[FlowerPunkPrincess]

I couldn't put TWs for all of these things, but this post mentions suicide, self injury, substance abuse and disordered eating/body image, so I wouldn't recommend reading if one or more of those things are sensitive for you.

I'm a young trans woman and I really kind of hate my life. I never particularly enjoyed it in the first place but since I've started trying and failing to transition it has only gotten much worse. To explain the basics, I'm pre hormones and whatnot just because of the sheer impossibility of obtaining them. I'm out to all of my close friends and I'm known by my preferred name in most of the social circles I interact with, but I'm not fully out yet. My family have no clue and my legal name is still my deadname.

I probably shouldn't be complaining since I have it a lot better than most trans women. I'm in university and enjoy a reasonably high standard of living plus I reside in Ireland which is a developed country where transitioning in legal terms is incredibly easy in that it's completely self determined, I could apply to legally change my gender and my name now if I wanted and it'd be done within weeks. But I have one severe problem, and that is HRT. I don't know how you get on HRT, who you have to talk to, how much it costs, the inevitable medical loopholes that cishet doctors use to catch out trans people that you have to avoid, etc.

I badly need HRT just to feminise and have some chance of passing, because right now I look hideous. My shoulders are too broad, my arms are too muscular and my figure is awfully masculine. I'm incredibly ugly in general and I'll admit to starving myself in hopes of getting thinner, but the truth is I'm never going to be sufficiently feminine. I'll always look like a hideous man in a dress and there's no getting past that. I'm never going to be pretty even if my friends tell me I am and life isn't going to worth living if I look the way I do.

Since HRT is so hard to get, I considered self medicating, but it was too hard to get my hands on hormones independent of healthcare services. Most people don't recommend self medding on the basis that it can kill you, but I don't care. If it's either effective or it kills me that means that either way the problem of gender dysphoria is solved. I've attempted suicide multiple times since I realised I was trans and I feel like I'm not far away from the next one unless I get HRT soon.

I also hate feeling like I'm disappointing everyone around me. My (mostly cis) friends are undoubtedly going to end up getting sick of me and abandoning me, because there's only a certain amount of having a suicidal trans friend you can put up with. Life as it is isn't worth living and to cope with it my self harming and use of alcohol and smoking have gone through the roof. I've squandered all the money I'd saved up for transitioning on substances and it fucking sucks.

Then there's my family. My parents are super conservative - I came out as "gay" before, they were awful and my dad basically begged me to go straight - as well as severely emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive. If I was to seek HRT professionally, I would probably have to come out to them as trans and I would fear for my safety if I had to do that. In fact it would almost certainly lead to me being physically harmed. I'd lose my home, my place in university because they won't pay for it anymore, everything.

I really don't know what to do. My life is not worth living like this, I'm running out of ways to cope and money to spend on coping mechanisms, physically transitioning seems impossible and I'm ugly, unloveable and a terrible person and really fucking alone. I'm trying not to feel as if suicide is the only way out but other ways out are becoming increasingly scarce.