hi hun,
you'll be glad to know, what you are doing and going through, is completly normal. i myself went through abuse from the age of 2 till i was 13. it is not easy, i know. but it is comforting and therapeutic to go back tobeing a kid. hence why i work well in childcare. the kids love me and i get great comments and reccomendations from the other staff. so it can be a good thing. you can just look at it in a positive way. you are NOT insane. you are a normal human being. the reason for it is, that you do in some sense lose your childhood. because you spend your childhood, as you mentioned, being on the lookout. you have to grow up quick. keep big adult secrets. handle soo much on your own, etc. hope ive helped in some way.
take care. if you'd like to talk
pm me.
xx