Non-PG13: How do I tell him what I did???

[UndertheBlacklight]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (in February). I love him very much.
Two things to know about me: I have a really hard time saying no and second, I have TERRIBLE SELF CONTROL

I became friends with a coworker, and we developed a crush on each other, but were/are both in a relationship and didn't want anything to happen. Well a few months ago that changed, for him I guess, but I couldn't help feeling attracted to him. Well long story short he was touching my leg, and turned me on a little bit, and kept reaching closer and well his finger went inside me. I pushed him off and told him to stop, but I can't deny that I liked it and he knew it.

Well I wanted to remain friends and we continued to hang out. We flirted and such, but NEVER kissed. Well the fingering thing happened multiple times (less than 10) but every time I told him to stop, the duration was never more than a minute.

I know this was wrong, I feel terrible, and I know I need to tell my boyfriend. I just don't know how. I've started writing out a letter.. but I don't know what kind of detail to go in or how to say it. I'm EXTREMELY shy with words so I don't know what to say. PLEASE HELP ME FIND THE WORDS

[Nicole!]

You need to just be honest. Write this from the heart, and make sure he knows you feel bad about it but you love him. Don't go into too much detail, just say what happened, you don't want to upset him too much.
I'm glad you told this other guy to stop, but you really should talk with him about this and just tell him that you are with someone else, so this cannot happen anymore. It isn't fair for your boyfriend.

[UndertheBlacklight]

Thank you so much. Yeah, I haven't hung out with the other guy/seen him outside of work in a month +

The other thing I have a problem with in writing this is that I'm REALLY shy about sexual stuff, like talking about it. I can only do it here because it's anonymous. But how do I say the fingering part? Like what actually happened? Because that's as far as it ever went... so I want him to know it was never more than that (no oral stuff or anything) but I feel shy talking about it...


Thanks again! This really means a lot.

[PSY]

I'm sorry... but there's no way to say, "I let my co-worker finger me," without it being embarrassing. This isn't a matter of being shy - it's about saying something that you don't want to say. If you want a chance to salvage the relationship, though, you need him to know that it didn't go any further, ex. oral/vaginal sex. Otherwise, he will always wonder if you told him the whole truth. Think about your relationship and how much it means to you when you find yourself wanting to avoid writing or saying the words out loud.

[Aletheia*]

I agree with both posters.

There is no way to say what happened without it being embarrassing, but this isn't something to be embarrassed about to begin with. You made a bad decision, a mistake and we all make those. You need to be honest with your boyfriend if there is a chance to salvage your relationship. Hearing it from you, and not from anyone else, might help a bit but your boyfriend IS going to be hurt. If you don't tell him, you're going to have these feelings of immense guilt that won't go away unless you tell him the truth.

[ANBUxAssassin]

I will tell im to his face and just ask forgiveness and that it will never happen again i will leave that person who i did that to on the person im dating so i know it wont happen again. but remember if you cheat on someone it bound to happen back but tell them that your sorry and never meant for that to happen and he really loves you he will forgive you a burden like that will do no go for your heart

[Composure]

Does he have to know?
That's all I'm going to say.

[reddevil18]

One thing i would say is dont get it into your head that this will work out as it may not. You dont want to set yourself up for some big moment where you both cry but he says he loves you anyway and you both live happily ever after as you may not.

If you were my partner you would be out the door before you had finished speaking. 1 time i may of heard you out first but nearly 10?

Sorry if this a dim view on it all but im such a pessimist my glass isnt half empty, its smashed on the floor

[Nicole!]

Originally Posted by Composure

Does he have to know?
That's all I'm going to say.

Relationships shouldn't have lies in their base. If he found out and the OP didn't tell him, that would be really bad. Its always best to be honest in a relationship.

[Composure]

Originally Posted by Melody

Relationships shouldn't have lies in their base. If he found out and the OP didn't tell him, that would be really bad. Its always best to be honest in a relationship.

I'm sure it actually depends on the situation. Lies are okay; everyone has secrets. She wasn't being unfaithful. She might've enjoyed it, but she stopped him. She didn't exactly fall to temptation. She has nothing to feel guilty about.

If the OP's boyfriend found out, then there would be problems. But assume he won't. If the OP cuts all ties to this other person, and stops thinking about them and the actions they performed, then there's absolutely no problem in keeping it secret.

If she still feels guilty after all of that, then it's best to tell him. Otherwise, I wouldn't say anything.

[Nicole!]

Originally Posted by Composure

I'm sure it actually depends on the situation. Lies are okay; everyone has secrets. She wasn't being unfaithful. She might've enjoyed it, but she stopped him. She didn't exactly fall to temptation. She has nothing to feel guilty about.

If the OP's boyfriend found out, then there would be problems. But assume he won't. If the OP cuts all ties to this other person, and stops thinking about them and the actions they performed, then there's absolutely no problem in keeping it secret.

If she still feels guilty after all of that, then it's best to tell him. Otherwise, I wouldn't say anything.

I am not judging the OP, but it happened numerous times. That changes things:

Originally Posted by UndertheBlacklight

Well the fingering thing happened multiple times (less than 10) but every time I told him to stop, the duration was never more than a minute.
I know this was wrong

If it happened more than once and lasted up to a minute, then something should be said to her boyfriend. He deserves to know that. Yes, she stopped the other guy, but it wasn't immediate, and it took a few more times before she actually told the other guy to stop.
Again, I'd like to bring up my point that if he found out and she didn't tell him, it could ruin the relationship. You should always be honest with your significant other. Of course it will hurt them, but its always best if it comes from you, not someone else.
She's feeling guilty for a reason, and the only way to fix that is to just tell him.