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love-hate at the same time - January 8th 2015, 04:20 PM

Hi all,
I'm going to try to open up about something that's been bugging me for a while but I'm not sure if I'm saying it right. I guess I'll just put it out there and see how it goes...
Okay I really don’t know where to start or how to get into this. In my head it was a lot more monologuing and I wish I could record my thoughts straight from the source but I can’t :P
I feel that this has been happening for a while, maybe most my life even. I don’t know, it got more intense in the recent years. Or maybe I was just more aware of it.
I’ll get into it, as the title mentions the love-hate people thing. Though it's not literally at the same time, it's more of an instability between loving and hating something or someone. It usually is love or hate but sometimes it's a confusion and mixture type of thing. . I’ll explain and I don’t know if anyone could relate or what but it’s really hard for me to deal with. I’ll start with the love part. For the longest time I genuinely cared about people. I was always the helper kid who was a big help for adults. At first it was for the adults, then I started tutoring classmates in my free time. I really wanted them to do well. I still do care about people. And here comes the hate part. However I have a lot of anger, frustration, resentment inside of me because of people too. For example, even when I was tutoring classmates, I was still not good enough to be included in their recess play. I was made fun of by those same people, and overall I was treated as an outsider and seen as "too different".
When I was not helping people, I was still a loner sitting in the corner. Sometimes I enjoyed being alone, I AM somewhat of an introvert. But I had zero friends. It just always seemed so one sided. But now I guess it’s what I prefer because it’s what I’m good at. When I try to be in social situations, I am miserable. So maybe I’m better left alone when I’m not helping. I feel like if I’m in a formal volunteer or work or school position for instance, there is that bit of impersonal. Which I think I do better in. For example, I worked at a daycare which meant I was in a caregiving position. I was able to really care fully and unconditionally for these kids. I felt like I understood them or had the potential to learn understanding for the parts I still didn’t understand yet and my behavior was all based on understanding and trust in the child. If a kid didn’t want to go to sleep, other staff would yell at them a ton (some even spanked them which I’m highly against. But it’s an in home daycare and the woman in charge supports spanking and that’s part of the reason besides for other violations that I’m leaving and finding a new place to work this coming summer.) but I would actually feel with their situation and then be able to handle it better. For example, I would offer them a soft toy to sleep with and if they were really not sleepy, I gave them the option for a quiet activity. Like I could actually see them as human beings who need love and support!
But when I’m in a social situation with people my age or around my age, I can’t handle it. I’m sensitive and offended easily and constantly feeling alone and timid and like people are secretly hating me/judging me/thinking I’m not good enough/using me/taking me for granted/taking advantage of me. It is based on past events-but I don’t know how much is real. I don’t trust people. I go between loving someone and thinking they’re out to get me or I don’t know…
Or if they’re busy or something I just feel like they’re abandoning me. I can’t tell if someone is annoyed at me or genuinely not. I think people are lying when they say they will always care about me because that doesn’t seem real. And for the record very few people have told me that. And if they did I need to keep hearing it or I won’t believe them or think that they changed their mind.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. This loneliness has gotten to a new level. It seems that I do terribly in most social situations. I’m a shy and quiet person but can do things like participate in class when it affects my grade. I’m more outgoing I guess on the internet and the internet is the only place I kinda do okay but still have problems. I still feel lonely though.
Even if someone is in the care position and I’m in the cared-for. I don’t trust them. My family members and relatives- I can’t say I really trust any of them. My dad, I keep giving chances but when it comes down to it, I guess it’s because I need someone and it’s better than nothing. But I still have problems. I tried trusting my former therapist but she kept insisting I’m putting barriers when I didn’t feel like I was. And after she said it 50 times I just stopped trusting her.( I SAID I WASN’T PUTTING BARRIERS BUT NOW I WILL BECAUSE YOURE BOTHERING ME. )
I can’t tell if I’m right for not trusting because of the past or just overreacting. I also don’t trust new people either but I still try to give them a chance despite lack of trust. I kinda try to “test” them in a way that if they defeat my trust I’m still protected. But I usually end up getting hurt anyway.
I feel like I can be there for people but people aren’t there for me. Which is silly because I know some people said they are but it doesn’t feel that way.
And yeah, besides for feeling alone, I feel sad and it contributes to my depression and when I go through hard situations it gets even worse.
Even more so is when I help someone out but then they still don’t want to be my friend. I’m not sure why I assume that helping someone will get me a friendship status. But even let’s say my sister or someone, I help her with her huge project and she thanks me. I’m okay. But then we get into a fight because I got offended by what she said/did and don’t know how to say it in a way she just understands and then things get worse and I bring up the fact that I lend her my art supplies and helped her the whole night through with her project.
There’s just so many things i need to work through and the funny part is that professionals don’t seem to help. Maybe I should just rot.

The only diagnosis I got was DD-NOS (depressive disorder not otherwise specificed) and later on MD (major depression) but I don't think it's *only* a depression thing. Because sometimes these things would trigger a depressed state in me. It seems like these things existed before. I can't really tell anymore. I'm also just mentioning this as a loneliness and trust issue thing but maybe there's more to it. I can't tell if there's a real "problem" or if it's just part of who I am. Like I also go between very serious and very silly/goofy. Family laughed it off calling me "silly seven" when i was a kid but now it seems to be more of a problem because family complain that I switch on them and I'm unpredictable.

Just hoping someone can give me insight.