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HealingandHoping Offline
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Name: Izzy
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Location: Ohio

Posts: 13
Join Date: December 22nd 2012

I want to be happy - December 22nd 2012, 02:25 AM

Sorry I hate to be negative, but I just need to vent a little...

When I was younger, I had health issues. To sum it up, I couldn't control my movements. At school, I stood out, and it's hard to make friends when you stand out. I could never do any other activities outside of school as an outlet because I'd go off pacing or moving my arms. Long story short, it greatly affected my life.

Through hypnotherapy, I've learned to keep this under control, but by then I was in high school. When you're bullied that long over something you can't control, your self esteem drops. My self image was so bad that my parents eventually put me on anti-depressants and therapy.

I was considering high school when an idea struck me-if I transfered, no one had to know of my past. How hard could it be to act like a normal teenager? To make a group of decent friends and not be labeled as an 'outcast'? So I transferred...

To an all-girl high school. There are about 30 girls per grade.

At first, I liked it. I had transferred at a bad time-there was an unusually large amount of drama going on at the school to the point where they had to pull all of the girls in my grade out of class for a long anti-bullying speech and send us on a retreat. However, towards the end of the year I found myself finding people I could actually call my friends. Except with my luck, the drama was enough to make them transfer, and the group dissinegrated. I only kept in contact with one of the girls who transferred.

My depressions back. It hit me in full force when a girl whom I hadn't talked to since she transferred, but still considered a friend, came to visit the school. I said hello, happy to see her, but she responded by briefly looking at me then ignoring me. I realized then that she probably never considered me her friend.

Hardly anyone likes me. I can count the people who do on one hand. At my old school, I've become out of site, out of mind to the few people I thought I was close to. My "best friend" won't talk to me now that she has her boyfriend to talk to. At my new school, I feel like a loner. I have acquaintances, but I know I annoy them when I follow them around at school events. I only got to know two people out of the entire color guard for an all boy school's marching band, and the one I thought I was close was going to be my roommate at Disney Land. She changed her mind at the last minute and I feel betrayed.

As my dad was taking me to color guard practice, for it was snowing hard and not safe enough for me to drive myself, we were talking about me transferring to a bigger private school where I knew a few people. He told me that I had no friends at public school and no friends at private school, therefore transferring wasn't going to change my situation. There was nothing wrong with the circumstances at school, there was something wrong with me. Which I knew all along of course. When you grow up with a health condition which everyone bullies you for, you never learn to be social. So, I can't blame anyone for not wanting to be my friend. I probably wouldn't want to be my friend either- I'm too awkward to be much fun.

I wish I knew how to talk to people.

I wish I knew how to be fun to be around.

I don't want to kill or harm myself. I just want this pain to stop.