[HidingShame]

Thank You for advice. I agree, I do not believe I have DID, I've looked it up before, and I know in that case people are not aware of their other selves and even note loss of time from being in the other Identity. Whereas I am fully aware and I understand that Shawn is not a real person.
Unfortunately, I no longer see my therapist due to insurance complications, I can't afford it anymore. I know there are clinics where I can go for free, but I'm nearly 20, and I don't know if I feel comfortable in a teen clinic anymore. Especially, where I am from Teen Pregnancy rates are extremely high and I just feel like they have more important issues to worry about.
I don't know what to do to help...It's like every way I learn to cope with things is somehow the wrong way, you know? Sometimes, I see Shawn as an escape from being me just for a little while. That's what I mean by self-induced, I don't think there's some imbalance in my brain (aside from bipolar) because I sometimes will myself into the switch. Although, like you also mentioned about depersonalization, it scares me that I could lose myself to him, because the way I feel...It's like...sometimes without even thinking or willing myself into it, he comes when I'm feeling bad or lonely or scared, it's like I'm running away...but more like...being pulled away. I just don't want to completely lose me.