[Faye.]

I haven’t self harmed that much in the past 10 months, I’ve tried my best to stop. I haven’t been completely successful but I have only had a few episodes, the last one being about 3 months ago. I’m pretty happy about this and really proud of myself! I used to cut myself 3 or 4 times a day and now it’s once every 3 or 4 months!

However I’ve encountered a problem :/ At the end of December I took up smoking more seriously and mainly as a way to cope with not self harming. At first it was less than a cigarette a week. But it wasn’t until my friend drew attention to it that I noticed I now smoke more like 3 cigarettes a week. Now 3 cigarettes a week isn’t that much but it’s enough to make me realise that smoking is pretty important to me now. I am incredibly emotionally dependent on smoking. I carry cigarettes with me everywhere – like I used to do with blades. When I’ve had a bad day they’re the first thing I reach for. I'm scared of running out. Essentially I’ve replaced an addiction to self harm with a more socially acceptable addiction to cigarettes.

I promised myself when I started smoking that I wouldn’t let myself get addicted. But can’t see how I can stop smoking and not go back to self harm. It’s either smoke or cut myself. I know neither are healthy ways of coping but surely self harm is actually better for me. It doesn’t carry such great risks of long term health problems.

I really don’t know what to do. Okay I know what I should do. I should stop smoking and find a healthy coping mechanism. But I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to stop smoking and I don’t want to give up on the idea that I could return to self harm. I need something to give me that rush and release.

Sorry for rambling so much! Any advice/suggestions?