[Raining Glitter]

Hey everyone. I know I haven't been on here in ages, and I'm deeply sorry for that. This semester has been the most awful semester of my life. It continues to get worse. Anyways, onto topic.

Last night... I got sexually assaulted/acquaintance raped by one of my very close guyfriends. This is a guy who I was hoping to date next semester, once my life calms down. He knew I liked him but we had several talks and put up boundaries because I cannot handle dating someone right now. He is someone who told me I could trust him. He told me that he'll help me through my newly discovered trauma from my abusive home life. He was my friend. He was my first kiss. He made me feel so amazing...

Last night, after work, I went to his dorm and watched a movie. We cuddled like normal. The movie ended and we turned off the lights and cuddled like normal. Several hours later, things got sketchy. I think he thought I was asleep. His hands went from rubbing my waist/upper body to groping my butt-something he never did before. I was actually okay with that because it was still outside my sweatpants.

But then his hands started slipping inside my sweatpants and underwear, on my butt side. He starts groping me in my pants. He knew that was completely breaking one of my boundaries. He would constantly re-position me, move my body around, as if I'm a rag doll, so he could get better grip on me. He then also started dry humping me (me facing him) while groping me like that. He continued to do that and then even pulled my underwear and sweatpants down under my butt (the front was still fine) and grope me like that underneath the blanket.

Another thing he did was position my face/mouth so not only was it against his face, but my lips touching his. He knew very well I am not ready to continue kissing. We agreed to it verbally: even had a long discussion about it. But here he was, assuming I was asleep, forcing my face to face his (I'd adjust away and he'd re-grab my phase every time) and try to kiss me, get his tongue into my mouth. I'd "accidentally" nearly bite his tongue and that would get him to stop for a bit.

He also tried to position me so he could have his face against my boobs. Too bad for him I wore a crappy bra and I'm flat chested to begin with (and also had a t-shirt on) so he gave up on that quick.

He never went inside me though. But he presumed I was asleep the whole time. He never said my name or talked to me during it. He never asked. It's weird because normally he would ask.

The bad part is, I just laid there like a log and let him. I thought I'd always be the one who puts guys in place. But it's like he was one of my best guyfriends... Someone who I liked. Last time something similar to this happened, he begged me to go along with it & kept pressuring me. I didn't say anything about it this time. If I made a fuss, his roommate was also in the room. That would cause more drama. I didn't want him to get in trouble, he's my friend and he's been there for me in ways that I had never had someone there for me before... If his roommate found out, he would probably tell all the guys in his lit society, which would cause a big scene and drama, definitely since I do not want the whole campus to know about this, whether people defended me or not.

Plus, I wanted to see how far he'd take it and thought I'd stop him at a certain point. It's confusing though what he did and everything it kinda hurts me a lot. He's suppose to be my friend. He was not acting like one. If you need to whip someone around the bed like a rag doll, I'm pretty sure she's not consenting.

I talked to him today about it. He says he doesn't remember any of it... He claims he did it in his sleep. This may be a possibility; I know there is a sleeping disorder where you behave sexual activities while asleep. But he could be lying... Even if it is the sleeping disorder and it was out of control, I'm still hurt and damaged from it. He acted like "oopsies" today. He said he won't let it happen again... The thing is, if it was the sleeping disorder, it is out of his control and he needs help in order to prevent it from happening again. If it is not the sleeping disorder, he fucking lied to me and used me. He does know better. No "Oh, I know well" because it's fucking common sense that you do not treat another person, let a lone a female friend, like that.

He keeps acting now like everything is back to normal, ect. He thinks I'll still be with him next semester. No. I don't care the true reasoning behind what happened, I cannot be in a romantic relationship anymore. He knows I have fucking trauma from the abuse at home. He knows I'm unstable and can't handle a relationship right now and he agreed to not invade my boundaries. But he kept pushing me and I fucking let him in. I never cuddled like that with someone... and now he took it too far without my consent. This is exactly why I wanted to avoid relationship right now! I have enough shit to deal with! I gave it a fucking try and he took advantage of me, just like every other guy it seems. I can't handle this and I'm exactly where what I feared I'd be. I was fucking right and I hate it.

Guys, I have no clue what to do. It's the end of the semester and I'm already late on my assignment but I can't focus and it's awful with everything. I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to limit my time with him, which I know he won't be happy about... But whatever he can go kneel over in a ditch for all I care right now. I don't want to report him. It wouldn't be a strong enough report to begin with, and well I think maybe he'll learn his lesson from this. It's not worth the drama because the whole campus would find out and ugh...

It sucks because he's my friend and associated with my minor and I'll have to deal with him for the next three years. I can't believe he did this to me. I needed support, not more assault and abuse. Why is my life keep getting worse?