Hey. I'm happy to help, because I can understand the whole "what is my gender?", -I was the same way, and still am. I like "girly" clothing, but I'm much more laid back.
Anyways, Gender is the way you feel. If you feel that you'll be happier male, than that's just who you are. The last part, expecially the part of not being loved ever again. There are people who understand, and Thomas Beatie (Better known as the pregnant man) was FTM, and he has a family. Don't worry to much about it, it's the love, not the gender.
There is such thing as gay FTM's (I happen to be a pansexual, so... sexuality can have minor ties with gender, because I regognize the lack of one gender in myself and in others).
I'm sorry if I haven't been the most help, and if you ever want to talk, just
PM me.
-G.