[Chaos Theory]

Literally, I am definitely losing my sanity.

In my most honest opinion, I am a relatively nice person. I am willing to help anyone who seeks my help. I have helped many people with their homework and their various endeavor with life. I have done many acts of random kindness (Just today I helped someone to find and escort her way around our huge campus). I was a Boy Scout when I was a little boy, and I take the lesson of putting others before myself to heart. If there is anything I can do to even remotely improve someone's day, I will do so.

But lately, I have recurring thoughts of murdering, not myself, but other random people. I am angry, very angry. I hate my life, and now everyone else even if they have done no harm to me. I want to inflict untold pain and agony on random people, so they know what I have been through. I want the world to suffer. I want the world to be destroyed one day. I don't care if there is a hell and there is one reserve place for me. I don't care. I want everyone else to experience my sufferance. When has anyone considered my feeling? Why should I keep considering the feeling of others if everyone is going to step over me and ignore my existence? Why is the world like this to me, always bringing me down every day? This will be the way for me to get back at this cruel world.

The two problems I can identify is that, I have no friends, no one wants to speak to me, and stress from high academic expectation. Since I migrated to America, no one has really want to be my close friend. All of my "friend" have since abandoned me and seek "cooler" or "chiller" friends. One of my close friend single-handedly ruined my prom experience. I hate that. Some people used me to finish their homework and forget me afterwards. I am used for whatever purpose they see fit. I hate it, but what choice do I have? That, perhaps is the only social connection I have. Now that I am in college, I never talk to these people anymore. And no one bothers to see me as a human and befriend me. It is like I carry a contagious plague. No one likes me. No one welcomes my presence.

The only thing I know now, is that, everyone is evil, they seek to harm me in whatever ways they can.

I used to be physically punished when I was younger. One time I was slapped so hard my face was bleeding. And I want to deliver the same pain to everyone else.

I think I can safely assumed I am halfway going down to insanity.