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Re: How can I establish boundaries between me and my parents? -
December 3rd 2015, 06:36 AM
Hey, Caitlyn!
I am sorry for all of this, it sounds extremely frustrating to feel like you can't voice your views or beliefs, or even write in a paper and pen journal.
Having opinions and beliefs is what everyone has, and there shouldn't be a rule where you aren't allowed to voice that just because "their house, their rules." You should be allowed individuality in how you view things and what you believe, just as your parents should. Especially at home within family. And when you write in a journal, it is meant to be personal. After all, you write it down in a journal you own and you wrote it to vent out private thoughts. No one has the right to read through your journal, and as it's done, it can break trust between two people.
You're not a young child anymore, but chances are, your mom may be aiming towards protecting you by reading your journal and going through your stuff. The thing is, parents don't lose the side of them that loves, cares, and sees you as their baby. Even when you are an adult and that can both be amazing and cause conflict. You're their baby forever, and it can sometimes be hard for them to establish boundaries when you are older when they're so used to parenting you as a child that they need to help and look after. Boundaries are important to preserve a healthy relationship between you and your parents, though.
Can you ask your mom about having a calm conversation? Ask her kindly not to yell, because you want to talk to her about something that has been bothering you and you don't mean to annoy or hurt her by talking about it. Try and help her see it from your point of view; ask her that if she wrote her feelings in a journal, would she want you reading through it without asking? Then explain that's why it hurts when you find her going through your stuff, because you'd really like to feel safe and be able to trust her enough to have your private things around.
Explain that you do chores and do things to help out, and you feel like you aren't treated with respect. Ask them if there's anything you can do to change this. Secondly, you are entitled to having your own products because things like make-up is personal. Would your mom understand if you were to ask if it's okay to keep products and clothing separate? You could approach the subject gently by explaining that it makes you uncomfortable and that you feel as nothing is your own. This would be a good time to let her know you would appreciate a bit more space since you are older.
Asking her why she feels the need to look through your journal could be helpful. Understanding why she does the things that she does can be helpful so that you can compromise at the same time she compromises. For example, perhaps she just wants to know more about how you are feeling? That doesn't justify her invading your privacy, but if you are comfortable enough then how about slowly opening up to her? Even if you just vent to her after a bad day at work. Simple frustrations. That could reassure her a lot because it'd be you letting her in on your feelings, thoughts and frustrations. Most importantly, willingly - showing her she does not have to read through your journals to connect with you.
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