[Mister Sloth]

WARNING: Giant wall of text is an understatement.

I am a male aged 15. I will not provide any more information as it could identify me. It has been 6 months since I have been free of self harm or suicidal thoughts. Not all is well, however. Though I physically live, It seems as if my mind threw in the towel regardless of my conscious choice to live. Now, my issue is not laziness, it is counter-productivity, doing useless things with no long term benefit instead of core tasks. In a way, an extreme form of procrastination in which I expend all my energy into useless things.

I may still be clinically depressed as I am not a psychiatrist who can define my condition, but I am certainly healthier than I used to be. The feelings of worthlessness and despair have been replaced with a neutrality that won't be shifted. I have not laughed nor cried for the entire 6 months; my emotions are all but lost other than restlessness and paranoia.

When I was very young I was a brilliant child getting straight A-grades in every subject (Except sport) and I had a reasonable number of friends. Now I retain this "brilliance" to a certain extent but have lost interest in school. I hate the way they teach. I became impatient with the education system and stopped trying, being mixed in with a bunch of bullies, idiots and stereotypes, some of whom would just not leave me alone, was too much for me and honestly one of the main roots of my depression. I have taken an interest in a topic not taught at school and I have the resources to refine my skills and potentially make money, but I have absolutely no motivation.

Knowing that if I will die young, broke and alone if I don't act fills me with a constant feeling of urgency and restlessness, however I cannot bring myself to do anything productive, somehow feeling apathetic at the same time and literally letting the whole day pass, doing nothing wasting the whole day. Later at night I beat myself up over it and cannot get myself to sleep. This has led to irregular sleep cycles and extremely long waking hours. I am worried that this tug of war combined with sleep deprivation could make me go insane.

I have a reasonable number of "friends", but they feel more like allies, or even assets than companions. Even though I have genuine conversations, I dont feel anything except the fact im not feeling anything feels wrong. I also have terrible secrets from my dark days that I need to hide from them. These secrets are so dark they would give a murderer nightmares, and my perpetually suspicious parents, always digging through my old stuff, are on to something. I need a huge success in my life to divert their attention. In fact, if one of my "friends" happens to be on this forum they will know who I am through this post and I'll be done for.

If I don't start doing something, my inactivity will disappoint and potentially hurt a lot of people. I've built up this false image of myself and if I don't live up to it really soon it will come back to haunt me. It's like a credit card: I'm having fun while I'm at it, but the debt is going to hit me like a truck.

TL;DR I bothered to type up this whole thing yet I am so counterproductive I can't do anything that will help me in the long run.