Not over it...

[green_gangsta]

So i've been surfing this site for a while,... attempting to help people the best I could... but I never had the guts to post the reasons why I looked for TH in the first place... Some people know about me, however I feel like I need to make my story public in order to move on with my life... Forgive me if its a little long...

In order to understand me, you almost need to understand my past ...
My early childhood had several components missing... I would rarely ever see my parents or even talk to them. What I did have, was hundreds of new babysitters every week because my parents where always too busy to do anything with me or my brother. What those babysitters did is another story i'm not ready to open up still...

My brother was the only person I had consistent contact with, but he always saw me as annoying... a hinderance to him, i always looked up to him... once we moved to our current city, he immediately made friends with other boys his own age, but there was nobody really close to my age group except my neighbour who was in my class and I had a crush on her... I was shy, she was pretty, it would never work between us.

Needless to say, my brother always avoided me at all costs... i couldn't have a dog or a cat, because both my father and brother are allergic... I had goldfish... they would end up jumping out of his bowl and my mother would unknowingly step on him one morning... my best friends at school would move to new countries, that's what happened to the girl next door too... I was never able to keep a single friend for more than a few years... they would always leave me... I've never had anyone seriously in my life for very long. Neither of my parents remember when my birthday is... they have to look it up every time. Maybe that gives you a bit of an idea of what they're like...

I have serious abandonment issues... and all I want is for someone to love me, to acknowledge me, to want to be a part of my life for a long time!... I think it's why i started to play music, because i didn't have anything else to do... playing live, the crowds are always different, but its the only time i actually feel like somebody is listening... On stage I can do anything, but off stage I instantly retreat within myself. Once we finish our show, I can hide in the crowd and nobody realizes who I am. I'm so quiet, my own friends don't always realize when I leave, unless I say out loud "I'm leaving."

Fast forward to 2011-2012. By this time, i've had many girlfriends and many heartbreaks... but during the summer of 2011, i meet Kate... she apparently had a crush on me many years before when she first saw me perform and had subsequently suppressed these feelings for years. We have the same friends, and we're at a party... she goes into the other room with 2 other girls and speaks so loudly that I can hear it across the apartment, but it's not deliberate. She says she has had a big crush on me, that she thinks i'm really attractive.. and that she knew me before we met earlier that week. Shy ol'me, what do I do? ... I wait a few more days until my friends tell me that she really likes me to actually make a move... So we dated.

She said she loved me first, her parents adored me, and even her dogs who don't like people, loved me... we would spend weeks together 24/7 and it merely felt like hours...
So we became serious for about 6 months. During that time she had my trust, and she convinced me that her father was verbally abusive, and that she wanted to move out of parents house, that she really needed to leave... So I lent her the money for the first months rent, and damage deposit... i had the means to help her, so i did... during the move, her dresser collapsed... so i got her a new bed set, featuring two night tables, a dresser with 2 mirrors, and a head board... i helped her move, I built her shelves, I negotiated the with the landlord the apartment contract... everything...

I drove her to work every morning so she would be there at 8am. Then I would go to school, go to my job, get to HER apartment, not mine (even though i paid for it) at around 2am only to do it all over again and get yelled at because she wants me to come see her earlier. All our mutual friends would tell me that I was too good for her, that I should look for someone else, because she was using me... that I could do soooo much better than her... So I finally took their advice after a few months...

Finally during the end of the month of november, i said I had enough, i think we should have a break and not see people for a while. So I waited about a week, and asked her on a date. Because i thought she gotten more mature somehow, very quickly... She said she didn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment. The first week of december, she decides to fool around with my friend George, and since then really wants a relationship with him... but what she doesn't know is that he doesn't want any relationship, he picks up everybody's ex, it's what he does... so I keep trying every week or two to ask her back on a date (not knowing george's involvement)... anyway, I don't find out until New Years Eve... she gave me her cell phone on that night to text george, because she was really drunk and she wanted him to come over. Him and I where friends so why not, i'll help... and two texts up i notice what she sent to him...

Immediately I asked her, "are you having sex with George" ... and she said no, and I said "I saw the text! You lied to me!" she only admitted to it after that... I was furious... I couldn't believe she would treat me this way! And to do it in the same bed I bought her. I wanted to believe she was different, that she wasn't as promiscuous as she was thought to be... I wanted to believe that everything she told me, about how she loved me, was the truth... Even her best friends said to me that night that she was scrapping at the bottom of the barrel for George (he's not much of a looker, or so i'm told by girls), that she could never get anyone nearly as great as I was ever again... but to this day that still doesn't make me feel any better. I could have really seen myself getting married with this girl...

January first, new years ring(less then 2 hours after I found out everything), I blocked kate on everything I had except my mobile... because she still owes me money, and as soon as she gives it to me, i'm cutting her out of my life completely... another problem is, i'm still not sure i wouldn't take her back if she asked me to...

I've been single ever since, I just want to be close with someone so badly, to be with someone who is going to stick around for more than a few months, or a year... I need someone that will be there for me face to face... not on TH... the only thing i know right now, is that i'm completely bitter towards women because they all seem to take advantage of me, and men just aren't and never will be something i'm interested in... Girls who aren't even my girlfriend take advantage of me! I'd like to be able to say NO! I'd like to say i'm over Kate, but i don't think its completely true.. I really don't want to be alone anymore...

This is a quote, that I believe applies to my situation... and it is kinda how i look at my past relationships... i'm sorry I didn't anticipate this to be so long...
“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” -Rose Kennedy.

I don't want my friends, or my girlfriends to take advantage of me ever again... I want somebody in my life who will genuinely love me for who I am... who feels the same way I do about them... I really need somebody to fill this hole I've had all my life... I'm always meeting new people everyday, and i'm traveling... nobody sticks around... or it's just a business "friend"... I don't know what to do, but I desperately need someone to just hold my hand... or hug me and never let go... that's what I am looking for... should I take kate back if she'd ask me? ... what should i do? ...

[Choose]

All I have to say is... wow.

Although you are young, it seems like you have been through a lot of hard times and heartbreak. I feel for you dude. I can't even imagine what kind of torment you must be going through mentally. That being said, keep your chin up and remember that not all females are like that. The good ones will see you for what you really are- an awesome dude. It may take more time than normal to get over Kate, and based on what you've said there will always be a part of you that loves her but there is a reason it didn't work out. Using your quote about scars, if she ever came back and you accepted, IMO that'd be like re-opening the wound that you just healed, or is on its way to heal, wouldn't it? You need to find someone that will look at those scars and perhaps even have some of the same ones, that will accept you for who you are and what you bring to the table while not taking advantage of you. It may not be some instantaneous fit, you may not find them for many many years, but I have a feeling that you will only be bitter if you allow everything bad that's happened to consume you. Once you pick yourself back up and gather up all the little pieces and mend them together to get yourself whole again, I think you will be more successful at building relationships. As difficult as it may be, I think you can only love someone once you get yourself all straightened out. It may take weeks or months or years but it can only happen if you allow yourself to love again. I'm sorry if I am rambling or nonsensical because I am just kind of typing out everything that's running through my head, but you should try not to let the bitterness consume you, because if you do come across a person that truly appreciates you, you may wind up turning them away without even realizing it.

I really hope things turn around for you man, and if you ever want to talk about this stuff I am able and willing to do so. I also hope that more people read this, and I am glad you could open yourself up like this to a bunch of strangers. I think it was a genuinely brave thing to do to let all of this kind of spill out. Seems kind of like a leap of faith to me.

[green_gangsta]

Thanks Alex... I tried to keep it as short as possible, but if it was any shorter I don't think anyone would understand ... I just wish i could find somebody around here (in real life) that i could be close to without having to explain at least this part of my life... I think you're right, i won't let Kate back because it will merely re-open the scar... but I would like to find a friend that will stick around for a while... I don't know, the smallest things can really ruin my days now, I had so much patience before Kate... it really wasn't much of a relationship for her because she moved on pretty fast...

Is there any trick to getting over someone you truly loved? ... I tried keeping myself as busy as I could but the smallest things seem to set me off all the time... I don't own anything of hers anymore, but its just ... like If i see a couple holding hands down the street, i'll think of Kate... or if i'm cold at night, i'll just remember one of the nights when Kate and I feel asleep together spooning in bed... or i'll remember the cats we had together... I want to move on, but my feelings for her are holding me back...

[Nicole!]

Getting over someone is tough, and it definitely can take lots of time. Not owning anything of hers is a good step. Cutting off contact and avoiding her if you ever have to see her is another big step.
The main thing is to not rush yourself. Do some hobbies that you enjoy to keep your moral up. Keep yourself busy and as happy as you can. Remember that while there will always be memories, its the actions that make a relationship healthy or not. The fact that she lied to you about her and George shows that she didn't appreciate you and you are better off without her. You deserve someone that will actually treat you right.
My last piece of advice is to not jump into a new relationship until you are completely over her.

[green_gangsta]

Originally Posted by Melody

Getting over someone is tough, and it definitely can take lots of time. Not owning anything of hers is a good step. Cutting off contact and avoiding her if you ever have to see her is another big step.
The main thing is to not rush yourself. Do some hobbies that you enjoy to keep your moral up. Keep yourself busy and as happy as you can. Remember that while there will always be memories, its the actions that make a relationship healthy or not. The fact that she lied to you about her and George shows that she didn't appreciate you and you are better off without her. You deserve someone that will actually treat you right.
My last piece of advice is to not jump into a new relationship until you are completely over her.

A few weeks ago, I thought I was over her... i'm lucky i guess, if i'm sad I can play one of the nocturnes by Chopin, and just completely get lost and pushed over by music... I have many hobbies, lots of jobs, and lots to do ... but its just a pain that's hard to get over, you know? ... but its not just a relationship i'm looking for as much as possible i'd just like someone, a friend, to stick around for a long time... should i, (and how can i) tell the people who i'm currently "friends" with that i believe they're taking advantage of me? they do it by asking me to do things for them that they don't exactly NEED at all... they always ask and i'm a always yes kind of person. so I always do it...
for instance...

getting me to drive in the blizzard alone for half an hour to go get a rockstar energy drink and ice cream sandwiches, AND paying for them, just because the person had a craving for it... while they stayed inside the heated building...
who's a sucka? DIS GUY!

[PSY]

Oh boy! You sound a lot like one of my guy friends who won't (not can't - WON'T) say "no" to any of his friends or girlfriends! Unfortunately, that's led to some serious complications... including, a few months ago, an unplanned pregnancy with his current girlfriend. Why? Because he didn't say "no" when she wanted to have sex. He didn't make her wait until he could find protection. He just gave in to her demands, and now they're both paying the consequences for his unwillingness to stand up for himself.

I'm sure that it's incredibly hard to imagine yourself saying "no" to your friends. You may be worrying about how they would react - would they take you seriously, laugh it off, and repeat their demands? Would they become angry and not want to hang out with you anymore? You may be wondering if you even have the strength to put your foot down and say "no." Well, you DO! It's not going to be easy at first, though.

Instead of flat-out saying "no," I would start to get into the habit of vocalizing your needs - both to your friends and to yourself. For example, if you anticipate that your friends will ask you to run errands in a snowstorm again, you can say to yourself, "I am not going to do that. It's dangerous, and I have better things to do with my time. There is no reason why they cannot do it themselves. They won't suffer if they don't get their food/drink. I, on the other hand, WILL suffer as a result of my actions." Then, when they ask, you can say one of the following:

1. "No." (The shortest answer, but also the hardest one to say!)
2. "I can't." (Easier, but they may start asking, "Why not?")
3. Something more specific, where you state why you can't or WON'T do it. For example:
"I can't, because I have other things to do. Sorry, but you have a car and money - why don't you just go instead?"
"I won't do something that you could do yourselves."
"I don't want to - sorry, but you'll need to figure out some other way to get your food/drink."

It's going to take practice, but it WILL get easier - if you are resolute and stick to your plan to say "no." Every time you give in to their demands, it'll be like taking several steps backwards. They'll think they can get you to say "yes" the next time as well. If you say "no" every time, though, they'll eventually stop expecting you to do things for them, and they'll stop pestering you as a result. =)

[Smitten]

Mister Green,

Your post is all too familiar - I empathize greatly.
Do not take her back, it would be a grave error - she has set the precedent for what she thinks comprises a relationship with you - alot of you giving and alot of her taking, then pissing on you when she has taken all she can.

Personally, I believe you did the right thing in cutting her completely out. I would also cut out your "friend" - For no true friend would ever commit such a betrayal to one they gave a damn about and neither he, nor she deserve a single tear shed.

"I want somebody in my life who will genuinely love me for who I am... who feels the same way I do about them... I really need somebody to fill this hole I've had all my life..."

That really hits home. I don't think you know how much I can relate to that statement.

In terms of women... I think there are many worth f#%king, some worth sharing love with, but only a few really worth sharing your soul with.