TeenHelp - View Single Post - Triggering (SH): Cutting and contamination

Edit avatar · 02:57 AM

I've been cutting more lately.

I have issues with cutting deep while dissociated but tonight I cut relatively deep without being dissociated. I probably would have tried to go deeper and made the wound longer but my boyfriend was home and I was worried about hiding the blood (even though I partially wish he would have noticed).

Shallow cuts have been holding me over but it's always a matter of time before I need to go deep. This would is deep enough that doctors would stitch it but I've had worse wounds and gone without. I wanted to go deep and long but I had to stop myself because of the mess it would make.

I have a method to ensure deep cuts and I didn't even have to use that method this time. I think its because the razors I am using are really good and sharp and I was putting the right amount of pressure.

I also didn't something else stupid which I have been contemplating for quite some time. I contaminated the wound. I put some stuff on it and it got inside but I got scared and only left it on for a minute or so and then I washed my leg in the shower and scrubbed out the bits of contamination left behind.

Ever since getting that infection I have an obsession with getting another infection but the idea of contamination scares me but I think that was partially due to what I was using.

I don't really know what I am looking for here. I have an appointment with a new therapist on Monday and I am praying that I like him so I don't have to do another search. I need to start working on these things. I just know he is an older gentlemen and I worry he won't have the ability to relate to certain things because of his age.

I want to cut again. I want to go in the bathroom and contaminate some more. I don't know. I am falling apart.

Edit: I forgot to label it