Originally Posted by Dyingtolive
Ok so when I was little like 4 or 5 my cousin who is 5 years older than me always made me have sex with him... But he was my older cousin who I looked up to so much and idolized so when he asked me to I said yes cuz I didn't wanna let him down and that's what cousins did for each other...or so he told me... Well long story short, he made me have sex with him like at least once a month for about 3 years I'm guestimating.... But he kinda forced it on me but I never fought it... So does that mean it wasn't abuse cuz he was so close in age with me and I didn't fight it... Like in a way maybe I was leasing him on.... But I remember bragging to friends about it cuz I thought it was what adults did and it was normal... But it's like I had always looked at it as like "hey I'm so adult I had sex before everyone..." but I just recently had a friend tell me she was raped as a kid and it got me thinking as to whether or not what happened to me was rape or molestation or whatever u call it... But yeahh I'm just like so confused about it all and I'm looking back on it now and realizing how wrong it really was but the whole idea of it is so confusing to me right now...
It's very confusing when it comes to situations like this. When you're a kid, however, five years is a big diffence. If it went on for three years, it would have been taking place around the time you were eight and he was thirteen. A thirteen year old is obviously a lot more mature than an eight year old and it is too old to be able to put it down to 'kids being kids'. At thirteen you are old enough to know that having sex with your eight year old cousin is wrong.
You are 15 now. Think back to two years ago. How does the idea of having a sexual experience with an eight year old sound? Disgusting and wrong I'm sure, as it would most 13 year olds.
Saying things like 'that's what good cousins do for each other' is obviously manipulative language which makes it sound like he very much knew what he was doing. It's hard to tell from your writing, because I'm not sure what 'kinda forced it on you' really entails, but if he did then clearly, it's rape.
When did it stop, and why? Those are important questions. What is your relationship with your cousin like now? Are you in a position to ask him about it? If you choose to do that, make sure there are people around in case anything gets out of hand.
It would be wise of you to talk about this to someone. Ideally it would be your parents. If that's not an option (I can see why it would be uncomfortable) maybe a school councillor? Best of luck.