[Paint]

I've noticed that over half of my friendships are toxic. I sometimes question whether I'm the problem because I struggle with depression and depersonalization-derealization (which is a disorder that makes it very difficult to leave my house most days, it's almost like agoraphobia). Sometimes I think that I'm the reason a lot of my friendships have become so toxic but when I think about it: I'm not happy around my friends. I have a large group of Christian friends, half of which condemned my dead grandfather because he wasn't a Christian. I've sat through their side of opinions for months and months and I just don't get along with them. I mean I of course don't mind having friends with different religious or political views as me, but it becomes very bad when my friends don't like me for who I am.

The next group of friends I have is the users - we all have them. I've been one of those people too. But I have friends who pretty much want nothing to do with me until they need something or want to talk to me about their problems because they know I'll listen.

I have very few friends that understand my depression and depersonalization (if any at all) and I just don't like myself when I'm with my friends.

But here's the thing: I struggle with MAJOR guilt issues. I have stayed in SO many abusive relationships out of guilt. I am very bad at ending friendships. It's one of the hardest things. I end up being very nice and very fake around my friends and I HATE having to be fake.

How do I make new friends and ditch the old? Talking to my old friends won't do anything, they already know how I feel but through manipulation and using my guilt against me, they keep bringing themselves back into my life.