[Rivière]

I spent 2-3 hours writing 11 sides of a letter asking for your help and trying te help you understand me better. Then you write to me something completely unneeded and misunderstood all because you read a name. I'm aware of what and who they are but you misunderstand the concept of what I was trying to say and then to say if I ever turned that way you'd knock me around the room. Our mother-daughter relationship is already suffering and you want to lay that on me? You asked me how I felt. Here is how I feel. I feel that no matter what I do for you will ever be good enough. I try and tell you how I feel but it gets misunderstood and you say things like that to me and you hide your words of anger behind little x's and smiley faces. I might not be the best daughter in the world and my ability to express myself is awful but at least I try to remain aware of sensitvity. What you wrote to me was insensitive, hurtful and heartbreaking. I won't want a mother that treats me as if we were in a military bootcamp, I want a mother who isn't aggressive and angry, who doesn't hold onto the past and can't move forward, who doesn't take it out on me and certainly is a lot more sensitive and tactful but most of all, understanding. You once asked me why I prefer to talk to a counsellor than you. Well that's why. I realise now mum, that I will never be able to talk to you properly because I will never be able to get the type of mum I could hope for. The type of mum who is gentle and doesn't walk off and abandon me when she feels like it. The type of mum who sits and listens to me and doesn't walk off. The type of mum that understands that I cannot talk under the effects of a severe depressive mood. The type of mum that wouldn't keep trying to force me to speak and then get angry at me when I don't. I spent a lot of time blaming nan for a lot of the ways that I am and I now realise how unfair I've been. Sure she was horrible and hurtful but you are the one that hurts me the most. This family is like a bag of magnets. I feel like me and you, we're both the N faces facing each other. We're never going to get along unless one of us makes a full change around. I'm doing my best to change here. Asking to return to counselling to prevent a relapse. Asking for your help. Emailing an anonymous online helpline because I fear relapse so bad at the moment. I'm too tired of all of this anymore. Too tired of all these problems between us. I'm trying hard to change. On and by the way, I even got an appointment with the doctor for next Wednesday. If I told you, you'd probably start saying how whatever I say will go down on my medical file and so on. Or try and stop me going. Sorry I never told you sooner. I much preferred you didn't poke fun at me for being independent.

I should have listened when the friends I had, told me to see a doctor. But no, I listened to my family above my friends. Did what I thought was right. I should have listened to them but now they're gone too. Doesn't matter anymore, does it? No matter how hard I try to get better you'll only shoot me down. No more getting influenced. I will do what I want to do. I will go to this doctor and I will get better. This is not up for discussion. That is how it is and that is how it will be.

Wow that was long.