[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Hey there,

I agree with the others; that is a very hard question.The abuse that I suffered through effected my life so immensely for so long. It was part of the reason I wanted to kill myself, it was a big part of the reason I didn't ever feel good enough, it was part of the reason I felt ugly and the list goes on.

However, if the abuse never occurred I wouldn't be the person I am today. The abuse made me more compassionate, understanding, caring and overall a good person. The abuse gave me a lot of good things. Without the abuse I really do not think I would be where I am today.

I would have probably never gone into the hospitals, I probably would have never developed an ED and I probably wouldn't have started Self Harming. All these negatives would seem more like reasons to take back the abuse but all these things make me who I am. They help me better understand myself and others. Most importantly, these coping skills and the abuse made me a fighter. I have never once truly given up on myself. The times I tried to kill myself were double sided. I figured that if I died that it was meant to be but if I didn't then it wasn't meant to be and I would get help. Never once did I ever quit fighting for my life, completely. And, I feel that the abuse I suffered is the reason for that will to survive.

The one thing I think I would change though is how long it took me to really remember what happened. The reason for this is because deep down I have always known that something happened but I never knew what. I knew I had been molested but I could not remember it or anything. If I would have figured this out sooner rather than later I might have gotten better sooner. I might not have had this last episode I did any ended up in an ED center.

But, in the end I would not change it because it has made me who I am today and as painful and scary as the experience was it has made me a better person.

Jenna