[katiewithasmile(:]

All throughout my life I have never been overweight in my life. I was always the smaller one in my family. I was never super tiny or huge, I was just somewhere in the middle. My weight never seemed to bother me until sometime when I was in highschool. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable with the way my body appeared or worrying about whether or not guys looked at me. To me, it was all about the numer that flashed when I stepped on the scale. I'm about 5'3" and my junior and senior year I weighed [EDITED]. I knew this weight wasn't heavy I just didn't like that it was so close to [EDITED]. All throughout these two years, this number issue was always in the back of my head, I wasn't too obsessed with it at first becase generally I just pushed it away. This changed however when I started dating the guy I'm with now. He was never critical of my body and never anything about me needing to drop weight. He actually told me on a pretty regular basis that he liked my body. However, this obsession came about where I had to feel like I had to be smaller than him. Even though he was nowhere close to my size. I just felt as if, I wanted to be tiny. Everytime I remotely mentioned this to anyone, they would think of it as a cry for attention, I've never been one to be a "attention whore" in fact those kind of people actually drove me crazy. So I started to keep these thoughts to myself even though it was really unhealthy. I never mentioned this to him because I know this would just upset him, we were always very close and he has always been concerned about my well being and my health. Anyway, these thoughts stayed in my head on a day to day basis and it slowly started to effect me. Very slowly I started to eat less and less. I never went a full day without eating, but some days I would eat very little. I told myself this had nothing to do with being anorexic that I just wasn't hungry. Because, the less and less I would eat the less I would get hungry and the less I would crave food. Everyday I would weigh myself and every day my weight would stay the same, for awhile. Since my weight was the same, I told myself that I wasn't anorexic that my appetite was just changing because of the changes I was going through in my life. I eventually stopped weighing myself all together but kept up with my eating habits and my obession with being small. Around July just a month after I stepped on the scale again, when I looked down, I realized I weighed [EDITED]. I was excited that I was actually dropping weight and I told myself it was because I was out and about so much. I became upset when people did not start noticing the weight change so I would constantly bring it up that I had dropped the [EDITED] pounds. Since I knew I wasn't big to begin with, I pretending like it wasn't something I was excited about, nor something I really wanted. When this was said, they would say to reassure me, "well that's okay, I don't really see a difference anyway" this cut to me deep because I wanted it to look different and I wanted people to notice the change so badly. So my cycle continued and continued, I would drop a few pounds and would brag nobody would notice and it would continue. This went on until I got to about [EDITED]. People finally started noticing my weightloss and instead of being happy they became concerned about my health. I falsely assured them that I had no idea why I dropped so much weight that it must have been because all the changes I was going through with graduating and getting a job. I kept saying this until they eventually backed off. However even though I am now at EDITED people are still obsessing over how small I am. It drives me crazy when people ask me when I have an eating disorder and I become very offeneded. But instead of appearing offended I just say "yeah by the way I'm anorexic, I starve myself on a daily basis." That way they would see how ridiculious they were being and would fuck off. Since people were starting to notice I slowly started to eat more and more, my weight for the first time in months stayed at a solid [EDITED]. My boyfriend becomes very concerned about how small I am, so I try to convince him that I'm trying to gain weight. However, in my head I still wish I could be at [EDITED]. That thought is still in the back of my head. It's not in there as much as it used to be, but it's still there. It's just this obsession I have with being small. I don't know why I want to be small, it's just somthing I obsess over. Do I have an eating disorder? Opinions please.