Argh I'm really paranoid and I don't know what to doooo

[paranoidandroid]

When I find someone I truly respect and value in my life, someone I love, I become really, reaaaally paranoid.

I was with my boyfriend for 9 months before I broke it off because he was unaffectionate and closed off and I didn't feel loved. After we had broken up we spend months just talking it over and being open and I began to realise just how much I mean to him and how much he really does love me.

Now we're back together and he's so wonderful, he's the perfect boyfriend.
I am concerned though because I am so insecure that it makes me very over analytic, very over sensitive and horrendously paranoid. I find myself stressing and obsessing over even the smallest gestures that he misses. I freak out in my head constantly because of tiny things like him telling me he wants to go and read for a while. I try not to vent these concerns too much as I know he needs his own space (he knows I am very paranoid and insecure and he tries to accommodate this) as I feel I will frustrate and confuse him and this will only make me more paranoid in future.

He expresses so much love for me, and I know he's not about to break up with me any time soon- but I can't bear the emotional exhaustion any longer. I'm never going to meet anyone that makes me feel more secure than he does- I trust him with my life.
Is there anything I can do, any drugs I can take, any theory that explains why I am so overly paranoid? I would really appreciate help! Thank you

[PSY]

Originally Posted by paranoidandroid

I'm never going to meet anyone that makes me feel more secure than he does- I trust him with my life.

That, in my opinion, is one of your biggest problems. It seems like you're putting all your eggs in one basket - either this guy has become your "everything," or you're trying to convince yourself that he's your "everything." Whatever the case may be, it's not a healthy mindset to have. No one, and I mean NO ONE, is going to be there for you 24/7. EVERYONE will let you down at some point. It doesn't matter how much they love you or how considerate they are... no one is perfect, and everyone will disappoint you at some point. It seems like you're clinging to him, expecting him to be the magic cure, to be the constant source of love. Unfortunately, that's just not realistic. He's human and he has flaws, just like you do.

There are a couple of suggestions I give to people who are experiencing paranoia and/or jealousy in their relationships. One, spend a LITTLE bit of time analyzing your relationship... without any of the "love filters" on. Has he said or done anything to make this paranoia justifiable? If it's justified, then guess what? It's not paranoia!

Two, if you still feel the paranoia isn't justifiable, closely examine your life and find areas that have been neglected. I'm sure you've put a lot of time and effort into your relationship, but what about your other relationships with family members and friends? What about activities like school, work, and clubs/organizations? It's important to have a life outside of the relationship, separate from your boyfriend. This will give you a stronger sense of identity and greater self-esteem. It will give you license to live your own life, which is what your boyfriend is already able to do.

Finally, accept that there may always be some paranoia... but also accept that you ARE in control of that paranoia. While you may not be able to eliminate the feelings, you ARE in control of how you react to those feelings. You can choose to use rational thinking, to rip yourself away from the circular train of thought. If you lack the ability to use rational thinking to combat your paranoia, it might not be a bad idea to see a psychological professional and engage in cognitive therapy, which teaches individuals how to deal with maladaptive thoughts. You don't need drugs to combat the paranoia - rather, you need to learn healthy ways to cope with the feelings of paranoia.

[paranoidandroid]

Thank you, I do agree with you. I know that I need to reaffirm time and effort into other things such as my college work and extra curricular activites as I tend to neglect them, but I find it incredibly hard to concentrate and focus on anything else. That's why I am beginning to get so frustrated because I have spent time analysing the situation and my paranoia is unjustified.

I know he isn't perfect, he does have his own issues such as being emotionally closed off, but when we got back together we promised to work on these (mine was paranoia). These months he has given me everything he previously neglected which made me paranoid- public affection, he has been open and enthusiastic etc. I just can't seem to shake this paranoia. I barely act on it as I don't want to exacerbate the situation and frustrate and confuse him, but I can't deny that I feel alarmed by the smallest of missed gestures (as in, lack of a hug, my mind just freaks out for hours and all I think about is why, and how to make it better). I try and focus on other things that I enjoy. But I am pointlessly and hopelessly obsessed over tiny details which I know have no realistic bearingon his feelings... Hmmm I'm worried I'm going to destroy the relatioship with my unjustified paranoia.

It's almost like I have an subconscious psychological need to seek out the smallest details to be paranoid over.

But thank you for the advice

[PSY]

You're welcome. =) Unfortunately, you're right - if you can't find a way to handle this paranoia, you'll eventually destroy your relationship.

Out of curiosity, have you been in any other serious relationships in the past? If so, did you experience the same feelings of paranoia with your previous partners? I'm wondering if this paranoia is stemming from your previous insecurities with your current boyfriend, or if you have always struggled with paranoia in romantic relationships (or if this is even something you struggle with in multiple aspects of your life).