[mindflower]

Listen carefully.

You don't know my life, and I'm not going to let you in any more than I have. Not because I hate you or anything, actually just the opposite. I love you more than anything else on the planet, no the fucking universe, you are every single star and planet and atom of oxygen to me. But I'm terrified of you yet because you took away my air and you took away the night sky and you took away my safety and I'm suffocating so much but I'm going to put on a smile for you because I don't want you to know how badly I'm doing. I hate myself in and out, all of the time, and its... its exhausting. Its not because of you, I'm not the type that falls apart because of a breakup. But you know, you were one of the only things that kept me out of trouble, one of the only things that got me out of bed in the morning. And now I don't sleep at night and I sell myself off to other guys who don't treat me right and I'm cutting myself again after months of being clean, and I'm so lost. I don't think I can take being this monster trapped in an artificial body any longer. This world... is so busy, and so vast, and sometimes its beautiful, and I've really been gifted to have this life... but I don't deserve it. I am in constant torture, I don't see a single ounce of good left. I don't deserve to be a pile of misfit shit in this world of perfect things. And the world, the people I have and the situations I'm in, none of it deserves me. I fuck everything up and I am a burden on human life, and everything, every single thing, especially your life, would be and would have been better if I was not part of it. I am not angry, I am not happy, I am not regretful or angsty or drunk, I feel only numbness, hopelessness, and pity for everyone who has to deal with me. I have decided not to feel anything anymore, because I was stripped of my feelings and my control of them, I do not give a flying fuck what happens to me anymore. I try my best to sit on the sidelines and put on a lifeless face and let other people go about their lives without me screwing them up. Yet it sucks because people are still sad and they come to me with their problems, YOU came to me with your problems and I've swallowed all of mine for the good of everyone else but really I'm tired of choking on my issues. I will not let them out and I will not make more of a mess than I already have, but inside I'm going to continue to flood and to erupt and I swear to you there is no getting better for me, I am not okay, and you will never care, nor will you ever know.