Triggering: who was more at fault? Am I really just as wrong as he was?

[foreveryoung18]

Well I feel like it went south after we had sex maybe I should not have tried to get him back. I just really had and even now have feelings for him. I thought that we would easily be perfect. I guess I should have gotten it and understood what he wanted. Well he'd always date me and then just be done really fast. I wanted us to be closer in all ways possible. I was willing to spend my life with him. It didn't matter to me what others thought it didn't matter anyone but the two of us. I'm in high school I thought keeping it a secret was best for us socially. My friends wouldn't understand. I'm really popular and he's a social misfit really plus everyone seemed to think he was gay. Even though I never really bought into that belief. My family wouldn't accept him. They are religious and a pretty wholesome family. While he seemed gay his parents were drug addicts and his mom was a prostitute. I thought he wasn't like his parents I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And he proved he was just like them it seems. Well Last weekend we had sex and it was both of our first times well that's what he said later on I found out he was actually sexually abused. Which how can one be a virgin and have been sexually abused another lie of his. Well I took plan B last Tuesday. And I was supposed to get my period last Monday. I didn't still haven't. I thought maybe I was pregnant this weekend I was scared about it. During the week he had not talked to me he faulted me said I was using him for sex. That's not what I meant I thought sex would make us closer and didn't know why he denied me so much. Well eventually I guess that's how he felt I made him give in and blamed me for everything. Eventually we decided to try to take it slowly... I told him yesterday after I had a pt that I was pregnant. I had a very slight positive. He denied it saying it didn't look positive and that if I was pregnant that I should get an abortion or he'd never want to see me again. Well the next day we met up where we talked a bit which turned into an argument. He ended up hitting me kicking me and overall beating me up badly. I couldn't believe it. I reported him for assault. And I found out that he charged me for stat rape since he's 16 and I'm 18. I got out on bail. I saw a dr. and I'm fine but no detection of pregnancy even though I'm 8 days going on 9 days late for my period. I'm either pregnant or lost it I really feel like that's the only possibility. Anyway I feel like maybe I did do him wrong sexually by pushing him to have sex with me but I feel like he only did it because I got pregnant. Also I didn't even know the actual laws I thought the age of consent was 16 many places it is. Maybe that's my fault too I still can't believe he did this I just never expected this in my life....

[Aletheia*]

Honest, your both in the wrong. This relationship wasn't a one person relationship, it was a two person relationship and you are BOTH to be blamed for what happened. I'm going to break it down in parts for you, and comment on each.

Well Last weekend we had sex and it was both of our first times well that's what he said later on I found out he was actually sexually abused. Which how can one be a virgin and have been sexually abused another lie of his.

This is kind of selfish on your part. Someone who is sexually abused and doesn't open up about it doesn't mean they're a liar. It just means they aren't comfortable with talking about something that happened in their past. Being sexually abused is a HIGHLY traumatic experience for ANYONE to go through, and his lack of opening up about it doesn't mean that he lied to you or is deemed a non-virgin. He was raped, was forced to have sex against his will. Was his virginity taken? Sure, but not in the way it should have been. Others who have also been sexually abused never say their virginity was taken.

Well I took plan B last Tuesday. And I was supposed to get my period last Monday. I didn't still haven't. I thought maybe I was pregnant this weekend I was scared about it.

You did the right thing by taking Plan B, however, if you just had sex last weekend, you wouldn't be pregnant. It takes 2 WEEKS (14 days) for conception to take place, and even after those two weeks, your body wouldn't even realize it was pregnant. I highly doubt you're pregnant. Plan B can seriously altar your cycle, and since you've taken it so close to when your period was meant to begin, this is probably why it hasn't come yet along with other reasons like stress, changes in diet and exercise regimes.

That's not what I meant I thought sex would make us closer and didn't know why he denied me so much.

Sex sometimes doesn't make people closer together. It can really push a lot of people apart. Obviously, you didn't use him but this was his way of thinking and you should have made it clear to him that using him wasn't your intentions by engaging in sex.

He ended up hitting me kicking me and overall beating me up badly. I couldn't believe it. I reported him for assault. And I found out that he charged me for stat rape since he's 16 and I'm 18. I got out on bail. I saw a dr. and I'm fine but no detection of pregnancy even though I'm 8 days going on 9 days late for my period. I'm either pregnant or lost it I really feel like that's the only possibility. Anyway I feel like maybe I did do him wrong sexually by pushing him to have sex with me but I feel like he only did it because I got pregnant. Also I didn't even know the actual laws I thought the age of consent was 16 many places it is. Maybe that's my fault too I still can't believe he did this I just never expected this in my life....

You did the right thing by reporting him to the police, but he also did the right thing for reporting YOU to police. He shouldn't have physically hurt you at all, but he had every right to accuse you of statutory rape. Depending on what state you live in, the age of consent is actually 17 (Seventeen), not 16. You can find detailed Age of Consent laws by state and country here: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f6-se...n-age-consent/
Now, you need to stop saying you're pregnant because you aren't. As I mentioned above, you only just had sex about a week ago (or if you mean this past weekend, a few days ago). Pregnancy doesn't JUST happen. I mean, sure, it only takes one time for you to get pregnant, but it doesn't happen the second after you've finished. In another week (or two) and if your period still hasn't arrived yet, you can take another pregnancy test and get an accurate result. If you've received a positive result on a test you've recently taken, it's likely a false positive since your body wouldn't even know it was pregnant yet. Follow the directions on the test, and it's best taken in the morning when the hCG hormone is highest and most potent. This means when you first urinate in the morning after waking up.

Once you've established that your pregnant, then you decide where to go from there. If you lost the baby, you'd know. There would be lot's of blood and since you haven't had any bleeding of ANY kind, it's likely that you were never "pregnant" to begin with.

Take care.

[PSY]

Hey there!

Shannon has given you a lot of facts regarding "plan B," delayed periods, pregnancy, and pregnancy tests, and I hope that information was helpful for you.

I'm basically going to repeat what she said regarding the other issues, but I want to emphasize that it's not always helpful to play the "blame game." People naturally want to be able to pick out a "victim" and "perpetrator," but in these kinds of situations, that isn't always possible to do. Rather than saying, "you're both to blame," I want to say, "you both made mistakes, but that doesn't make you bad people."

People define "virginity" in a number of different ways. If you believe that losing one's "virginity" is merely defined by the physical act of having sex - then yes, this boy you're describing lost his "virginity" when he was raped. Many people would argue that, because the sex wasn't consensual, it doesn't count. Personally, I agree with that point of view. This is a completely separate discussion that could be continued in TeenHelp's Debate forum, but basically, I'm trying to present these differing points of view (and believe me, there are MANY more!) in order to reinforce the idea that no one is entirely to blame. There are always at LEAST two sides to every story. That doesn't make one side right and one side wrong. Sometimes, both sides have valid points, and sometimes, both sides miss a crucial part of the story. I can understand why you felt betrayed by his not telling you about the rape (after all, what if he had contracted a sexually transmitted disease?), but I can also understand why he didn't want to share something so painful with a person he didn't feel emotionally connected to.

As you have discovered, "love" and "sex" can go together, but they don't ALWAYS go together. Just because two people are in love doesn't mean they'll necessarily have sex, and just because two people are having sex doesn't mean they'll necessarily fall in love. It sounds like you both wanted different things from each other, and that's not a bad thing. What is "bad" is not acknowledging what the other person in a relationship may want, and discussing any issues/differences that may arise. Neither of you communicated your desires with each other, so it's hard to place the blame on either one of you. Basically, you both made a mistake, and unfortunately, you are now both paying the consequences for the lack of communication.

Was it wrong for him to hit you? Absolutely! Did he have a right to file charges against you for statutory rape? Absolutely! Was this the best way to handle the situation? Of course not, and I'm sorry that these events played out in the way that they did. This is where I'm going to disagree with Shannon. I'm a stickler for the "rules," and while I don't disagree with the policies regarding statutory rape, I do disagree with the way this particular situation was handled. In my opinion, the physical abuse you suffered trumps the statutory rape, because even if the LAW doesn't recognize it as a consensual act, YOU and this BOY believe it was a consensual act at the time. You can never consent to physical abuse, though.

I wish you all the best. Overall, this is my message to you:

1. Attributing blame isn't the answer. Rather than seeing each other as "in the wrong," try to see yourself as someone who made mistakes, and this boy as someone who made mistakes. Neither of you are inherently "bad" for making those mistakes, though, and neither of you are "victim" or "perpetrator" in this situation.

2. Learn from those mistakes. Lessons are often learned the hard way, unfortunately, but fortunately, it seems like you possess the maturity to comprehend everything that has happened and to avoid similar situations in the future. The same may not be true for this boy, and that is truly sad.

3. This boy let you down, but not everyone will. Turn to your family members and friends during this difficult time. Whether it's dealing with criminal charges of statutory rape or an unwanted pregnancy (and hopefully, you won't have to deal with either of those!) or a broken heart, remember that you NEVER have to fight your battles alone. You do not need to use a romantic relationship to fill a void in your life, because your life is already full of people who love you as a daughter and as a friend.

[foreveryoung18]

well apparently he was a virgin and I think maybe it was insensitive of me to think otherwise...

it's actually been 2 weeks not last friday/saturday. I didn't ask about the pregnancy.

It made me feel closer to him. It meant a lot to me... I thought the age of consent was 16 in california it's 18. I guess he didn't like me like I liked him... But we're better now that I told him that I wasn't pregnant....

Originally Posted by PSY

Hey there!

Shannon has given you a lot of facts regarding "plan B," delayed periods, pregnancy, and pregnancy tests, and I hope that information was helpful for you.

I'm basically going to repeat what she said regarding the other issues, but I want to emphasize that it's not always helpful to play the "blame game." People naturally want to be able to pick out a "victim" and "perpetrator," but in these kinds of situations, that isn't always possible to do. Rather than saying, "you're both to blame," I want to say, "you both made mistakes, but that doesn't make you bad people."

People define "virginity" in a number of different ways. If you believe that losing one's "virginity" is merely defined by the physical act of having sex - then yes, this boy you're describing lost his "virginity" when he was raped. Many people would argue that, because the sex wasn't consensual, it doesn't count. Personally, I agree with that point of view. This is a completely separate discussion that could be continued in TeenHelp's Debate forum, but basically, I'm trying to present these differing points of view (and believe me, there are MANY more!) in order to reinforce the idea that no one is entirely to blame. There are always at LEAST two sides to every story. That doesn't make one side right and one side wrong. Sometimes, both sides have valid points, and sometimes, both sides miss a crucial part of the story. I can understand why you felt betrayed by his not telling you about the rape (after all, what if he had contracted a sexually transmitted disease?), but I can also understand why he didn't want to share something so painful with a person he didn't feel emotionally connected to.

As you have discovered, "love" and "sex" can go together, but they don't ALWAYS go together. Just because two people are in love doesn't mean they'll necessarily have sex, and just because two people are having sex doesn't mean they'll necessarily fall in love. It sounds like you both wanted different things from each other, and that's not a bad thing. What is "bad" is not acknowledging what the other person in a relationship may want, and discussing any issues/differences that may arise. Neither of you communicated your desires with each other, so it's hard to place the blame on either one of you. Basically, you both made a mistake, and unfortunately, you are now both paying the consequences for the lack of communication.

Was it wrong for him to hit you? Absolutely! Did he have a right to file charges against you for statutory rape? Absolutely! Was this the best way to handle the situation? Of course not, and I'm sorry that these events played out in the way that they did. This is where I'm going to disagree with Shannon. I'm a stickler for the "rules," and while I don't disagree with the policies regarding statutory rape, I do disagree with the way this particular situation was handled. In my opinion, the physical abuse you suffered trumps the statutory rape, because even if the LAW doesn't recognize it as a consensual act, YOU and this BOY believe it was a consensual act at the time. You can never consent to physical abuse, though.

I wish you all the best. Overall, this is my message to you:

1. Attributing blame isn't the answer. Rather than seeing each other as "in the wrong," try to see yourself as someone who made mistakes, and this boy as someone who made mistakes. Neither of you are inherently "bad" for making those mistakes, though, and neither of you are "victim" or "perpetrator" in this situation.

2. Learn from those mistakes. Lessons are often learned the hard way, unfortunately, but fortunately, it seems like you possess the maturity to comprehend everything that has happened and to avoid similar situations in the future. The same may not be true for this boy, and that is truly sad.

3. This boy let you down, but not everyone will. Turn to your family members and friends during this difficult time. Whether it's dealing with criminal charges of statutory rape or an unwanted pregnancy (and hopefully, you won't have to deal with either of those!) or a broken heart, remember that you NEVER have to fight your battles alone. You do not need to use a romantic relationship to fill a void in your life, because your life is already full of people who love you as a daughter and as a friend.

Even when I try to see it his side though I think that why couldn't he just be honest? I was honest with with everything. I mean if he felt I did him wrong that I seemed to treat our relationship badly why couldn't he say that. I put all my faith and trust in honesty in our relationship and he never told me that I was wasting my time. Things have gotten better between us hopefully legal issues still linger and in the meanwhile I don't know what to do it seems... I can't help but feel like the victim as bad as that sounds it's how I feel.

[PSY]

Originally Posted by foreveryoung18

Even when I try to see it his side though I think that why couldn't he just be honest? I was honest with with everything. I mean if he felt I did him wrong that I seemed to treat our relationship badly why couldn't he say that. I put all my faith and trust in honesty in our relationship and he never told me that I was wasting my time. Things have gotten better between us hopefully legal issues still linger and in the meanwhile I don't know what to do it seems... I can't help but feel like the victim as bad as that sounds it's how I feel.

It sounds like he's dealt with quite a few problems over the span of his short lifetime... parents with drug addictions, a mother who participates in prostitution, and, perhaps most importantly, sexual abuse. With all of that going on, I'm not surprised that he had difficulties being honest with you, and that he reacted in the way that he did. How easy would it be for you to trust someone if the people who were supposed to take care of you - your own parents - proved to be untrustworthy? I know it's easy to say, "I'm the one who was hurt, so I'm the victim," but in different ways, you're BOTH victims. You may not be able to fully understand why he did what he did, but certainly you can empathize with what he's gone through prior to meeting you (and what he may still be enduring to this day). What's done is done, and the best advice I can offer you is to learn from this experience, and to make the best of your current situation. Blaming him, or blaming yourself, won't result in anything positive.