Smoke or Self Harm? -
April 10th 2012, 10:18 PM
I havenít self harmed that much in the past 10 months, Iíve tried my best to stop. I havenít been completely successful but I have only had a few episodes, the last one being about 3 months ago. Iím pretty happy about this and really proud of myself! I used to cut myself 3 or 4 times a day and now itís once every 3 or 4 months!
However Iíve encountered a problem :/ At the end of December I took up smoking more seriously and mainly as a way to cope with not self harming. At first it was less than a cigarette a week. But it wasnít until my friend drew attention to it that I noticed I now smoke more like 3 cigarettes a week. Now 3 cigarettes a week isnít that much but itís enough to make me realise that smoking is pretty important to me now. I am incredibly emotionally dependent on smoking. I carry cigarettes with me everywhere Ė like I used to do with blades. When Iíve had a bad day theyíre the first thing I reach for. I'm scared of running out. Essentially Iíve replaced an addiction to self harm with a more socially acceptable addiction to cigarettes.
I promised myself when I started smoking that I wouldnít let myself get addicted. But canít see how I can stop smoking and not go back to self harm. Itís either smoke or cut myself. I know neither are healthy ways of coping but surely self harm is actually better for me. It doesnít carry such great risks of long term health problems.
I really donít know what to do. Okay I know what I should do. I should stop smoking and find a healthy coping mechanism. But I donít want to do that. I donít want to stop smoking and I donít want to give up on the idea that I could return to self harm. I need something to give me that rush and release.
Sorry for rambling so much! Any advice/suggestions?
We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think its forever