[thegirlnextdoor89]

So I'm 20 now and my brother is 25, and the worst is over; but I am just trying to find closure as to what happened in the past. When I was 9, it all started. My brother started getting physical during arguments and most of the time I would end up with a bruise on my arm or a black eye. We used to make "tattle sheets" while my mom was gone, explaining what the other sibling did and on many occasions he would take the list, crumple it up, and shove it down my throat. Then when we moved to my current house he started having mental issues and things got more intense. He would threaten to "beat me to a bloody pulp and kill me" and at first I would have to lock myself in rooms to keep him from hurting me. Then that stopped working when he would pick the lock or try and kick the door down. Things were worse when my mom wasn't home. One time I tried to call her for help and he found me and grabbed the phone and said to my mom "i'm going to kill her" with a sadistic grin on his face and he hung up the phone and disconnected it. As he went downstairs to disconnect the other phone, I ran outside barefoot and walked around the neighborhood until my mom came home. I had to do that alot. I had a safehouse (the neighbor's house) that I was supposed to go to, but I never did. I was too embarrassed because I usually was shaking and crying and I didn't have shoes on. If my mom was home, she would distract my brother and I would go hide underneath the seats in our van until she could come and drive me somewhere safe.
When I was 12 he went to jail for building a bomb to blow up his teacher (he did this while my parents were gone, I had to sneak the phone in the bathroom and call my parents and then the police+bomb squad came). After he got home (when I was about 14), things were better. We still had fights and sometimes he would hit me and call me a bitch or a whore but I missed him while he was gone so I would do anything to spend time with him. He drank alot and when he was drunk he would get innappropriate. He would show me porn and tell me that's what girls were supposed to look like and act like. And if we were watching movies with sex scenes he would tell me that if I heard noises to not turn around (because he was masturbating). When I was 16 he paid me to watch as he put something up his ass. I started getting drunk as well, because things were easier to handle that way. I drank everything away and now I'm in AA. Now that I don't have alcohol in my life, issues are starting to come up and I'm just trying to figure out what made me this way. I love my brother very much and I don't hold anything against him. I don't talk about this with anyone, because I know he never meant to hurt me and I think it would hurt him if he knew how much it affected me. But I just want to know if this was abuse or not.