[AeonycRiot]

So I just turned 18 last month, just started driving a few weeks ago, and I started college last week. And after a certain embarrassing "incident" I had this Monday, I've felt so anxious about going to school, driving, or even leaving the house.

Before I go any further, I just wanna say that even though I have been a little bit introverted most of my life(I do spend alot of time at home since I'm a gamer, but I don't mind making friends, and I'm not fond of being alone, so it's never been too bad), I don't think I've ever had serious social anxiety, so right now I'm not sure if I really have it or not.

Anyway, just to clarify on this incident that happened on Monday, I'm a new driver. I got my learner's permit late in my senior year of high school, and I got my actual license just a few weeks ago. Until then, my dad would always ride with me since I still only had a permit. And he would correct me on my mistakes, and give me tips whenever I would encounter an awkward situation. However, this Monday was my second day driving on my own, and it was also my second day to college. My last class of the day let out early, and I ended up being able to go home about 40 minutes early. I do have to pass through alot of highschool/elementary school zones on the route I take to get to my university. And since I got out early, I ended up passing through one of the school zones right when all the kids were getting let out. There was a policeman directing traffic in front of the school. And of course, since this was my second real day of driving alone, I had no experience driving through crossing guard areas. When I saw him, I panicked, and for some reason, I assumed that he was signaling for me to go, even though he probably wasn't. I passed him at a slow speed, thinking that it was okay simply because I didn't know any better and was panicking, and he immediately stopped me and started chewing me out. I apologized left and right and explained that I was a new driver and that I had never been through a crossing guard before. He let out a huge sigh and just told me to forget about it and go, then I rushed home after that.

I'm not really sure why, but the first two days after that incident, I was really tense and I felt like I had some sort of mental problem. Maybe it was because I was afraid he would give me a ticket, or maybe it was because I'd never been yelled at so angrily before, and it just really shook me up. Whenever I would recall the man's voice, I would just cringe and start having a panic-attack. It was all I could think about. I don't think about it as much as I have been, but now I feel alot worse in general. The ordeal has made me think alot about how my life is going to change now that I can drive and I'm in college. My parents suggested that I switch from commuting to living in the dorms next year, and it sounded fun at first. But after this week, it sounds terrifying. I'm just afraid of anything that involves having to be out on my own and take care of myself.

I never realized that I was so faint-of-heart and that I scare so easily. I started thinking about the future and what it would be like living on my own. I just don't even want to do it for some reason. I just want to stay at home where my comfort zone is. Every day that I have to go out, I get anxious because I feel like I'll run the risk of running into another scary awkward situation, like running into another angry policeman, in which case I can't just use the "Sorry, I'm just an inexperienced kid who doesn't know any better." excuse any more because I can drive myself around now and I'm technically an adult, being 18 and all. So I'm SUPPOSED to know better at this point. But apparently I don't because I'm socially inept and panicky. I'm even afraid that I won't meet up to my college professors' expectations and all. Even if I am at home, I can't relax or do anything without thinking about the next time I'll have to go somewhere.

I don't know what I'm supposed to think of myself right now. I wanna tell myself that it will be alright, but I'm pretty sure it's not alright to be 18, to be in college, yet to be timid, scared, and afraid of going out and interacting with people, in fear of being yelled at, or punished, or forced into an awkward situation. I just feel like such a kid.