[cherrypie36]

so i'm dating this girl who's by far amazing. she's so sweet, and just more more. but my depression has kicked into full drive. i keep thinking im doing everything wrong. for example. my girlfriend had surprised me at work. she texted me and said "come to the Christmas decoration, i need your help" and i thought she was texting her mom, then just said something about "come help" and i thought she was high haha because i didn't think she was at my work, and so i called her and she said she was at my work and i had little time to react, so i found her and gave her a head..and i was trying to figure out what to say and nothing would come out and i was trying to say thank you to her friend for driving her over here and no words were coming out. just froze up, and so i said i had to go back to work and i had two panic attacks after that and then i felt really embarrassed about everything, so i got home and texted her saying "i'm just depressed sorry" and she said "why are you depressed, (my name). " and then that made me feel 10x worse because i thought she was mad at me or annoyed.

she knows about my depression, and she usually handles it pretty well. she usually very supportive and everything. but when she texted me that, i felt i fucked up everything.

i have a lot of irrational fears, and with peoples certain reaction, i think the worst. and she hasnt texted me back. i had explained that my depression cant be helped. i'm trying so hard not to fuck up this relationship with my depression. she makes me so happy and has made me realize my life worth living. it's just my depression hits at the worst times, and im scared i'm going to run her off with it. she said she's going to stick around no matter what, but im so use to people leaving that im just expecting it...

this is the first relationship, i've been in since 2013... so it's been awhile since ive dated someone, and i really want to make this work but im scared with my depression, she's gonna get tired of it.

ive tried going to therapy, tried pills and nothing has worked.. i cant afford to go back to therapy...its just too expensive and i have little money to spend.

so how can i make this relationship work without running her off?