[Mrs.Butterfly]

First off, I want to let you all know that I would never ever harm my child; so please don't even begin to think that I would harm my son.

I had a wonderful birth, and no complications or anything like that. But this recovery has been a rough spell. Sure, I've had difficult time recovering physically, but I've also been having a really hard time mentally and emotionally.

I've been having mood swings, that just change out of the nowhere. Sometimes change throughout a single day. I've thought about harming myself, and I haven't had those thoughts in a really, really long time. I doubt I could go through with that. I've had thoughts where I feel like my son could do without me, would be better without me. I am not a good mother. I feel like a crappy mother, to put it nicely. just feel like crying at times, sometimes I have to head into another room and just cry. I've thought of hurting myself again. Thought that I'd loose it when he screams his head off. And sometimes I just want to say shut up, even though I know he can't help it. Especially in the morning when I think if the neighbors hear it that they'll call someone and that he will be taken away. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. Just a jumbled mess.

I feel like a freak.

I am scared to tell my OB doctor about how I feel. What if they try to take my son away? What if they see that I'm an unfit mother?

love my son to pieces, and would do anything for him. Yet, I'm still struggling. I am fighting feelings of harming myself, yet I wouldn't do it. Not with having a child with me. I struggle with feelings of depression, enough that I have to go into another room and just sob. I am happy in general, but when he cries and screams and doesn't calm down for a bit...that's when it really hits me. Like, I am not a good enough mother. That someone is going to take my child away and put me away in the psych ward.

I shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't feel this way. God gave me this child and I should not be struggling with this, like I am. I love my husband and I need to be strong for the three of us. But, this is a real struggle for me.