Need some help with perspective...

[Don Michna]

Hey guys, I'm new here and I need some help on something.

To give you some background, my girlfriend and I have been dating for 15 months. I am a Junior, 16 years old, and she is a senior, 17 years old. Before we started dating, we were pretty close and we were fairly good friends. We have taken things in our relationship at a pretty steady pace. We talk about everything from our problems, our hopes, our dreams, our thoughts, and even our physical relationship. For example, if she or I needed more time to be comfortable with a certain thing, we would talk about it.

All in all, we love what we have. It's a very caring relationship, and we have so much fun together. We've both been through a lot, and recently she shared something with me about her past boyfriend.

We were on the topic of past relationships, and she told me that her past boyfriend pressured her into having sex. She said that he told her he was trying to find a deeper connection with her, but afterwards, the relationship got worse, he hit her on a few different occasions, and ultimately she broke up with him after giving him a few chances. I had already known all of this, minus the sex part.

I don't mind that she isn't a virgin, I'm okay with that. I still feel the same about her, and I would never judge her for something like that. The relationship she had been in with him had been good for awhile, but it started to deteriorate when he started doing drugs.

Anyway, the reason I need help is because I feel kind of weird. Like I said, I'm not upset that she had sex and I'm okay with it, but my mind for some reason isn't "digesting" this. I have never been a person of huge confidence. But I don't know why I feel weird about this. I am a virgin, and her and I both agreed early on in our relationship to wait to have sex. Not necessarily for marriage, but at least until we are older. I guess in some ways, I wanted to be her first for some things. Not necessarily sex, but for some physical things. If you understand what I'm trying to say.

But I still don't really understand why I feel weird about it. Will it just take time? Is my mind in the wrong place? Would it be a bad idea to bring it up to her, since she did not enjoy the experience?

Anyone who can just talk me through some thoughts would really help out.

[Koharuchan]

It's probably just taking you a little time because you've been together for 15 months and you didn't know she'd had sex with her ex. You're probably still getting over the shock/surprise that she didn't tell you sooner.

Also, you say you've never been a person of huge confidence. Part of what you're feeling may be insecurity; you're a virgin and she isn't, so she's more experienced. It doesn't matter that you're a virgin. This girl has been with you for 15 months, so obviously her feelings for you are very strong and she loves you for who you are.

It's perfectly normal for you to feel a bit weird about it after getting that news. Just give it a bit of time to sink in, as you said, you don't mind that she isn't a virgin. If it's really bothering you, talk to her about it. Communication in a relationship is very important.

[Don Michna]

Thank you, that pretty much reinforces my current train of thought.

I think a lot of it is shock, because I never even suspected it. I remember once she told me that she said from the beginning of their relationship that she wouldn't have sex with him. So when she told me this, it surprised me.

However, I want to make sure this doesn't turn into something more than it is. Early on in our relationship, I struggled with jealousy. I told her about this, and we talked it through. Because of that, we both communicate much better in terms of our relationship and how others can effect it. But I want to make sure that this doesn't turn into jealousy. Like, she told me about it honestly, and it only happened once. It's not a huge deal.

I've done a lot of maturing and "growing up" in the past year, and she has definitely played a role in that. So my other question is, what are "healthy" ways to approach the confused/weird feelings I have towards this? I don't want this to turn into jealousy, because it's not something to be jealous about, ya know? Basically, I just want to have self control about this. I believe I have it right now, but yeah...

[Koharuchan]

Just talk to her, and tell her how you're feeling. Make sure she understands that you aren't mad, you were just taken by surprise. Tell her any concerns you may have and talk about how you can overcome those concerns. As I said before, communication is very important.

Also, to reassure yourself, think about this. You're afraid this will turn into jealousy. Well, remember not only that she has been by your side and with you for 15 months, but also that her ex pressured her into having sex when she didn't really feel ready. It sounds to me like she didn't really want to have sex, but she caved to that pressure, pressure that you are not putting on her.

You seem like a great guy, you're loyal to your girlfriend and you want to make sure nothing happens. Not only that, but not many teen couples would go 15 months without sex. You seem like a very caring and loyal person, and you shouldn't worry about feeling a little bit of jealousy, as long as you don't allow that jealousy to take over. Everyone feels a little jealousy sometimes, we're only human. Trust in yourself, and know that she's with you because she loves you.

[Don Michna]

Thank you so much for your replies. It's really helped me clear my thoughts, and feel good about where my head is at. I'm going to give it a few days, and see where my mind goes. As you said, it might just be some shock/surprise. If I still feel uncertain and weird, I'm going to talk to her about it and tell her the place my feelings are at.

Anyway, thank you. I don't know the website's policy on closing/locking of topics, but I'd like to keep this open for now. Just in case anyone replies, or if I need anymore help.