Is This "Cheating"...

[Shawn K.]

Now I already admit this sounds like some kid sh*t, but i've come to respect the people who respond on here and know you won't put me down if this is stupid.

I like a girl, a whole lot. I've gone as far as saying I'm in love with her (not to her though). We've known each other since middle school, she's a year ahead of me. She knows I like her, and I know she likes me. We've been on a few "dates"... just movies with other kids, the mall, one or two parties. End of last school year she broke up with her then boyfriend because he lied to friends and said he got in her pants. About a month ago, she gave me her number and told me to call her so we could go out. Soon after, I got grounded and couldn't do it. She has invited me to her sweet 16 party coming up, and i'm her escort.

Last Saturday, two girls came over to hang out and swim with me and my brother. My Dad wasn't home. One of those girls and I have had a "friends with benefits" relationship for years. Everytime we see each other (she moved a couple cities away, but is the cousin of the girl my brother likes) we make out. Saturday we made out in the pool house. No sex. I did finally get to try out dry humping. She got off and so did I.

My brother was pissed because I left him alone with the girl he likes (long story). He told me I was wrong, both for leaving him hanging, and for "cheating" on the girl I like. When I told him that we are not official boyfriend and girlfriend so I can't be cheating on her, he said I was "cheating in my heart." I figured he was just bringing up some kiddie sh*t to make me feel bad for leaving him alone. But we didn't have school today, and I've heard from two people that my brother's girl told a couple of her friends, and they all said I was an asshole for "cheating" on the girl I like. Now I keep thinking about this and feeling guilty like I did something wrong.

Is this cheating? Am I an asshole for making out with another girl? I honestly don't see it, but they got me thinking about it now.

[EDIT] Are girls likely to go tell the girl I like, to like protect her or stick up for her or something?

Opinions?

[Composure]

Look, there are always different degrees of cheating. Because you are quite young, the maturity of some people changes their perception of "cheating", as opposed to when they're older and actually have a grasp on the entire concept. So, for this purpose, I'll speak on behalf of two age groups, yours and mine.

For your age group, cheating is what people make it. You have confessed your infatuation to a girl, and then fooled around with another girl. It does look bad on your part. To the people around you, this might be considered cheating. Some may understand that there was no exclusivity in the relationship between you and girl A, but a lot will take the confession as a sign of wanting to be exclusive; if you don't live up to that exclusivity (as implied by your confession), it is considered cheating. Personally, the only reason it is considered cheating is because of people's perceptions of your confession, which are usually derived from immaturity.

As people mature, especially in my age group, I've found that the perceptions are reversed. To a lot of around me, a confession of infatuation is not a sign of a desire to be exclusive; people now take those sorts of admissions on face value, without trying to read between the lines. Therefore, you haven't cheated because there's no exclusive relationship there. Forget the "cheating in your heart" part, that's bullshit.

Finally, cheating is what you make it. Should you feel guilty? No. Should she feel hurt? Possibly. Will she be hurt? That's up to how mature she is.

Also, those girls will most likely tell more people, who will eventually get back to Girl A. That's just how life is. However, we can't predict whether or not it will come back to her. If you can stop it from getting that far, do so. Now.

[Shawn K.]

Hey thanks a lot for your thoughts. My brother read your post and said I'm felling guilty because I know I did wrong.

I'm not sure, but I definitely don't want to hurt her. How am supposed to stop this from getting back to her. Tell her myself ?

And then there's the obvious question... at least obvious to me. She is not going to do anything near what this other girl did with me, not anytime soon. How's a guy supposed to deal with that? (Yeah, I got chokin it covered)

[Aletheia*]

To me, it's not cheating. Why? You aren't officially dating the girl you like, so there is no reason to feel like you've "cheated" on her. Your brother sounds like he's just putting you on a guilt trip because you left him with the girl he liked to make out with this other girl. You aren't exclusive with their of them, meaning you could do whatever you wish with whom ever you wish. That's the point of being "friends with benefits". You aren't tied down to anyone (Not saying being tied down is a bad thing, obviously), so you're free to hook up with who ever you'd like to hook up with.

Now, as to your first question:

Are girls likely to go tell the girl I like, to like protect her or stick up for her or something

They may tell her, but she has no right to be upset since you two aren't exclusive. Sure, it might hurt but she can't STOP you from hooking up with your FWB. If you were exclusive with this girl, then yeah, it'd be considered cheating and she would have every right to be upset. However, in this case, she doesn't have the right to say anything.

And, to your next question:

She is not going to do anything near what this other girl did with me, not anytime soon. How's a guy supposed to deal with that?

If you truly like this girl, then you'd be willing to wait until she's ready. Once your exclusive with someone, you don't go around hooking up with other girls because then it DOES look back on your part, and is considered cheating. If you really like her, she's worth the wait until she's ready to take the next step.

[Composure]

Yeah, if you feel guilty, then I'd tell her myself. You did nothing wrong, personally, but there's a huge shade of grey here. It's probably best she doesn't hear it from anyone else; and at least, if you tell her, you and her have a chance to talk about it before too much anger and angst comes between you.

A guy can deal with that. Not entirely sure what you mean by "I choking it covered".

[Shawn K.]

Originally Posted by Composure

Yeah, if you feel guilty, then I'd tell her myself. You did nothing wrong, personally, but there's a huge shade of grey here. It's probably best she doesn't hear it from anyone else; and at least, if you tell her, you and her have a chance to talk about it before too much anger and angst comes between you.

A guy can deal with that. Not entirely sure what you mean by "I choking it covered".

I got no choice really. I messed up. Thanks for the reply. Really, I appreciate it.

Chokin was a crude joke...sorry.

Originally Posted by Zelophobia

To me, it's not cheating. Why? You aren't officially dating the girl you like, so there is no reason to feel like you've "cheated" on her. Your brother sounds like he's just putting you on a guilt trip because you left him with the girl he liked to make out with this other girl. You aren't exclusive with their of them, meaning you could do whatever you wish with whom ever you wish. That's the point of being "friends with benefits". You aren't tied down to anyone (Not saying being tied down is a bad thing, obviously), so you're free to hook up with who ever you'd like to hook up with.

Now, as to your first question:

They may tell her, but she has no right to be upset since you two aren't exclusive. Sure, it might hurt but she can't STOP you from hooking up with your FWB. If you were exclusive with this girl, then yeah, it'd be considered cheating and she would have every right to be upset. However, in this case, she doesn't have the right to say anything.

And, to your next question:

If you truly like this girl, then you'd be willing to wait until she's ready. Once your exclusive with someone, you don't go around hooking up with other girls because then it DOES look back on your part, and is considered cheating. If you really like her, she's worth the wait until she's ready to take the next step.

Trouble is, I already think about her like that, so I"m an asshole really. And I know this sh^t was wrong. And now she could be hurt because of me too. Cheating in my heart, or my heart know's I cheated, either way I know I f**ked up. F**K... I already feel that way about her.

Thanks. You guys can close this thread.

[Aletheia*]

Originally Posted by Shawn K.

Trouble is, I already think about her like that, so I"m an asshole really. And I know this sh^t was wrong. And now she could be hurt because of me too. Cheating in my heart, or my heart know's I cheated, either way I know I f**ked up. F**K... I already feel that way about her.

Thanks. You guys can close this thread.

YOU may feel that way about her, but SHE might not feel that way about you. Until you make it official (like the two of YOU talk about becoming OFFICIAL) it isn't cheating.

[Shawn K.]

Originally Posted by Zelophobia

YOU may feel that way about her, but SHE might not feel that way about you. Until you make it official (like the two of YOU talk about becoming OFFICIAL) it isn't cheating.

I gotta apologize to this girl and ask her to be my girlfirend, bottom line. I'm real stupid if I don't.

I'm sorry guys... I'm just a little twisted in my thoughts about all of this.

Taking in what you're saying, and understanding how I really felt, this was cheating because I feel like it's cheating. And if it wasn't really cheating, I still feel like it was wrong. It's not as much about betraying her feelings or expectations, it's that I betrayed my own. I need to let her know that I know I'm stupid and hope she'll still have me.

I deeply appreciate you guys really.

[PSY]

Hey, Shawn! I get what you're saying - and I applaud you for possessing the self-awareness to recognize the real "problem" with this situation. It's not so much an issue of whether or not SHE thinks you cheated... it's an issue of whether or not YOU think you cheated. From an outsider's point-of-view, we'd most likely say you didn't cheat, and she has no right to accuse you of cheating, because you two weren't "official." The bottom-line, though, is that your morals are your own, and when it comes to potentially ambiguous situations like this, it really boils down to what YOU think is/was cheating. If you feel guilt regarding all of this, after hearing arguments about why it was and wasn't cheating, then I'd say your decision was based off of what you feel in your heart... and that's the best way to go in situations like this. =) I wish you all the best, and hope things work out with this girl you like! If they don't... well, take it as a lesson learned. We've all made mistakes, so don't beat yourself up *too* badly!

Since you said you wanted this thread closed, I'm going to go ahead and close it; however, if you change your mind, feel free to create a new one, or PM myself or Melody if you would like to have this thread re-opened.