I think I have two weeks to drop the class without it being a withdrawal, but I'm unsure of when that date is counted from. The course is a distance learning course so it isn't the same as other college classes and it's a certificate program, not a degree plan, so that's different, too. My class schedule says it started on the fourth of January but we didn't even meet until this past Tuesday. I didn't make it because I'd just gotten out of the hospital and didn't want to push myself too hard. I emailed the professor and she said we could reschedule. She sent out an email with the information for the textbook and went over some stuff she talked about in the first class. She said the syllabus was posted in the email, too, but I didn't see it. I haven't written back because I don't know what to do about school. Even if I withdraw in my state I believe if you withdraw from all your classes at once it doesn't count, and since I'm only taking one course it would be withdrawing from all classes at once. Worst case scenario I have evidence saying it's a medical withdrawal and I won't be penalized for it. It just feels a little overwhelming. Going to the bookstore downtown to pick up a textbook seems stressful, but I need to do it now if I'm going to, or else I'll be really behind. I've asked some people what they think, and actually posted a separate thread on here. I just don't know, and I hate being so indecisive. It's driving me nuts.

I'm also tired of lying to people about how I am doing. No one knows how bad it really is. Everyone says I seem better but that's the scary part- I'm actually worse. I'm just hiding it better. I will be honest with my treatment team when I come back from my trip next week. The problem is I don't want them to stop me. I don't want to be put back in the hospital, failure or not. I don't exactly know what the hospital will do, anyway. Every time I go I start feeling fine after a few days and then it get irritating because it feels like I don't need to be there, then I go home and start fantasizing about suicide again. That's why I am so scared- I know all the skills. I know what to do. I do it, even, but I still feel like this. I feel so hopeless and I'm terrified. I'm terrified the only way out of this madness is death.

The hospital definitely had a lot of structure and I don't have as much of that at home. The past few days I've gotten up at noon and then gone to appointments or hung out with people, then spend time with my family in the evenings. It takes up time but it's not as structured. Every time I try to create structure, though, I resist it. The things I usually do to structure my life aren't happening right now- I'm too depressed and anxious to go to work, and school is up in the air. I'm not sure what I'll do with myself without those things. I suppose I could volunteer, but I wouldn't know where to start.

I guess I just feel so lost and trapped, like I'm in this purposeless void. I have goals but they seem so unattainable. I feel like I'm never going to graduate. I can't finish moving into my girlfriend's place because moving would be too stressful right now. I love volunteering here on TeenHelp, but right now even that is difficult. Those were the main three things keeping me going- school, my family (girlfriend and her other girlfriend), and volunteering here. All of those things are suffering right now and it's tearing me apart.