How to Tell a Loved One of Your Self-Harm
By Kyra (Viridian)
Self-harm is often a private matter, regardless of the form, and letting someone in on something so personal is never easy. Feeling unsure where to start, even when wanting to tell someone such as a family member, partner or friend is not at all unusual. Many self-harmers are afraid of telling someone for fear of them ‘freaking out’ on them in the case of a parent, a breakup in the case of a partner, or abandonment if it’s a friend. Here are several steps one may consider taking to help make it easier on the self-harmer and the loved one in question.
The first step one might take is figuring out what to say. Once that's done, the next step is deciding how to say it. If nervous or afraid of talking to a loved one, writing a letter might be considerably easier than asking to talk to them. Letters have the advantage of allowing expression fully, without the risk of getting too nervous halfway through a conversation. A few pros to this choice is that there is more room to pick and choose what to say, and more time to think and prepare. If one does not wish to write a letter, pulling the loved one aside and saying, “I have something to talk to you about when you have a moment,” is as good a first step. Some pros to this option are that when speaking face-to-face, emotions can clearly be seen. It is sometimes hard to tell how a person is feeling through words on a paper, and by choosing to speak directly to the person, emotions, facial expressions, and body language are easier to control.
The second step is to remain calm. Panicking will mean that things might be forgotten or "second guessed" whereas if you are calm, the atmosphere is less tense, and the conversation may feel easier to begin and get through. If the loved one has become angry or upset, and the situation is starting to get heated, remaining calm will help ensure it doesn’t escalate any further.
If a loved one is a reason for the self-harm, it may seem tempting to point the finger at them. There are ways to tell them they have a part in it without laying direct blame. Constructive words such as, “I feel like [this] when you do [this],” or “When you say [this] to me, I feel [this],” are not seen as accusatory because it doesn’t sound like saying the person intended to make you feel that way. It also allows taking ownership of the way one feels. Expressions such as, “You make me feel [this],” “You do [this] to me,” may not be taken very well, as the person may feel accused and get defensive, which may make it harder for them to listen. Even if the loved one is not the reason, using constructive statements throughout your conversation may help it to run more smoothly.
Unfortunately, it is impossible to control anyone’s reactions to things that are said. The loved one may demand to see the self-injury or confiscate the tools if any are present. Many self-harmers are uncomfortable showing their self-harm, and may not want to part with what they use. In this case, it may be useful to discuss setting appropriate boundaries. If there is some discomfort with something that someone is asking of you, tell them. On the other hand, the loved one may not act this way. Many people are less judgmental than we might think, and instead will react with love and support. Most conversations do not turn out the way we fear they will. Regardless, they choose how they feel, and in no way are you responsible for how they react, positive or negative.
It is important to be honest. It is much better to tell the truth than to tell a lie, no matter how hard it is. Letting someone in on a very personal part of one's life should not be expected to easy. Breathe, stay calm, and be honest and constructive.
There are many steps you can take to tell a loved one of your self-harm, but these are some that may make it easier on everyone involved. In many cases, it's important and may be helpful, but that does not mean it is easy. Remember, recovery is a process that should not be rushed, but instead, taken one day at a time.