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Jess~ Offline
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Name: jess
Age: 21
Gender: chick with an imaginary dick
Location: hell

Posts: 902
Blog Entries: 10
Join Date: November 26th 2012

Re: Everything's going downhill again - September 8th 2017, 07:35 PM

First I just want to say thank you so much for the response, it helped calm me down a lot.

I do want to talk to him about it, but I just don't want to hurt him or blame it on him. Even though he is the one who "forced" the relationship, I ultimately said yes, and even at the moment I said yes I knew it wasn't right, but I was just worried. I don't want to say I was worried of losing him because, as harsh as it sounds, I'm still don't really care if I lose him. But I think I didn't want to lose the potential that he represented. I knew dating him could go good or bad, and he made it seem like if I held off for too long he wouldn't stick around.
I honestly don't think he really would've cut me off or anything, I know he likes me. But he would say things about other girls to get me jealous or worried and then say, "What? I'm single, I can do whatever and not feel bad about it. If I was in a relationship it'd be different." I'm so used to being second-best that I think the idea of being left for someone else scared me, so maybe that's why I said yes?

Anyway, I don't know how to tell him that I don't have feelings for him and this is why I didn't want to rush. But if the moment ever comes up I'll tell him some of it.
Also, this is extremely selfish and I'm aware of it and I'm not going to let myself take advantage of him like this, but I kind of just appreciate having a boyfriend there because he sort of... I don't know how to say this right. I guess he helps me feel more financially stable. I don't think anyone could deny that having someone who is more than willing to buy you food and things is awesome. He's even paying for my gas today, because I'm driving out to go see him. It's not like I'm forcing him to buy me anything though, I really don't want to use him. But it is a reason that I feel glad to have him and I don't know if that's the healthiest thing to think.

I am definitely going to buy my own food when I have the money, along with a gym membership. But again, it'll probably be about a month before I get my first paycheck. I'll just have to deal with it until then.

I think I will contact my counselor and see what she can do. I guess part of me just feels embarrassed for not being able to take care of myself emotionally, yet again.
But thank you so much for the advice, I seriously do appreciate it.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you