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DaniaWania Offline
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Name: Dania
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Location: Jamaica

Posts: 9
Join Date: April 6th 2009

depression&anger, emotional eating... cigarettes? - April 6th 2009, 06:13 AM

sorry i am not sure if i placed this in the right category. i really hope i get a really useful answer but thank you to everyone all the same:

I am 19, in college. My mother pays for me to go to school. my father died when i was 2. my mother migrated when i was 2 also and i have lived with many nannies since then.

we do not have a good relationship. i don't have any other family to take care of me. i don't find her very nice at all. i wont say i hate her right now, but she is very mean in my opinion. i think she thinks she is doing a good enough job but in my opinion she is just very painful and insensitive. she doesn't know my needs outside of material things and because i have that she apparently thinks i should be satisfied. i am not demanding anything else from here. when i was younger i would complain that i didn't get a mommy but i have accepted that not all people are that fortunate.

thing is, now that i am 19 i have had about enough of her behavior, he domineering and aggressive ways. she doesn't even know me at all and assumes that she does know that i do and what goes through my mind. i once told her i was depressed and she said i should "take the word out of my head because i have nothing to be depressed about." she barked it rather.

she used to beat me a lot when i was 17 and younger. i was scared sh*tless of her. (this is not an issue now i am just trying to show you that she is not very nice at all, which is an understatement).

i have had it. but i would like to finish college. i really do not know what to do. i know people have worst situations but that does not change my feelings about this. my intention is to get her out of my life by migrating to a place where she would never find me. i don't intend to have her very involved in my life. and at the moment i am too bitter to care about changing my mind. i plan to pay her back for every dime she spent on on me and more over that. i do not care much for her child labor pains etc because she doesn't care much for the pains that i felt without a family as a child.

i play a very humble and silent person when she barks at me. she could never have any idea how much rage is within me. i have tried to start a new page with her many times. recently it was thrown in my face, and this is the end of it. when she gets on my nerve i end up in some sort of delirium. i am worried about what people will think of me if i do some of the things i feel like doing.. or the after effects .. and that's what keeps me bottled up. in the end i am depressed. i avoid people when i am depressed because i do not really like when people know my business. as a result i skipped many days of school and stayed home and ate.

this is not the only thing that bothers/depresses me, but one of the issues that i just really cannot come out of right now. when everything come together i just feel like i would love to end my life n be done with it all.

i will not commit suicide. i have no way of dealing with it. all i do is cry and eat. and that has a negative side. i am XXX lbs overweight. so now when i eat i go into a deeper depression. now my weight has become a source of depression. now its a cycle of overeating for me. and i try to control how much i eat but frankly, when i have nothing else to make me feel better i really don't care at that moment in time.

this rage is getting worst i realize.. and now i fantasize about doing horrible stuff. and now it doesn't take much for me to get extremely angry. i quell it, but that is followed by stress and then sometime the depression.
i am thinking about cigarettes. it may sound horrible but i understand it replaces the crave for food and calms the nerves. at this point i don't really care about the side effects.

if there is anything else that can help, what is it?

i am letting the chip lay where thy have fallen, my mother seems oblivious about my feelings. she just doesn't know what she has done to me. it is safe to say that i hate her. i have to speak to her as if i am happy , with respect etc, but honestly since i was a kid i was counting down 'til the day i get myself a stable job and get her out of my life.

my friend suggest a councilor. do you think that will help? i simply do not think that will change my situation. can a councilor undo so many years of contempt and hurt?

Last edited by SimplyComplex; April 7th 2009 at 11:58 AM. Reason: Please refrain from posting weight numbers. Thank you :]
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