Money in relationships?

[yeahbro]

Hi guys,

My boyfriend informed me yesterday that he will not engage nor marry me until I have a job myself (I am currently studying at University). He thinks that I will take half of his money in the event we split up.

Does this mean he does not care about me? Lacking in trust? If you are in a De Facto relationship in Australia do you have grounds to split half of the assets at separation anyway?

Thanks,

m.b

[Nicole!]

I think you do have to share half of your money in a divorce. However you could look into getting a prenup (prenuptial agreement). This helps secure your money in case something like that should ever happen.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that he doesn't care about it, but it does sound like he doesn't fully trust you. Its understandable that he is worried about money, but you should talk to him and let him know that he can trust you and you love him for him, not for his money.

[PSY]

There's definitely a lack of trust. Studies have shown that the most common problem in relationships - regardless of what stage you're in - is money. It's hard for people to go from a "my money" mindset to an "our money" mindset. Money gives us a sense of security, and when we worry about our partner's spending habits or the possibility of divorce, we tend to do things that allow us to protect ourselves financially. Unfortunately, that lack of trust could ultimately cause the relationship to end. I'm not saying that you two have to combine your finances, or that you both have to work... but you should both be on the same page, and the trust definitely needs to be there.

I would discuss your concerns with your boyfriend. What is it that he doesn't trust about you? In my opinion, a pre-nuptial agreement wouldn't really solve the underlying problem. He may be able to protect "his money," but what about "our house," "our furniture," etc.? Like it or not, you two WILL be sharing certain assets, so you both need to reach a point where you can fully trust each other. Otherwise, there's no point in getting married. Also, while I don't think it's unreasonable for him to ask you to get a job, I'm concerned about his motives behind such a request. Is it because he wants you both to contribute to the marriage, or because he wants to keep "his money" safe by making you earn "your money"? Again, while it's not necessary to combine your finances, it's important to recognize that you're both in this (aka the marriage) together. If you are unemployed, he'll need to support you, and vice versa. He can't expect you to move in with a family member or live on the streets if you don't do "your share" of the work financially!

[Aletheia*]

While I would see it as a lack of trust, I don't think those were his intentions. I'm sure his concern is more about making ends meet for you and your future family rather the fact that you might divorce and end up with half. Once you become married, you two share everything whether he likes it or not, but as Nicole said, you could look into getting a prenuptial agreement to make sure that neither of you end up with what isn't "rightfully" yours.

It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care, either. My boyfriend and I wouldn't make plans to marry or become engaged without us having steady jobs either. He works full-time currently while I'm still waiting to hear back from a new employer. Being financially stable is one of the things MANY couples want to be before they take the next big step. I'm sure he loves you, he is just wanting to ensure you both can financially take care of yourselves before anything happens between the two of you.

[Megan1]

That's lack of trust. He shouldn't marry you in the first place if he thinks you could possibly get divorced. I understand him wanting you to finish school and have a job first just so you can help support a family when you're married, but his reasoning about you taking his money if you split up is ridiculous. If he thinks that could happen, why is he even marrying you to start with?

[JKmadu619]

Megan1: You do realize 50% of relationships end in divorce, right? He being a realist.

As others have said, a prenuptial agreement is wise.

- Justin