me.

I know its not my fault. I know I did nothing wrong. I know I couldn't lead someone on if I tried but still I can't seem to trust anyone. I flinch if guys get in my personal space purely as a reflex. I'm sick of what happened controlling my life but I'm so scared that guys will be like him. I have a reputation as an innocent so some other guys at college think its funny to flirt or make comments.

I don't want to freak out everytime a guy jokes with me or steps too close.


Please Help!

Amy
x

[Mercyfall]

Well, my situation isn't the same as yours, but I'm a little afraid of talking to girls. I can talk to them now, but I'm still afraid of saying something stupid. If it's a girl I'm crushing on, that's a different story.

Anyway, I would just tell you that you have to realize that not all guys are like that, I would say that most guys aren't. I know the feeling, you know it's not true, but your feelings take control and you become afraid. I am currently trying to inch my way out, instead of taking a big leap of faith. I try to trust, little by little. I do not know if this is the best method, because I'm trying it now. I hope this helps a little

[kissfromarose]

Thanks for replying. Its just frustrating really that I'm still taking baby steps even through it happened four years ago. When I start to feel even a teeny bit relaxed something happens and makes me all jumpy again. I haven't spoken to anyone about what happened but strangely I feel a little better just for typing it out.


Amy
x

[PSY]

Have you ever considered talking to someone who specializes in PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)? I'm not sure if you would qualify for that diagnosis based on these symptoms; however, you do not need a diagnosis in order to benefit from therapy with a psychological professional. You could learn how to identify maladaptive ways of thinking about men, as well as learn how to cope with social situations involving men.

[Mercyfall]

Originally Posted by kissfromarose

Thanks for replying. Its just frustrating really that I'm still taking baby steps even through it happened four years ago. When I start to feel even a teeny bit relaxed something happens and makes me all jumpy again. I haven't spoken to anyone about what happened but strangely I feel a little better just for typing it out.


Amy
x

Yeah, it really helps to vent these things out. The way I see it, is that you were kind of holding it in for a long time and it's very hard to just snap your way out of that uncomfortableness, but I think if you take baby steps, it may help. Like I said, I'm no expert, just I'm seeing some decent results with what I'm doing now. I'm kind of over-the-top and hyper, but I've been able to keep some good conversations with people. Though, my situation isn't exactly the same. My nervousness is just because of being picked on in past experiences and letting it affect me. I also over-think things.

[kissfromarose]

Thanks for replying. I have actually seen a councellor before and had hypnotheraphy to deal with panic attacks I was having but I'd really rather not go and speak to anymore doctors or psycotherapist. I've been seeing them since I was 11 and now my seizures and panic attacks are fixed I don't want to have to go back to them.

I'm not sure what PTSD is but I thought it was something soldiers got when they came back from war....I'll go and google it now. Thank you.


Amy
x

[PSY]

Originally Posted by kissfromarose

Thanks for replying. I have actually seen a councellor before and had hypnotheraphy to deal with panic attacks I was having but I'd really rather not go and speak to anymore doctors or psycotherapist. I've been seeing them since I was 11 and now my seizures and panic attacks are fixed I don't want to have to go back to them.

I'm not sure what PTSD is but I thought it was something soldiers got when they came back from war....I'll go and google it now. Thank you.


Amy
x

While it's true that you usually hear about PTSD in the military, anyone can suffer from PTSD if they have suffered from a traumatic experience. PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder. I can understand your hesitancy to see another psychological professional after spending so much time focusing on your panic attacks. It may be something to consider in the future, though, should you continue to struggle around men. Hopefully, this is something you'll be able to work through without needing professional help. It sounds like you HAVE been making progress... it's just been at a slower pace than you would like. Hang in there, and keep talking to your loved ones about this issue and try out different coping strategies! =)

[kissfromarose]

Originally Posted by PSY

While it's true that you usually hear about PTSD in the military, anyone can suffer from PTSD if they have suffered from a traumatic experience. PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder. I can understand your hesitancy to see another psychological professional after spending so much time focusing on your panic attacks. It may be something to consider in the future, though, should you continue to struggle around men. Hopefully, this is something you'll be able to work through without needing professional help. It sounds like you HAVE been making progress... it's just been at a slower pace than you would like. Hang in there, and keep talking to your loved ones about this issue and try out different coping strategies! =)

I have no idea how you were able to work out that I might have PTSD but after looking it up I'm amazed. Most symtoms match and I now realise the panic attacks I was having were even related.

I really don't want to have to see another doctor so I'm hoping I can use some coping stratergies I've found online as well as the ones I had worked out by myself. Thank you for your advice. If anyone does have any stratergies I could use then please post.

I'm so relieved that I sort of have an answer and a way to move forwards.

Amy
x

[PSY]

Originally Posted by kissfromarose

I have no idea how you were able to work out that I might have PTSD but after looking it up I'm amazed. Most symtoms match and I now realise the panic attacks I was having were even related.

I really don't want to have to see another doctor so I'm hoping I can use some coping stratergies I've found online as well as the ones I had worked out by myself. Thank you for your advice. If anyone does have any stratergies I could use then please post.

I'm so relieved that I sort of have an answer and a way to move forwards.

Amy
x

I am studying to become a marriage and family therapist, so I have studied PTSD and other anxiety disorders. The symptoms you were describing seemed to line up with a possible diagnosis of PTSD, so that is why I mentioned it.

Please keep in mind, however, that just because I have studied PTSD does NOT make me qualified to diagnose you, nor should you diagnose yourself. That is something only a professional can do.

As you mentioned, though, even if you don't have an official diagnosis of PTSD, it is possible to read up on various coping strategies and learn to manage your symptoms more effectively, regardless of whether or not they are due to PTSD. I am so glad that you are starting to move forward. =) That in itself is a HUGE step toward recovery - many people will go their entire lives without ever realizing that something isn't quite right, or they'll never bother to look for answers to their questions.

I wish you all the best, and feel free to keep in touch with us! <3