Do you believe "you never get over your first love"/"you only love once" ?

[niente_]

I've read/heard things about people falling in love, breaking up and then never feeling that same thing again with anyone else, but still getting married and stuff because they never think they're going to find that love again, or because they meet someone else but the feelings don't compare to those had by previous partners (still with me here?)

This sparked because I openly asked my boyfriend a question about his ex last night (very silly idea) and he told me the story of how they broke up and what happened, and he quoted during this story "I really should be with this girl." I know she was his "big one" when it comes to relationships. So now I think maybe I'm one of these relationships where he's not gonna truly love me because he's already been in love before with his ex, even if he does "love me" a bit. Similarly, I've had my "big one" with my most recent ex, and I don't feel the same way about my current boyfriend that I did when I was oh-so-in-love with my ex. So it's probably a mutual thing.

Does anyone else believe you only fall truly in love once? I'm starting to believe it.

[Atokad]

I've asked around my family about what you are talking about, and they all said virtually the same thing, your first love is your benchmark. It's where you're going to compare how you feel about the person you are with. That's not to say that immediately you're going to be more in love with the person you are with right now than you were with your first love, but after some time if you aren't feeling what you think you should be feeling, then maybe there is something wrong there. To this day I've compared my romances to my first love and none have stacked up, but I do wish I would have given some of them more time to develop in the relationship because I could have let one of them go away too quickly.

I would say don't think too much about this, but it could be true for some people.

[Stargazed.]

Personally, I don't think love is limited. I've been in love twice and I've fallen out of love both times. So there's still room for me to fall in love again, because there's no other feelings for the people of the past.

I hope this made sense. I couldn't word it the way I wanted to.

[Maloo]

I don't believe it at ALL. My "first love" has no effect on my life today whatsoever.

[Jas]

First love impacts you, I think that's pretty universal. I think they've probably always got a place in your heart (whether positive or not). I know mine does. But I don't think it keeps you from finding love elsewhere later on, love that could be potentially stronger and/or healthier for you.

Idk, basically I agree with Atokad -> first love is your benchmark because it's so intense and idealistic, and you can end up comparing later love to it, but it doesn't prevent you from building up to love that's as great as that first partner...

[Dr.Bobby]

Originally Posted by niente_

I openly asked my boyfriend a question about his ex last night (very silly idea) (

^ Yes, it was. Never, ever ask a question you are not fully prepared to hear the answer to. Some things are really best left unasked.

The short answer to your other question, about getting over your first love...is that, yes, of course you can. Love is an emotion, it's limitless. Actually, it gets much better as you get older, because you learn and grow from each one, and as a result, you become better defined as a person. Self understanding leads to a deeper appreciation of other people, especially their abilitiy to love and nurture you. Trust me on this...

The longer answer (other than why you needed to ask him about something that is over and safely in the past), is that when people say they 'Never forget' or that 'Nothing compares', they're not making a factual statment about life or love as much as they are making a statement about their own difficulty in processing loss and moving on. Everyone has different issues with attachment and separation (based on earlier experiences, usually with parents), and those skills are most typically what accounts for people's statements about their first love, not the actual quality of it.

[Flavalicious]

Originally Posted by Maloo

I don't believe it at ALL. My "first love" has no effect on my life today whatsoever.

I have to agree with Maloo here [edited part in italic] that first love has no effect on my present life in any way and I think people can move on and forget their first love if they want to.

In fact I had terrible relationship experiences with my ex boyfriends that led me to self harm and exercise bulimia in the past and seriously I wouldn't want to trade my current relationship with my fiance with any past relationships I had. I get over my past and moved on after the break ups.

But in the other hand I do believe that saying "You only love once" and that's only with the right person. I found my soul mate and I'm so happy with him and there's one point in my life when we're together I suddenly realized that what happened in the past wasn't love at all and they weren't how love supposed to be and this is the real love that I ever had in my life and yes, I will love a person wholeheartedly with my life only once -- my fiance.

I guess everybody had different experiences in the past and thus, led them to what they feel and believe in present time.

[Magical Forest.]

I've been in a relationship for almost a year now. I love him. I really do.
It still hurts to see my ex with a girl, even though we've been apart from 18 months. The love I had for him was so strong, and I think that there will always be the tiniest bit of feeling because of that strength. That doesn't lessen the love for my current boyfriend at all. It was a different kind of love.
For myself, I can understand the whole 'first love' thing, but it depends on person to person. Things may change as you get older.

[George^^]

I don't believe in love dying, like, you love someone and then you fall out of love with them. I think it changes. There was this guy that I liked, it went from friendship, to crushing, to thinking I loved him, and then back to friendship. - I've only felt what I consider "Love Love", twice, because those were really special people for me.

So, no, I don't believe you only have one chance, you get many. Sure, there may be someone that you never get over and they're the person.

[bitesize]

I don't really know.

I've been with my current boyfriend nearly two years; he's the second person I fell in love with but I'm more in love with him than the first. It feels like in the future this relationship will definitely have more of an impact on my memory than my previous one.

My first love was my ex-boyfriend, and it was a pretty crappy relationship (emotionally unhealthy.) I hate him with an absolute passion, more than I ever thought I could dislike someone. However, part of me wonders (VERY reluctantly) if my level of hatred for him does have something to do with the fact that he was the first person I loved. After all, the opposite of love is indifference, not hate. So maybe there is some truth (albeit a tiny, tiny bit) in the idea that you always feel something for your ex (even if it's full-on, fire-spitting hatred.)

[Maloo]

Originally Posted by Felis ❤

I have to agree with Maloo here for "you never get over your first love".

Woah, totally not what I said.

[Flavalicious]

Originally Posted by Maloo

Woah, totally not what I said.

Err I don't think I made it clear enough on my post before I mean since she asked Do you believe "you never get over your first love" and you answered

Originally Posted by Maloo

I don't believe it at ALL. My "first love" has no effect on my life today whatsoever.

What I was trying to say is that:

I have to agree with Maloo here [edited part in italic] that first love has no effect on my present life in any way and I think people can move on and forget their first love if they want to.

[Silhouette]

My first love hasn't changed anything today either. So I don't think everyone is limited to just 'one love'. Sometimes yes, it can feel that way. But I've seen lots of people get attached to several people in their lifetime.

[Maloo]

Originally Posted by Felis ❤

Err I don't think I made it clear enough on my post before I mean since she asked Do you believe "you never get over your first love" and you answered



What I was trying to say is that:

I have to agree with Maloo here [edited part in italic] that first love has no effect on my present life in any way and I think people can move on and forget their first love if they want to.

Oh, ok lol.

[Brandon]

My first love is my current girlfriend, and I know that if something were to happen between us...I don't know what I'd do. My girlfriend has admitted on a couple occasions that she'd be afraid to break up with me, if it ever got to that point, because I probably wouldn't be stable anymore. I'd probably do something pretty fucked up, and I tend to agree with her. I see her and I marrying, and I'm 100% confident that it's going to happen. If it doesn't, then I'm in a world of hurt. Provided I wouldn't end my life, I would definitely compare all my other girlfriends to her because I definitely consider her to be a "benchmark" (as Atokad said) in my life.

[Tyr.]

Originally Posted by Brandon

I'd probably do something pretty fucked up

That's just a male thing in general. Reminds me of the quote from The Men Who Stare at Goats. I think we all do crazy shit

But as it was, I did what so many men have done throughout history when a woman has broken their heart. I went to war.

[Megan1]

I don't believe that you can "only love once" at all.

When I was 16, I was completely convinced that I was in love with this guy who didn't want to be with me. I believed whole-heartedly that he was the only person I would ever truly be in love with (basically just because I had never felt that way for a guy before) and I believed that real love was only a one time thing. I thought that since he didn't want to be with me, I was never going to truly love again.

It turned out that I was wrong. Once I realized that love wasn't a feeling, but rather is a commitment to do what is best for the person no matter what it costs you, for better or for worse, I knew that the "You can only love once and if that person ends up breaking up with you, you'll never love again." thing wasn't true. I ended up getting over my feelings for that guy eventually (not instantly) and started dating my current boyfriend about 2 years later, who I definitely am in love with. I'm not saying that it's a good idea to go around and date several people, because it's not...I suggest only dating someone if you're really planning to marry them...but if something happens and you do end up having to break up, it's not over for you. You can love again.

There are also different kinds of love. My current boyfriend and I are in love and we plan to marry in a few years. If something happened before then and we broke up, I would start loving him like a brother instead of like a future husband. I would never hate him, I would still love him as a person, but I would eventually move on from those romantic feelings and find the guy who I'm actually meant to be with. Does that make sense?

Niente, if your boyfriend is saying that he should be with that other girl, it sounds like he isn't over her yet and shouldn't be in a new relationship yet. No it doesn't mean that he can never get over her or that he will love only her for the rest of his life, but it means that he hasn't gotten to that point yet where he is over it. I personally wouldn't want to date a guy who was still in love with someone else. I'd want him to resolve those feelings before he started dating me.

[SamMarie]

I believe that first loves are different from first real loves. Your "first loves" are the first ones you have expressed openly to emotionally. They are the ones to first teach you what it is like to be in a young relationship and also what it is like to be with someone for "awhile". Now, it's pretty rare, personally speaking on my behalf, to still be with your first love. They are also the first time you understand the meaning of a break up. And honestly, it is probably the biggest moment in your life where you feel everything is/was literally "perfect". You'll have the strongest feelings with that first love because they were the first to teach you the first lesson of a relationship that you thought was perfect at one point.

On the other hand, there are your first real loves. I believe these are the ones that will hit you the hardest. I only say this because unlike your first love who taught you that first lesson, the first real love you will be more "aware" and you're more understanding of what it is to come. They're the ones you've grown to mature and stay with for several years to come. If lucky, the rest of your life. These are the ones to take first base to home run with a true mutual meaning between the both of you. You both have experienced first loves and you realize that your relationship isn't always going to perfect. You both make adult-like decisions. This is reality, not an imagination.

I understand where you're coming from, but you can't be insecure about something that your own boyfriend decided to do which is be with you. And even if it wasn't mean to be, you and your bf, the future will set you both in the right direction if you keep working on it. Good luck!

Truth is, I am COMPLETELY over my first love too.

[Darth Vader]

Originally Posted by Maloo

I don't believe it at ALL. My "first love" has no effect on my life today whatsoever.

I totally agree with this.

[BrianaAshlynnDawn]

Much to say here. My first love was amazing...and hard at the same time. So, to make a long story short, I'm in love with someone else today, and the feelings are very strong, as strong as my first love if not even stronger. Theres a little piece of me that still loves my first, but he still wont compare to my current love. Basically, it all depends on whether or not you allow yourself to love someone so much again.

[JKmadu619]

Nope, it is totally biologically impossible to ever love someone as much as someone you loved first, likely in your teen years.

Of course it's possible to love again. If a dog dies, you'll be heartbroken, but eventually you will get a new dog, and love it just as much (if not more.) if a friend dies, you'll be sad but eventually you will have another friend that "replaces" them. Likewise it is possible to love more than one person. Some people even love more than one person at a time. I don't believe that you can only love once, not even more a minute.

- Justin

[Esc-tactic seat]

Sadly for some, I think it's true. I'm still with my 1st love and I hope it will last... 1st love isn't just feeling the romantic things for somebody for your first time. It develops your character and when you're giving your heart to somebody, you get to know yourself through that person. And I'm talking about the first time you get a lot attached, when you have the strongest feeling she/he is your other half, not a first crush/first partner etc.
That's my short answer.

[Muse]

For me, it's more of a nostalgic feeling. Dated him for three years, had the ups and downs, was young and impressionable, yaddayaddayadda. Do I still love him? No. Do I still think about him? Yes. He has impacted my life, but I think every person that you meet that stays with you for a substantial time SHOULD. Otherwise, what's the point?

[better-than-ecstasy]

I don't believe it. I'm over whatever I had. Some people just tend to move on.

[Shazney]

Jeah, i got a bf bt m always kising wth my 1st love, i jst feel hppy evrytym i'm with him than i am with my 2nd love

[Cataclysmic]

Your first love impacts you but I believe that yeah, you can get over it with time.

[TheNumber42]

I don't believe it at all. My "first love" doesn't affect me anymore than what I had for lunch 4 years ago on the 27th of June does. The only time I ever even think about her is when threads like this come up and I have to to answer the question. I love my current partner and none of any of my exes have any effect on that.

[Chris.]

I didn't read all the replies - mainly because I'm lazy - but I think there is always someone that will be in our heart. I think that there is always someone we will never 100% stop loving. I think that eventually we move on, and love others - but I also think that we still will always be attached to that one person; we will always have that connection and love for that one person. I know many cases where people have gone on to get married, and than see that person again and get divorced and married to that one person. I also have seen cases where someone in the relationship was just 100% honest with the other and just say that they are still in love with there old partner. Believe it or not, I had a friend that did that. He told his girlfriend that he was still in love with his first love - and she accepted that, and actually got married (and she still knows to this day that he still loves his first love).

So I think you can always fall in love with many different partners - but I think that there is only one TRUE love; and you may or may not impacted by him/her for the rest of your life.

[Age of Ignorance]

The better and more personal question (i.e. directed at the OP) is: why say you "love" your new partner, when he/she doesn't meet the benchmark of the old one?

To me, my first "loves" were not love. It might have been love at the time, but I felt something greater with the next one, and a compounded feeling of greatness after that. Love? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it's just a better mixture of chemistry flowing through my head. Does love actually exist? Do I believe that love is one of those feelings that are objectively determined as having only one definition? No. Do I subscribe to the notion that your first love is the maximum measurement? Well, of course not, not if I experienced a greater, deeper "love" with the next.

Personally, love is not a feeling that can be described with one word (not being cliche here, just stating a point of view) - it can be tossed around, changed, moulded, etc. every single moment of the day; it is a subjective feeling of the intersection of what ought to be and what is; it's a cross-over of how things are at any point of time and the feeling you get when it all fits into place. Is this different from infatuation? Yes. To me, infatuation is the result of love, whilst love is subjective to time, place, person and environment.

To alter the question, can you experience "maximum infatuation" over and over in the intersection of many loves? Yes. Can that maximum increase? Of course - it's a subjective concept. How? Simple, the intersection is wider - more things fit into place, more chemistry is felt.

In essence, to me, love is a subjective concept of the intersection of pieces; the closer they are, the stronger the love is. Do I believe that you can feel that 'high' of that intersection the second, third, possibly millionth time around? Of course - if the pieces fit.

[Masquerade.]

I think your first love will always have a special place in your heart, but it's entirely possible to move on from them. Their name may always trigger something, whether you've moved on or not. But, for some, there comes a point where all it triggers is a special memory - no feelings attached.

[SemperExpectantes.]

Ah, I've been wanting to answer this question for a few days... I had to think it over a bit, first, though.

I think that it really depends according to the person in question, but for me... I know that I will never forget my first boyfriend, and I have a strong feeling that I'll always miss him. I'm talking to two guys right now (trying to decide which one I like better), and despite the fact that they're both sweet, I think of my first boyfriend. He was strong, handsome, intelligent, unique, romantic, sweet... I'll never forget the feeling of him holding me.

A part of this, I think, is due to my upbringing. My grandma married her first love and is still with him (my grandpa), my mom married her first love (my dad) and is still with him... I'm the only one who won't carry on that tradition. Though for some reason I keep hoping that that could change.

[Through-Glass]

Absolutely not! Love is much more flexible than that. My first love left a big impression on me, not all for the best...but I will never forget him because of that. First love does not equal last love, however. In fact, I did not meet the love of my life (my fiance) until several years after my first love.

They make an impression on you, but "you can only love once" is DEFINITELY not true.

[DanceCommander]

Absolutely not. I don't believe that for a second.

Yes, I will say you don't FORGET your first love. No one does. It was a pivotal time in one's life. But I don't believe that you NEVER get over them or you are NEVER the same.

I remember my first love. I remembered how wonderful it was. I also remember how terribly it ended. And for a while I had trouble getting over it, NOT because of how much I missed him or wanted to be with him but because, but because it ended badly and I blamed myself for it.

But I did get over it. And I met someone absolutely fantastic and wonderful and we've been together two years. And the future definitely looks bright. So yes, I got over my first love, and no, I did go on to have an even better love relationship.

Here's the thing about missing your first love: people move on and as time goes by they chance. Say you broke up with someone two years ago and miss them terribly. The thing is, they have changed who they are by then. So you wouldn't necessarily be in love with THEM as you are the image of them and possibly the image of yourself.

Life moves forward whether you like it or not. Better to move with it than not.

Now I am not saying this is the case for everyone. I've heard people describe their first love changed things completely and they were never the same. I am not saying that isn't true.

But I am saying it's not a "rule" that that happens.