Thread: Triggering (Suicide): Depression Issues
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Name: M
Age: 26
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Depression Issues - April 12th 2015, 01:58 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have recently posted here about my anxiety issues, but another aspect of my issues lately is my depression, which has been affecting me more than ever. I am not motivated to do anything but lay around. I don't even get up to eat much. I am not motivated to create music (I've always done so, I mainly play synthesizer but I have had absolutely NO interest in it and even less interest in composing anything...right now that seems like a major pain..and it never really has before). My plan in life is to be a musician. I would like to be a lawyer or do something with computer science too, but music is really where my heart lies and I constantly feel like I'll never ever get there if I refuse to involve myself now. I've played key instruments (piano, organ, keyboards, synth) since I was 6. I quit lessons when I was around 13 or so, but kept up self-teaching. I was tired of being classically trained and wanted to branch out to other genres. I never finished piano lessons like I wanted to. If I finished, I would be able to be certified to teach, and I wasn't that far off (about 4-5 years). I feel horrible about this. If I want to be a musician, why do I quit everything? How do I expect to get anywhere if I sit at home and refuse to finish lessons, practice, etc? I used to study Musical Theory too, but I quit that along with lessons. I honestly feel useless, as if I cannot even put my negative energy into music like I should be. I am wasting away here in a bedroom, feeling weak and sore from anxiety and unmotivated from depression and tired and unable to do anything. I don't see a point in living like this. I already have so much anxiety, and on top of it there is always so much more. I want to actually do something in life related to music, and I refuse to toss it aside in order to focus on law. I passed my last law course with a 97%, it was university preparation. Most people failed the class entirely. But to me, it's a mark, it's my mind. Sure, I am intelligent, I am well aware of this, but that doesn't fix the fact that I am unmotivated in everything else. I can learn and complete assignments but I am finding no motivation or ability to create. I have a very expensive professional synthesizer my parents paid a ton for, that's sitting in the corner doing nothing. I find my focus is so bad too. I also am not writing, and I always used to write poetry and stories, and I am finding I just have no focus or dedication anymore. I find myself interested in any of these things for 5 minutes before I just feel like going on my phone and laying down. I don't even know anymore. I don't do ANYTHING with myself or my life, I feel like I may as well die so I don't have to live with the regret of quitting everything and never completely anything.