[Ennui.]

Hey there,

It's not your fault that you are self harming and I don't think you are doing it out of self pity. You are probably using it as a way to cope with what's going on, but I can tell you that it really isn't a good way to cope. You may think you are in control, and maybe you are for the moment, but eventually the urges take over and it becomes more than what you think. The urges happen when you may not want them to, or they just get too strong to bear, or the self harm may get worse. Besides that, self harm causes other problems such as the risk of infection, or having to worry about hiding it from those you don't want to know. Also, the problems you are facing just come back because you aren't really doing anything to solve them. These are healthier, safer ways to cope.

You said your parents don't understand you, but have you ever tried speaking to them about what you feel? Maybe you can at least compromise with them. For example, if one thing they are protective over is you going out of the house, you can tell them that you'll call them when you get there, or that they will be the ones to drop you off, or that you'll have a curfew. Let them know that you are almost an adult and almost going off to college, and you really would like the opportunity to get some life experiences and learn on your own before you head off.

As far as friends, sometimes you do have to put yourself out there, even if it is difficult. You may have to make the first move but that doesn't mean nobody wants to be your friend. You can join clubs, social groups, and sports teams in school and around town so you can meet people with common interests. The common interest can be a good conversation starter for you so you can befriend someone.

I'm really sorry about the guy that stopped talking to you, though. I think that I'd be pretty hurt about that too! Remember that time does heal all wounds and this is something that is fresh in your mind still. Try and focus on other things for now, such as hobbies or other interests, so you can get your mind off of him. You can meet other friends online as well. TeenHelp is a really great place to do so. Maybe you can check out the Chat Room!

Starving yourself or purging aren't good ways to cope either, because they can lead to more health problems. You need the nutrients from food in order to stay healthy, and without the nutrients, you will feel weak and not really have the energy to go about your day. Making yourself throw up can also cause other problems such as esophageal problems and dental problems. If you truly need to lose weight, it's best to do it through healthy means such as changing what, and how much you eat, as well as incorporating exercise into your routine. If you need help with that, you can always ask a doctor or nutritionist, who will be able to tell you what you can do to stay healthy.

It may help to work on your self esteem, too. For example, if the thought "I am fat" comes to mind, replace it with a positive thought. For instance, if you like your eyes, you can even say "I have nice eyes" when a thought about your weight comes up, or a good thing about your personality. List all of the things you and your friends like about you, physically and personality wise, as a reminder that you ARE wonderful. Write down any accomplishments you make (even getting out of bed on a day when you really don't want to) as a reminder that you can achieve anything. Write down or print out encouraging quotes and pictures to remind yourself you CAN do it.

Just because other people have problems, though, doesn't mean that yours are any less valid and deserve any less support. It shouldn't be about whose problems are "worse," it should be about "these issues are important to me, and they deserve recognition." You deserve support through this.

Maybe you can speak with a teacher, guidance counselor, school nurse, therapist, doctor, coach or club adviser, religious leader, other family member like an aunt/uncle or grandparent, or other adult you trust about this. There will be people out there that will be willing to help you cope with everything that is going on in better ways, and even help you improve some of the things going on such as your self esteem. It is worth getting support about.

Keep your head held high, stay strong, and keep fighting. The bad things won't last forever, remember. There is always something that makes this all worthwhile.

-Dez