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Jess~ Offline
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Name: jess
Age: 20
Gender: chick with an imaginary dick
Location: hell

Posts: 908
Blog Entries: 10
Join Date: November 26th 2012

Everything's going downhill again - September 7th 2017, 05:41 PM

I'm at a point in my life where everything on the outside is finally going right. I'm in the process of being hired at a local grocery store, I have a boyfriend somehow, I'm going to school and loving it, and I'm doing decent socially. I mostly just stick to my same old high school friends, but I've been talking to new people too, and a lot less anxious over it. It's cool.

But now that everything on the outside makes it look like I should be happy, everything internal that I've pushed down is kind of coming back up to the surface.
I've talked a few times about my feelings for my boyfriend and how I really don't feel much at all towards him. Sometimes I'm even grossed out to be with him. Like one day his lips were chapped and I actually felt like throwing up when he went to kiss me. I don't think you should feel that way towards someone you're supposed to care about.
He made me cry the other night because he got mad, because I'm constantly joking around and playing with him. He was mad that every other thing that comes out of my mouth is a joke and he needs me to be serious sometimes. But I literally can't comprehend how what we were talking about at the time was serious at all. It's scary because yesterday he was telling me about how he'll probably be able to buy an apartment... in about a year. And he was wanting me to move in too. In a year. I wasn't even planning that far in the future, and it's gross that he is. Maybe it's just because he's taking this relationship seriously and I'm really not, but I don't know. I'm not really even that attracted to him. Like I kind of avoid looking at pictures of him, because he looks really bad in pictures, and I get really uncomfortable for some reason when I look at them. He looks better in real life, but idk.
I kind of wish I could just cut him off and not have to deal with anything, but then I'll just go back to being lonely and wishing I had a boyfriend. So i don't understand what I want.
At the moment, I have nothing better to do than to just stick it out with him and see where this might go, like everyone has been advising me to. But I don't really feel anything holding me back from pursuing anyone else, if the situation arises. There's literally no feelings attached to this, and that's another problem.

I don't know if I can't have feelings for him because I don't like him, because I'm still attached to my "ex", or because I'm "broken".
Even though I said a lot of negative things about him above, I do enjoy talking to him and he's really funny. But we don't have any foundation to our relationship, which is why I really didn't want to rush. All that's there is our personalities, and we just hang out. There's not really any trust or love or any real bond, just it's fun to hang out.
I don't know if I'm really still attached to the guy I was in love with either, though. I definitely don't still love him, but I do love who he was and who I thought he was. It's cliche to say I loved the idea of him, but I think that's accurate. But I think what's really hurting now is everything else I lost in him. He was the only person I could ever go to for advice and to talk about things in my life. He was the first person I would tell everything to. Definitely was my best friend. He was also my workout buddy, and part of the drive to work my ass off everyday was to get better so I could impress him. He'd give me advice and was basically a personal trainer. We'd celebrate each others little victories in working out and it was great.
I recently asked him if we would ever be friends and if we would ever talk again. He said he doesn't have anything against me and he guesses, sure, we would talk again. But it just didn't sound convincing at all. I felt stupid for asking and showing him that I still wanted him in my life, when obviously if he wanted me back he'd be talking to me. I just wish he would text me first, because I know I'm a bother.

Speaking of working out, I have absolutely no motivation anymore. I constantly hate myself every day that passes and I don't workout. I can see my progress just slipping out of my hands and I really beat myself up about it. But for some reason, I just can't fucking get up and do it. I feel like every time I do force myself to workout, I don't give 100%, so it's a waste of time and it makes no difference anyway.
I feel really fat. I've always had a little bit of a stomach, but I focused a lot of my muscle growth on my butt so that made my stomach not matter as much. However, now that I haven't been working anything, my stomach is bigger and my butt is so much smaller. It's fucking depressing, I look absolutely disgusting. I can feel the fat under my jaw and I know I'm just gross.
Even when I do workout, my family buys the shittiest of food. Seriously, I went to the store with them the other day, and it would be so easy to just NOT buy junk food like chips and cookies. Every time my dad would ask which kind to get, I would say, "Or we could just get neither!" But he would still get them. Just the simple change of not even having junk food in the house would help with my diet so much, because it eliminates urges. It's a lot easier to say no to junk if it's down the street in the store, rather than in the kitchen cabinet. I constantly beg them to buy healthy food, like vegetables and fruit. But it's never "on sale". Well if we gave up the chips and cookies, we could use that extra money to spend a bit more on the healthy shit.
It's just really discouraging, and now that I have no one pushing me to do better, it's even worse.

I'm also completely fucking broke and I hate myself immensely for letting this happen. I had a guy earlier this year who played me and made me waste about $200 on him. That was bad enough, but I still had a couple hundred in the bank. I don't know what the fuck I did, though, but I now have under $100 in my bank account. Absolutely no money in my wallet. I am broke.
I'm terrified to let my parents know I have no money though, because they'll ask what happened to it all. I used to have almost $800 saved up from over all the years, and I just blew it... mostly on going to meet guys and having to buy gas without letting my parents know, so that they wouldn't know I used up so much in such a short period of time or something. Also buying food for those guys and shit. I'm just a complete fucking idiot.
I'm desperate to finally start this job, but there's so many delays and I probably won't be working until the last week of this month.

God I hate myself. I've even been considering cutting again. The other day I accidentally cut my finger on something, and I didn't realize that thing was sharp enough to pierce skin. So now I'm really tempted to try it out on my wrist and "see how good it works". Isn't that fucking insane? Like who thinks like this?

Every day I consider emailing my old counselor at the rape crisis center. But I wouldn't even know what to say. I really want to go and just talk to her about everything, but I'm sure, since it's free counseling specifically for a rape crisis center, I would have to really "play up" how badly the rape stuff is still affecting me.
Which it is, don't get me wrong. The case pretty much ended recently, and I still feel like it's my fault nothing was able to be done about it. But right now, that's the least of my problems, really. That can't be changed, but maybe this stuff can be?
I just don't know how to tell her I need to talk again. And I don't know what to do in the mean time. (Oh, and even though I said I do have friends, I really don't like bringing this stuff up with them. It only helps to talk it out, it never solves the problem, and that's what I want to do.)

EDIT:: I'm actually starting to wonder if maybe the mixed feelings towards my boyfriend could be because of my period? I'm currently taking a month break from the birth control pills, just to see, and so it's my first "real period"
in awhile. it hasn't actually started yet but I forgot how bad pms symptoms really are when I'm not on the pill. Could this explain it?

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you

Last edited by Jess~; September 8th 2017 at 05:03 AM.