Hello foster . I get the feeling that if you need help, you're entitled to help and assistance without telling your mother or getting approval from her, because everyone deserves to be helped and listened to. You have clearly went through a lot, and I don't think you deserve to go through these negative thoughts alone.
+1 to you because everyone deserves assistance and support, and you deserve to be helped, loved and cared for. I also think that if she really cares about you, she should be happy that you're getting better instead.
If you need a friend or just someone to listen to you, I'll be around.