boyfriend wont cut ties with his ex

[afrwilson]

After 12 years with the father of my kids I had come to the idea that we were more like brother and sister and wanted to move on.

I met a guy last Aug, he chased me for weeks and after a month or two told me he loved me.

I caught this guy three or four times checking my mobile phone but put it down to insecurities, after a few friends told him he was punching above his weight with me.


After a while, I began to feel this was mind games and felt he was trying to test my love for him.

I soon thought this may be more and checked his phone, found lots of correspondence from his ex, dirty photos and lots of phone logs (when he's at work) This was dismissed by him as paranoia and 'my phone is private you had no business going through it'

He was unemployed for the first two months of our relationship but that never bothered me, I have never had money so would never put someone down for that.

He was living in a rented room in a private house before Christmas and the done thing was to spend every day in the pub, not necessarily getting drunk but more for the social aspect of it.

I on the other hand, being a single mum found it difficult to comprehend folk spending all their money on non materialistic things with nothing to show for a hard months graft.

The couple he stayed with were of the same thinking as him and spend a lot of time in this local bar also.

However, come Christmas, he was spending more and more time at my house, sleeping over and admitting that he may have a problem with drink.

He suggested a handful of times that maybe he should move in on the thoughts that he would cut down on the pub and maybe only have two tins of beer at home to relax after a hard 10-14 hour shift and to meet up with his mates at the weekend. I was fine with this and felt he would be better (for health reasons) to live with me than with two also heavy drinkers.

He lasted a month, to the day, before I asked him to leave and that I cant deal with him anymore, he tells me he loves me but 'Im the nightmare' His friends tell him he 'should be nice to me and treat me good' his reply 'why'? he tells me he's only ever had three girlfriends and that 'this is all new to him' and that 'all he has ever known was to go out and have a good time' he has 'never had to take responsibilities for anyone or anything before'
His drinking is spiraling faster and faster the more money he earns. But can see that for himself.

His ex plays a big manipulating part in his life. In Aug-Sept last year it was obvious he was playing us off each other, I put it down to him being too scared to tell her it was over, as she was a 'phsyco' and that 'if I ignore her she'll stop texting/phoning'

After months of texting hows it going and general catch up texts, she now resorts to sending him obscure messages like... 'sorry you had driven past before I realised it was you waving at me' as a white flag to say her boyfriend (also my boyfriends best mate) is out of town and she wants to see him. He showed me the texts and admitting a few nights later that this was her way of getting him round.
Months have gone by and he chops and changes his story now he tells me they are 'just very good friends' and he 'enjoys their conversations' but if she texts he makes his excuses and runs out the door. I say nothing, leave it a few days and check his phone while he sleeps and find photos of her dated that very same night.

It has now got to a point, she has lied and has threatened me through my boyfriend ('wants to drag me up an alley way on a dark night and batter me') because I forwarded on messages he sent me telling me he thought she was mental and that it was ME he loved. But she twisted it and said I posted it on her facebook page, she knows the street where I live, but not sure if she knows the exact house, and has wandered around out my back door walking her dog calling my name.

She turns up at his house, (he is now renting a new property with a man on the next street) he's given her his address and she waltz's in with her kid and dog, if he and his mates planned a saturday out she turns up complete with kid, he tells me he hasn't invited her and that she just turns up.

My boyfriend doesnt see the problem and tells we're both as bad as each other, but has never invited me into her company even when he protests her boyfriend is there, he tells me he loves me but Im moving too fast although he seems to be changing the goal posts on me, I have asked him if he understands how I feel and he chops and changes his story there too, I cant understand why he has an abundance of male friends but still needs contact with his ex three times a week.

I am of an understanding diplomatic nature and have asked if shes depressed, she lost her mum last year and also drinks everyday, she wakes in morning instead of sugar in her coffee its a spoonful of speed. He told me he couldnt even take coffee in the morning because she would make it for him and would end up going to work off his head, I have suggested that maybe she needs help but my going on and on about it is driving him away.
I have tried many many times to talk to him about how it makes me feel, he's told me that I 'never let him out my sight' Ive told him 'I dont trust him as far as I can throw him' well he said if theres 'no trust theres no point' and asked me to leave his house last night.
How do I show him that she is driving between us?

Am I wrong? please discuss.... All feedback appreciated

I may add that, even though 'nothing is going on' he has now added he ex's name in his contact list as his mates name to avoid being found out, if nothing was going on he wouldnt have security on his phone and take it everywhere with him

what do I do?

[Maloo]

You leave him. He's not putting you before his ex because he doesn't WANT to. He's under the impression that he can have both of you, and I doubt his way of thinking is going to change any time soon.

Stop wasting your time on him, and ditch him. I didn't see ONE thing in your post that says he's worth staying with.

[Dr.Bobby]

Hun, you don't make good choices with men. You should look into why that happens. Clearly, this guy is out of control..I'm not sure why you're questioning/excusing/justifying it. At 35, men should be able to exert a bit more self control and they should also demonstrate better judgement. When that doesn't happen..when you have clear evidence to the contrary..as well as their inability/unwillingness to alter that..the choice is really clear. Not seeing that and taking appropriate action yourself really then becomes the larger (and far more important) issue.

[afrwilson]

Ive tried so hard with him because I don't want to introduce different men into my children's lives. But feel I have left myself looking like a fool I beginning to think he's has a very toxic personality.

I appreciate your feedback

[PSY]

I hate to be so blunt, but where do your children fit into all of this? Shouldn't you be thinking about their needs first? This guy sounds like trouble, and if I were in your position, I wouldn't want to do anything that would take time and effort away from raising my children. End this relationship, and either wait until your children have grown up and don't need to rely so heavily on you anymore, or be much more cautious when dating men and letting them become a major part of your life.

[afrwilson]

yip, I see your point, my kids come first, I tend to their every need and he pops round after their in bed.

There is no real bond with boyfriend and kids I have not forced a bond there but he is in the background.

So, update, was out yesterday an surprise, surprise his ex phones and texts while in my company, all friendly and well mannered, but my name was dropped into the conversation as a warning he was in my company. He hangs up the phone and admits 'your right, everything you say is all right'

[~Wallflower~]

Well, someone who actually wanted to be with you would want a relationship with your kids. At least that would be how I'd feel if I was dating a guy with a kid.
Any how, it doesn't sound like he is really committed to you. There can't be 3 people in a relationship like that. I think you can be friends with people of the opposite sex, but there is a difference between platonic and inappropriate. Like my best friend is a guy, and I'll give him hugs BUT I give my other friends hugs too, and I wouldn't change his name in my contacts.
When he admitted everything you've been saying is right, what does he plan to do about it? Are you going to find a guy who can make you a priority?

[afrwilson]

today I asked him what his ex was saying on the phone 'cant really remember' we were on a night out last night, he is getting 'tired and completely annoyed at you' for continually asking about her. He tells me he loves me, but I cant understand why, when he has many, many male AND female friends he needs his ex in constant contact.

My ex has a non dependent daughter and have never experienced this before, I have always welcomed everyone in my life. My boyfriend on the other had has very minimal contact with the mother of his daughter, which I understand being through this all with my ex, so if anything he should have more contact with the mother of his daughter.
I will ask, but finding the correct line of questioning is difficult without upsetting and sending him off in a 'here we go again' strop :0/

[afrwilson]

well, checked his phone for the first time in around three weeks, his so called once a phone call every 2 weeks turned out to be three a day with multiple texts a day, completely gutted. I asked him to leave and he told me 'Im a fucking nightmare' and 'off my head' 'dont phone or fucking text me ever again' I text him 20 mins later 'it would apear you both still have strong deep feelings for each other, I wish both good luck, take care, all my love A' his reply.... 'go get fucked'

[Age of Ignorance]

His reply seems... Um, how do I put it? Angry.

If you're okay with the result, I'm happy for you. I also commend you for what you did.

[afrwilson]

completely gutted truth be told, but if I can find love in him, someones going to bowl me over,