[sphynx]

I'm going to respond as the "best friend." I hope you don't mind...

How would you react if you found out one of your best friend self harms?

I had one friend who reacted in anger, another who reacted in shock. Both met me with questions, both with curiosity, but eventually, one opted out of wanting to know anything about it. Different people react differently, and there's nothing wrong with these reactions (all emotions are valid, and, in this case, a little bit justified); what matters is how you respond, and I think it's important you exercise the self-control to not take the emotions surrounding your friend's SH out on your friend. Meet her with generous support, as much as you feel ready and able to give, not "tough love." Another thing I can recommend to you is not to treat her any differently. She's still your friend, and I think I'd much rather be met with anger and a sharp commentary than having someone completely alter the way they act and talk around me based on what I'm going through.

Would you ask them about it, such as why they do it?

I never really liked the questions. True enough, I imparted the information. These people had never SH'ed before, one had even made tactless comments in the past, so I figured they were bound to have questions. But I was only willing to be so open for so long. Sometimes the questions get tiring, and they can, occasionally, be quite frustrating. For example, I was never able to give them a "why," and questions of "Why can't I get you to stop?" stung me a lot more than I could describe; I didn't like feeling responsible for their hurt or their feelings of inadequacy, and such questions often made me regret "opening my goddamn trap." However, check-ins never bothered me. A simple "How are you doing?" or "How's your legs?" made me feel cared about without feeling trapped into giving information. It opened up the opportunity for spilling what I felt I needed to share, or I could answer simplistically and in not so many words.

Where do I go from here?

I would encourage you to encourage her to talk to someone. The best thing my one friend (my continuous support) could ever have done for me was "push" me into getting help. Though the emotional support was important, and I feel necessary, to my taking that initial step onto the path of recovery, there's an additional sense of support one can gain through working with a therapist or a psychologist, someone who's knowledgeable and qualified to deal with what your friend is going through. Perhaps you could offer to hold her hand through the process of getting that added support. If she doesn't do it alone, something you might want to consider is doing it for her. She may very well be angry with you, but in the long-run, chances are she'll be thanking you. Once so pissed off at my friend for even suggesting I needed help, I now feel forever indebted to him for inspiring me to find what I always knew I needed but didn't know how to get.

Remember that she needs to stop for her; what she does bears no weight on you. Also know that the best thing you can do for someone is be there, and actively listen to them. Good luck, and hugs to you.

xo Claire