if he cares... then why is he doing this....

[kitkat kati]

my ex and i went out for just over a month.... he was tired of trying to make plans with me and something always getting in the way. we argued and i wanted to try to keep the relationship... but he was too stubborn and basically forced me to agree with him on staying as friends....... this was towards the beginning of october... its now february and i still love him more than anything.... it hurt so much to stay as friends with him.... but now it hurts even more...

i was really depressed one night... i hid it as best i could and he could tell because although i had a smile on my face and was laughing and being happy, my eyes said completely different. he asked me what was wrong. i said nothing. he kept asking so i just broke down.... i told him i was a complete dumbass... i told him that i was just done and that i was sick of living this nightmare... he started to freak out and kept asking what happened.... i told him how 8 of my friends are dead in just a matter of a month... i told him how i was in a relationship with a guy who was suicidal as well and how i didnt want to be in the relationship with him in the first place.... then how i was sexually harassed by a friend of mine and then went and cheated on my boyfriend with that same friend.... i told him how i was still in love with him... and how i was only in the relationship with the suicidal guy because of him... he asked me how he was the reason... i told him that it was because i still loved him.... it was because he kept making me think there was no possible way for us to have a second chance and that i needed to get the feelings out somehow and that showing those feelings to someone else was the only thing that was working..... he got really mad.... and started going off on me... told me that he still cared about me and kept asking how i could do this... i told him i was sorry so many times.... but he kept going off.... eventually he just stopped replying.... he is still ignoring every word i say to him.... this has been going on for about a month and a half now.... i still love him... i cry almost every night because of him.... and just seeing his name in my phone or that he is online makes my heart burst into a billion little pieces.... knowing that he wont say anything to me at all..... it hurts much much more than just being his friend....

the last thing i said to him was:
1. i know i pissed you off... i dont know how many times i can say that im sorry.
2. wanted to tell you that you ignoring every word i say is just driving me insane and hurts every single time.
3. i broke up with my boyfriend.... he killed himself because of me.
4. a couple days ago i had 2 friends die in a car crash..
5. i havent been able to stop crying lately.
6. my depression keeps getting worse.
7. i will be fully honest.... i never fully stopped cutting....
8. i miss talking to you more than anything else....
9. after the party and on my way to lydas on saturday, i spent hours crying because of how much pain this is causing me...
10. my thoughts of suicide have increased...
11. im TRYING to get some form of help...
12. i would like it if you answered the question im about to ask....
13. if you care about me as much as ive heard others say and you even tell me.... then why are you doing this to me and putting me through so much pain....?
14. i really hope to see a reply to this soon......

i waited for 3 hours to see if hed reply.... he never did.... the very last thing i said to him was "thanks for proving to me how much of a dumbass i was to fall for you... bye..."

i still look at our conversation to see if he has replied.... why am i being so stupid? i know hes not going to reply but i still wait for him to....

ive been told by him and by many other people that he still cares about me... hes told me that every time he looks at the park where we had first kissed, the paintings ive painted for him, and the necklace i gave him as a souvenir from when i went to upper state new york, he smiles and its been about the only bit of happiness hes felt lately.... my friend abbie says that he still cares about me a lot...

my question is... if he cares about me this much.... then why the hell is he doing this to me? why is he making me go through this pain and putting me through an even worse nightmare.... why is he doing this to me? why is he driving me completely insane and why is he making me just want to drop dead........

[Eldora]

I know it's hard to, but you've got to look at the good in your life. You have to get over this guy, if he doesn't want you. I know it's hard, I know it hurts. I know it feels like you're losing everyone. But you have to keep your chin up.

Don't let your life hinge on this one fact, and don't put so much pressure on him. He broke up with you for what seem to me to be good reasons, and I think that he didn't see himself as forcing you to remain friends with him -- I think he wanted to remain friends with you because he still liked you, but he just didn't feel ready to date you yet.

Telling him that you are getting more depressed and suicidal isn't going to help things. Before you can even have a chance of getting him back, you have to prove to yourself -- and him -- that you are strong. That means that before you try dating him again, if you want to stay with him this time, you're going to have to work your way past your depression and your suicidal thoughts.


I know it's hard to forget him, even for a little while. You feel like you'll lose him forever, I know: I've been in the same situation. Though my friends didn't die, I lost a lot of them, and my boyfriend, all in one fell swoop -- because I seriously had anger management issues, problems at home, problems with self-confidence... And then I met my best friend, and I became ten times happier than what I was, worked my way past my depression and anger, and now I've made up with my ex and I'm happier than I've ever been.


My point being, you have to find that person -- male or female -- who can make you feel good about yourself. A new person. Or an old friend who you've never been particularly close to. You have to learn to adapt and adjust to circumstances in order to survive.

You can do this. I believe in you. And I want you to PM me any time you feel desperate for help; don't do anything rash.

You can get through this, I swear it.

[PSY]

I think this is absolutely the wrong thing to focus on right now. You've lost several friends within a very short amount of time, and you are now admitting to feeling suicidal. You need to seek professional help in order to cope with all the death (and threat of death) in your life. The death of a relationship is nothing in comparison.

[Singer180]

I definitely agree with Robin. Death is very hard for the majority of us and with your current state of distress talking about it with a professional really would do you wonders. As for this guy (and I'm not trying to sound mean here at all) I think that he is just upset because you said you were doing certain things because of him. From a male standpoint, guilt from a female is the hot ticket to pushing us away. I'd give him time (as well as yourself) and then when you're feeling better and he's calmed down a little more a simple "Can we talk?" will yield a higher rate of success than continuously attempting communication. I hope this helped you and if you need to talk feel free to PM me.