Completely lost and need many opinions. I dont know what to do at this point and what the right thing to do is; is love worth fighting for?

[helloovee]

My ex Josh and I broke up 5 months ago after a nearly 2 year relationship. Despite our age, we had a very serious relationship. He treated me better than anything any I took it completely for granted. After all this time, I began realizing my mistakes and how stubborn I was. I would do anything for another chance, to show him I'm different, because i truly believe i am. He is the only boy i believe i belong with, i love absolutely everything about him.

Theres a new boy, Eric, who I've been "with" for the past 3 months. I dont know why and i want to end it. He treats me absolutely amazing. He makes me feel beautiful, he makes me smile and is an overall great person. But i dont think its fair to be with him, while all i want is Josh. Josh says he doesnt care about me anymore and doesnt love me. I know he cares, it shows. We currently have no contact, aside from a few talks, drunk texts/calls from my side, and we also talked just a few days ago. He seems very annoyed to be annoyed with me, but if he didnt care about me, why would he try extra hard to be so hostile and detach himself from me? Why does he ask who I'm with? And why does he always know everything I'm up to before I even tell him? Am i just crazy or does this show he does care? He clearly goes out of his way to see what im up to; so why does he say he doesnt care?

I dont know what to do...i dont know if theres ever a chance for josh and me, but i refuse to give up. I love him too much and im not ready to fully move on. yes, i am happy with eric BUT ill never give him 100%. Is me being with Eric gonna ruin my chances, if there is any, of being with josh ever? or of us even talking? Blah, sorry for the rant. Feel free to message me as well, and thanks alot in advance your opinions mean alot to me

[PSY]

Last year, I broke up with my boyfriend of over four years. It was so incredibly difficult - in fact, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Six months after the break-up, I was with another guy, but still longing for my ex... and I was the one who initiated the break-up! Crazy, huh?

The thing is, break-ups can be very complicated, whether you did the breaking up or were broken up with. Even if the relationship itself can't work out, it's hard to let go of the loving feelings we have for our ex-partners. Even if an ex-partner moves on and starts dating someone else, it's hard to let go of the hope that, if we just hang in there for a few more days/weeks/months, our ex-partner will see things our way and want to try again.

It rarely works that way, though. I don't know your ex-boyfriend as well as you do - but it seems like he doesn't want to try again. When someone is hostile, it's usually NOT because they secretly want to be with you again... it's because they genuinely are frustrated with how things are at the moment, and they want peace. They want to cope with the loss and move on. Not everyone can make a clean break, so what they tend to do is make phone calls when they're feeling especially lonely (or when they're drunk and can't control themselves as easily).

They also struggle with wanting to cut a person out of their lives, and"keeping tabs" on them. I certainly wanted to know what my ex-boyfriend was up to. It wasn't because I wanted to get back together with him, though... I think a part of me was honestly curious. I wanted to see how well he was doing in comparison to me. I wanted to see what his next girlfriend would be like. In a way, "keeping tabs" on my ex-boyfriend was a way for me to make myself feel better.

I realize that, at this point, you're probably not going to believe anything I have to say. You're going to hold on to that hope of getting back together. You'll want to believe that your ex-boyfriend still loves you, to the point where he would want to get back together with you. Eventually, you'll realize that's not the case. That realization will happen once you've really allowed yourself to experience the sense of loss, learn from the experience, and move on. Right now, you're not allowing yourself to do that. You did exactly what I did: you jumped into another relationship with a guy who can't "match up" to your ex-boyfriend. What you're doing is not only unfair to your current boyfriend, but it's unfair to you, because you're not allowing yourself to really grow from this experience.

If you're still listening, here's what I would recommend, based on my personal experiences and what I have seen over the course of my time at TeenHelp. For the time being, cut your ex-boyfriend out of your life. Every time you call/text him, and every time you find out what he's been up to, is like rubbing salt in your emotional wounds. You're not allowing them to heal. Cease all contact with him for as long as it takes to stop having these overwhelming feelings for him (in my case, it took a few months).

In the meantime, you may want to take a break from your current boyfriend, or break up with him entirely. You need time to focus on yourself... not on your ex-boyfriend, and not on your current boyfriend... yourself. It's going to feel awfully lonely at first - but in the end, you won't regret it. When you enter into a new relationship, you won't have all this emotional baggage to hinder you in creating a loving connection with someone else. Yes, believe it or not, your ex-boyfriend will NOT be the only man who cares about you. There WILL be other men who can fill that void, and even exceed your expectations for what a boyfriend can be. There is hope for a better future, but you have to be willing to let go of the past first.

[helloovee]

Yes, I did read all of that and before I say anything else i just want to thank you for taking the time out and giving me all that advice. i appreciate it ALOT.

I do believe that another man can care for me, because my current boyfriend truly shows that he does. The problem is me wanting my ex because I do honestly think that in the 5 months that we have been broken up, i completely understood all the reasons that he broke up with me, and if given just one real chance can correct all my mistakes and makes things right. I know I can because before i was blinded by all the emotion and attachment to him to see that all my attempts to try and help it before were actually just desperate and needy for attention. I wish I can show him that we can work out again.

Your view is different from everyone elses. Most people said that since he is "keeping tabs" on me and being hostile it means he has some sort of feelings and care for me. The thing is, i had a long relationship with a boy before, who i completely got over and have no feelings for. I treat him indifferent to any other person. I think Josh would treat me the same if he didnt care?

I dont know..im just so stubborn to admit and accept not having him because I want to be with him more than anyone. i know his flaws, and he is in no way a perfect person; but to me he is what love is. My current boyfriend is absolutely perfect the way he treats me is just amazing and i should be happy with it but its not enough because hes not the right person. Every time i try to break up with him though it doesnt work out for some reason... my current boyfriend has a big problem which is he accepts everything i do and doesnt even get mad because he thinks im the best he'll ever have and doesnt want to loose me . He knows of my feelings for my ex and most guys wouldnt even stick around knowing a girl loves another guy, but hes completely ok with it ?

my main concern is what IF my ex DOES have feelings for me, and me being with a new guy...wouldnt that drive him away? if this whole time during our breakup i stayed away from guys, would my ex want to be with me? i feel like i screwed myself over in this situation

[Shawn K.]

I think Robin is absolutely right on each and every point, the main one being, you are not being fair to your current boyfriend. If what you just posted about him taking all you dish out because he can't do better than you is tru, then as I guy I find what you're doing worse.

Also from a dudes point of view, even if Josh is thinking about getting back with you in any way, he's not likely to do that with boyfriend #2 in the picture.

I hope it's not true, but you seem to be acting selfishly in this so far. IMO

[MacGuffin]

If you still have feelings for an ex it's really not fair of you to try and forge a relationship with someone new. Eric probably likes you a lot and really wants to be with you. You aren't doing him justice if you are dividing your feelings between him and the person you still want to be with. I would recommend ending it with Eric until you sort yourself out. Might you blow your chance with Eric? Yes, but for right now it's not right for you to be with him. If it's meant to work in the future, it will.

I actually read somewhere that for every year you were with someone, it takes six months to heal yourself from that break-up. Now, I don't necessarily believe that to be 100% true because every person heals at a different rate, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that in two months (which was how long it was before you met Eric) you will not be over your ex of two years. It just doesn't work that way.

It's understandable that you still have feelings for Josh. You were with him a long time, and over that time you two probably forged a very close bond. It can be really hard to let go of that, especially if you feel it was your mistakes and stubbornness that ended the relationship. It's understandable you want to have a second chance.

But relationships do not always work like that. We all make mistakes in our relationships, some more serious than others. We all look back at what we could have done differently. If you had just told him how you really felt that one big fight instead of just walking out and slamming the door, for example. Everyone has those moments. But what's done is done, and while we do change as time wears on, we won't always get a second chance, simply because everything that happened DID happen and it can't be erased. That person may have gotten really hurt, and they may not be open to bridging the gap of failed trust. They may have changed, too. Sometimes we have to accept that and move on.

I'm going to advise you not to do with what many have done before you, and many will do after you: DON'T obsess over each little thing he says or does to try and decipher if he still likes you or not. It ruins things every time. Guys get really creeped out when they find out, and you might be reading into something that is waaaaaaaaaay off course.

The point is, Josh is saying he isn't wanting to move forward. And as long as that is what he is SAYING, it's not right to try and make a move.

If you want to try and keep things open to be with Josh, you can. But don't pin your every hope on it, and don't try to crowd his space. You will only get hurt even worse.

Also, I know it sounds cliche, but you are sixteen. You've only been in one relationship. There are many, many others guys out there who are perfect for you. It's true, they may not currently be right in front of you, but they are out there.

Sometimes one door closes and another, much more wonderful door opens. I got out of a relationship a few years ago and experienced much of the same reaction you are having to Josh. I obsessed over every little thing, I tried to make myself ridiculously available and yielding, all in an attempt to get him back. I never did, though, because another door opened. That door held the man I have been with for two years whom I hope to spend the rest of my life with. And I am so glad I didn't try to get back with the other guy, because I would have missed out on something life-changingly beautiful. So don't give up hope; there may just be another door waiting to be opened.